Affair

Go for it! See where it takes you, lifes too short for regrets.

Sorry you are in this situation, Joyfulnanna, but IMO, first things first. DH has said he will go to counseling w/ you. so please arrange that and see what happens. Perhaps through marriage counseling, he will come to see that he needs individual counseling and perhaps, medication.

As for the possible affair... you say you're not looking for love, but you also say you have "more to give than sex." IMO, those two statements contradict each other, so I think you are somewhat confused as to what you really want. You may find yourself trying to get "more than sex" from this man, after a while, and then you are likely to get hurt. Not to mention the hurt this could cause DH and the other man's wife.

Also, can you accept that this other man may eventually want to move on to a new affair, as he has, apparently, done before? Will feeling desired again lead to feeling rejected and lonelier than ever?

If you think you really can accept that this would just be for sex and accept it if the other man eventually wants to move on, then maybe this would help you to get through things. As others have said, only you can make this call. But please do get started in counseling before you make any other decisions.

Yes, Go For It! Just be ultra careful and discreet and take some joy. Just don’t rock the boat, it’s not worth the upset or upheaval. Discretion is the key word. We only have one life, just take it upon yourself to make sure nobody gets hurt. It can be done! I know this!

I am very out of date and still believe that marriage vows are important though I realise it is in the lap of the gods whether your partner feels the same way.

This man is likely to be carrying sexually acquired diseases that you really don’t want to pick up. He may not have obvious symptoms. Older women often don’t use protection thinking it doesn’t apply but condoms will help prevent contracting some venereal diseases. A lot of women I come across on vulva cancer sites were caught out being flattered at a low point in their lives and bitterly regret it.

Joyfulnanna

What if your ds or dd got cheated on because the spouse is depressed? Would you tell tour adult child it is ok because the spouse has "needs your child could not fulfill" and life continues as usual?

I know how it feels to be cheated on for "insert reason that only makes sense to the cheater"

You have never been cheated on so you don't know how betrayed you feel, blindisded, the anger, self doubt if you did something to provoke it and if it could have been avoided, the lack of trust in the person you thought always had your back and if you can ever trust them again, what else they have lied to you about, you realize you truly do not know the persom you are with, your whole world collapses temporarily, how your life was a lie, etc.

You are right, I have never been there because I wouldn't want cause so much pain to anybody, least to a person you have loved or love.

The world does not go around your wants.

You don't want sex with a person you know vs a random person, you want to be with a very specific person in mind - a MARRIED man.
It is a big difference and adds another layer of complexity to your actions. You have picked the partner, it is not about just wanting to have sex outside your marriage, you want to be with that person.

It is not your fault your dh does not want to take medication.
It is not your fault you like different things and you crave a more active and entertaining life.
If your marriage is not working, get a separate, go to marital therapy. If it doesn't work, at least you tried everything you could calling it quits.
At least your dh won't have a worse case of depression due to your actions.

People should be able to determine for themselves the choices they make and the consequences. An affair always involves a breach of trust and is an act of betrayal. It involves lies and secrecy.

You may not be faithful in pursuing this need, but finding comfort and warmth with another person may allow you to continue to take care of your DH. It could be viewed that you want to leave the person you have become.

Think about the person you are; what expectations you have at this stage in your life and can they be realistic.

I’m a widow of nine years, two years ago I met a man who I grew up with, he was in very unhappy marriage but as his wife didn’t keep well he felt he couldn’t leave her. We had an affair which was very serious for both of us for about fifteen months, we eventually split because it wasn’t going to go anywhere. Within a month he had met someone else, left his wife and moved away to live with her. Lesson learned, won’t fall for that again, sticking to socialising with friends and family

If you have no conscience and didn't mean the vows, ' in sickness and in health' when you married, then do what you like.
Personally, I think that not only are you ignoring your vows but you're ignoring the fact that the other party has a wife, that neither she nor your husband are aware of your deceit and you'll be found out in the end.
It's doubly deplorable as he is known to your husband.
I have no time for cheats or people who seek approbation from others in order to feel ok about an illicit affair.
If you were going through menopause and having a tough time, how would you feel if you later found out that your husband had been having sex with a person known to you both?
You can make up any old excuse you like but it's cheating, pure and simple.
Tell your husband and see what he thinks.

If you have a loveless marriage then go to counselling and if it doesn’t improve then leave. Life is too short to be so alone and without love.
However if it’s “just” sexless then it can be remedied as you can see. However this route is unlikely to bring love and affection but can pleasantly satisfy the physical needs. Plus of course it’s the boost in ego of feeling attractive and the frisson of being illicit.
So it’s a case of working out exactly what you are after.
But I really don’t think it should be with this man. He is “well known” for affairs so is indiscrete, he is in your social circle which would ultimately cause problems, you would feel guilty about his wife, and he would use you then drop you when the next woman caught his eye. Far too high a risk to you.
So I’d strongly urge you to consider what you want. There’s plenty of sites out there of strangers looking to randomly hook up for sex either as a one off or a regular basis. If it’s no strings fun and sexual gratification then consider and explore those. But that’s not for love and companionship. It rarely works out like that. But it’s fine as a sticking plaster if you love your husband and can be extremely careful. If you want the full loving relationship package then, if you can’t find a way forward with your husband, then it’s kinder for both of you to separate.

