Affair

I'm not clear if your unhappiness is long standing Joyfulnana or just as a result of your husband's depression. Would you be feeling this way if he had a physical illness which prevented him having sex. I think you may find an affair may be exciting for a time but its not real and may cause hurt to others.
Talk to your husband about the problems, talk to others who live with depression. If after all things are not working then spend some time alone before embarking on another relationship..

Are you connected at all to the poster asking about Frequency?

Perhaps you could compare notes.

Honesty is the key.

You might enjoy talking to each other though

I was in your position 30 years ago. All I will say is that if you have an affair there will be consequences. Your actions could affect many lives. But you deserve to be happy and I think you will be tempted. Not great advice I know.

If you and your partner agree on having a open relationship - you have the green light to pursue it.
However, it would be better to pick someone that is not so close to the social circle.

If no open relationship- this is cheating.

Beware of the grass is greener syndhrome - short term satisfaction may lead to long term consequences

Put yourself on your partner's shoes and think how an affair would affect you.

Sex with Mr Fling may not turn out to be all you imagine. Then where will that leave you? Things can get complicated....

Is your husband depressed because he also no longer wants to be in the relationship?
Would you be doing him a favour if you left?

Marriage is for better or worse, but if you really feel there's no future then best to be honest and leave I think. But as for having an affair with someone who himself is in a relationship, that is in my opinion a huge fat NO. Have you considered the impact on his partner if she finds out what you're doing? I type as someone who discovered her husband had been having an affair for a number of years - it nearly destroyed me and blew our family apart. So please, please think very carefully before you take that step - and be honest with all parties.

Life is short. Provide you are hurting no one just carry on ?

I agree with you, Daisy131.
Happy for someone to say that to your partner, Dillonsgranma? Affairs can be exciting, but rarely “hurt no one” - either at the time, or in the future (IMO).
sodapop has given a sensible viewpoint.

If you decide to have sex with this man don't tell your husband. It's always seemed very selfish to me to make someone else unhappy so YOU can feel better for telling them.
If you decide to have the affair, it's up to you to hold it quietly, however guilty you may feel. I know this is not the accepted view where share-all is expected.

Is it wrong? you ask. Then you give a justification.
I think we have to clarify the ‘it’ do you mean lying to your husband? It might be kinder than the truth. Sometimes the truth is an indulgent luxury that hurts and bearing the burden of lying is the noblest thing.
If the affair turns out to be more than a desire .. then perhaps bigger steps might have to be taken. But don’t tear up your life script yet. It’s wrong in the sense it is very risky of great damage. But desire can make fools of us all. Good luck whatever you decide.

Think very carefully before you leap into something that may only be a temporary fling for your potential affair partner . I was in a similar position within my marriage , I was lonely and sad and my husband could be a nasty person . Someone paid me attention and I was flattered and pursued this person , turns out it caused me more hurt and heartache and I immediately regretted getting involved . I was so guilt ridden I couldn’t just forget it ever happened and continue with my life . It eventually finished my marriage although my husband never found out I couldn't live the lie but I realised that whatever my husband was I loved him . Now I’ve took the step and moved away and met someone new but I still carry the guilt and regret and if I’m honest I still love my husband . So please think very carefully but if you’re sure it’s what you want and it will make you happy then go for it because you only live one life ,

You can't have your cake and eat it . You have to choose one of the other . Or someone will end up getting hurt .

I was in a very similar position five years ago. My husband was seriously depressed and a relationship developed with a close friend who was in a similar situation. We were found out and all hell broke loose. I have children and grandchildren and it was awful. However, we built our new relationship and we are ridiculously happy. Time has helped with the fall out and relationships have mended. You have a right to be happy.

Sex is just sex, it is an itch you scratch, the problem in having an affair is the lying. If you can look your partner in the eye and tell him before hand that this is what you are considering doing, then go for it. If you have to sneak around and lie then it really is not worth it. Also consider the other persons wife, yes you are entitled to physical affection, but you are not entitled to take it by again lying to this mans wife.
If you are so desperate for physical affection find someone unattached and tell your husband

The question has been asked by you which suggests that you are not comfortable with your choices. To me, I am very clear that you you need to finish a sexual relationship before embarking on another in order to be equipt emotionally. If your hubby was having a conversation with you today about him in another sexual relationship how would you feel? Your own answers are all there and its difficult at the moment to maybe see them. Once you accept whichever choice you make and remember it is your own choice not anyone else's then things will slot into place. I do hope your future brings you happiness and contentment.

Hi Joyfulnana. It’s such a tricky one but no one, absolutely no one can really be of any help. Even you can’t possibly know what it might lead to or the reactions and responses of this man to the developing situation. I’m no prude but I think there’s a danger you could end up more unhappy with added guilt. I’m sure you’re a really joyful person......keep on spreading that joy and do lots of what makes YOU happy. Really love yourself, we don’t do that enough, and you may find that even harder to do that if guilt gets involved.

Having been on the receiving end of an affair (partly caused by a mismatch in sexual needs) I would say it’s definitely not right.

It isn’t so much the actual sex, but the lies and deceit that accompany it. Trust is something you can only lose once.

If you feel that your relationship is past repairing, then I think you should set about separating yourself from that first. It may be an old fashioned view, but I don’t think an affair will make you any happier with your home situation in the longer term.

A fling does not bring affection with it. It is just physical gratification...no more. Also he might not be bothered by your needs only his own. Is he having other flings...very possible. If he is does he use condoms? Sexually transmitted diseases are rife in the over 50s. It sounds to me that you just need love and affection. Your husband also needs help with his depression.

I think it’s wrong to be dishonest, forgivable, but dishonest. It’s not for others to judge you. But how it makes you feel about yourself and towards the partner of the other man ? The fact that you’ve asked this question means you are finding it difficult to live with yourself.....and that’s not joyful! Xx

Having an affair is simply dealing with a side effect of being in this relationship - there are all sorts of risks (which I'm sure you're aware of) and you may end up with more problems than you have now. Am wondering how long he has been depressed and if he's had any help? Depression kills the libido and makes one very self-absorbed (I know, I've been there). It's a totally consuming shut down that drains all hope and joy out of a life. Did anything in particular trigger it? A really good book he may be open to reading is "Reasons to Stay Alive" by Matt Haig (who deals with depression on an ongoing basis and has some excellent advice). Plus there are 2 books that are easy for someone to read when they're depressed (lots of pictures) "I had a black dog" by Matthew Johnstone, and the accompanying book (for partners) "Living with a black dog" - which contains excellent supportive advice for how to live with someone with depression (which you may find helpful). There's also a very good article at www.bbc.co.uk/bbcthree/article/877df2d0-de74-42fa-8f09-d5331c7e5ca8 on How to cope when your partner has depression. There ARE things that help depression so I would urge you to explore all of those first. Good luck.

Your husband is ill with depression which means he not only can't handle the physical side of your relationship, but probably isn't giving you the "emotional" love we all need. No cuddles, or cups of tea, or gentle words etc.

Are you not able to get those from your friend? Would that maybe be enough for you?

Well if it was me I wouldn’t do it as I love my husband very much he is not depressed but I feel that if he was I would try everything in my power to help him and put my needs second, would you be ok if the boot was on the other foot, and do you actually love him. If not then why stay