Can't thank you enough for helping me make my decision. Life is too short to destroy what I have right now. I've weighed it up and realised it was madness to think it could be straightforward. I'd lose a good friend, hurt a woman I respect, cheapen myself and break the trust of my DH who is my best friend. There are too few 'pros' and too many 'cons' to go ahead with an affair. I do hate myself for thinking that sort of gratification would help me.

It's for you to decide what you're conscience can live with. However, your husband has agreed to attend couples' counselling so give it a go, surely you owe him that. Secondly, if you do have a fling find someone else but only after you and hubby have reached conclusion your relationship isn't going anywhere, don't let it be with Mr Fling who is obviously a player and would simply add your name to his list of conquests, separate from husband and find someone new. As his wife you do have a responsibility towards your husband, and he towards you, if you feel things are over then end them, don't go behind his back and have an affair, it's dishonest. What does your conscience tell you? The fact you've asked tells me your conscience says no, therefore you'll regret it if you go against your conscience and have to live with that guilt afterwards. Only you can decide.

Joyfulnanna - I was so pleased (and relieved!) to read your latest post. Yes, I’m sure it’s a really tough time for you just now, but you will get through it, and it will hopefully help you and your husband to build a stronger and more compassionate, companionate marriage for the next phase of your lives together. Go Well.

Romy and Sara thank you. I'm listening to my conscience and I will find a way to build more compassion in my relationship, little by little, every day. I'm glad I didn't stay silent. Love you lot for taking the time to help me.

I am a married woman of 53 yrs, married at 16 yrs old because I was pregnant and that’s what you did then. If you are in a loveless sexless marriage I can’t see any reason for the two of you to stay together. If you want to have sex with another man then clear it with your husband otherwise you’re just lying to yourself and us and cheating on him. And yes that’s WRONG ?

It’s your life. I was in a loveless sexless marriage and left. I never regretted the clean cut even though I suffered financially. Then I found the love of my life. What strikes me is that by having an affair you could end up in a much worse position. Having hollowed out your own marriage with deceit and lies, getting attached to someone who sooner or later flits on to the next woman, you could end up feeling more alone ?

Passion/sex /a fling....do people really weigh it up and come on GN to garner opinions?

Mmmm not sure.

Perhaps you are looking for permission?
You might think in terms of taking ownership of your decision. It will be your decision whichever way you choose to go.

Joyfulnanna
You and I have messaged before..... I think we live with similar family circumstances..
My marriage has been lonely, my husband emotionally illerate , he's a workaholic and can be unintentionally cruel, because of our family situation , which I get but no excuse....
My marriage is intimate, I had a long chat to my hubby, hopefully things will improve , any relationship takes commitment and effort on both sides. Really infidelity isn't the answer , my first husband had an affair with my sister, deceit , trust , untruths will always haunt them, that's what I hope , ( I couldn't have a relationship with my sister after this betrayal ) relationships based on deceit and untrustworthy never work, well I believe this, or at least you have to validate these relationships. So you either be honest and true to yourself tell your partner , explain how you feel and separate , ( believe me not for the faint hearted ) or stay in your present relationship maybe get outside support, talking therapies or check medication ??? But ultimately we all need to feel loved and wanted, but only you can make that difficult decision.... ?

Yes I did grapefruit pip and yes I have come to a decision. It was a stupid thing to think I would have an affair to create false, short-lived comfort in my life and potentially lose so much of what I hold dear. This is a wake-up call for me. It doesn't get anymore selfish than that. Reading stories of posters and advice has given me a bit more clarity. There are people much worse off in horrific relationships. I am prepared to work on mine and get counselling.

poor you Joyfullnanna. Is there any way you could discuss this with one of your children (I don't know how old they are). Perhaps if you had someone on your side who could tell your husband how desperate you are feeling and that for you it could mean the end of the marriage if he won't seek help for his depression. Although I have never been unfaithful myself, my children's Father was; In fact he had a season ticket!! and it devastates so many lives. If you need to leave him. sort everything out first then do it. I wish you all the best and remember; As in all things. This to will pass and you will find yourself in a better place.

Thank you gagsville that's very kind I really appreciate it particularly as you've been on the receiving end. I never have and don't need the drama. Don't we all just need to love and be loved. I don't like to fail

Joyfulnanna
I think that’s such a good decision and you are sparing yourself future regrets and unhappiness. I really hope things improve for you.

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Good Luck to you OP. Brave move.