Affair

If he is a friend of you both! The friend isn’t a real friend. Tell your partner how you feel, depression is dreadful.

Would you accept the situation if in reverse and it was your husband who was thinking of having sex outside of your marriage? Is he having treatment for his depression? I personally don't think having an affair will help you. You need to sort out where you see your life going, if you don't want to leave your husband then perhaps seeing a counsellor together might help things. If you would be thinking of leaving him if he was well then perhaps you need to start making preparations to do that, look into where you would live, how you would be placed financially etc and then make your choice. Dragging a third person (however willing they may be) into the mix is just a complication, not a remedy

I agree with DotMH1901, who has expressed well, exactly what I am thinking.

I think you may regret having sex with him. Be free when you choose to do it rather than share him with his wife. Your conscience will play on your mind after the event. Once you go over the boundaries that incures feelings of wanting more and more and this just won’t happen. Unless you can switch off from the above comments of course. I’m in a similar position as you and am keeping the brakes on, for now.

No.

Life is too short to make other people unhappy as well jackyf

Is your husband finding joy and sex elsewhere?

Joyfulnanna
In an estragment post, you wrote: adult children are only thinking about themselves and are selfish.
This is what you are doing now. Being selfish and thinking only about yourself

No joy, no sex......what else? You didn't say NO LOVE! Could it be because love is still in the equation? Have you considered that your H may have similar feelings too?

Consider also that Depression is an illness and what your H may need is a lot of help Having said that, he hasn't deliberately wronged you. If you no longer love him, he deserves your respect and your honesty at the very least. Please consider the above, before you do something you could later regret.

....and before you '^throw caution to the wind^', have an honest talk with your H about the way things are and how you wish they could be. A good marriage counselor can also help.

I lived with my depressed husband for many years. The effect on me was devastating. I know it is ghastly to suffer from depression but the non depressed partner can also be reduced to abject misery. I did begin an affair which brought me great joy. Looking back thirty years later I found myself thinking that given my time again I would not have done it. But I had forgotten the despair I felt then. On balance I would say go for it. At least you will feel alive!

I don't think it's wrong if your marriage truly is sexless and will continue to be so. I think where that changes is if you have sex with your husband again after having sex with someone else. Then you owe it to both partners to be honest so that they can choose whether to continue having sex with you or not. People have the right to know who they are having sex with in case they don't want to sleep with someone who has multiple partners or they may want to take extra precautions against infection.

Joyful nana you won’t go under with him.Just try and help him if. If you can contemplate having an affair with another person then you don’t love your husband or you don’t even respect him . If this other person is in the same position as you that means he is married and he will use that you. If you don’t love your husband by all means leave him but think hard about the consequences many many people live in marriages that are sexless but not loveless and Nowhere in the promises does it state for as long as sex is available
.

I think your looking for excitement and affection and could be in a confused state. However you need to think of the consequences before making a move how will it end?

If you need to lie to anyone to have the affair then it's wrong. Sex with whoever you want is fine as long as it's also fine with the other people this new relationship will affect (and believe me, they will be affected whether they know initially or not).
Rule of thumb, it's never a good sign if you feel more comfortable discussing your potential sex life with strangers rather than with the person you promised to be faithful to and honest with in good times and bad.
Also, have you asked a Dr what affect being lied to, deceived and cuckolded will have on your already ill partner?

Putting the cat amongst the pidgeons why not a Grampsnet? Is hearing from the other side of the fence such a bad idea.? ie Depressed? is he being kind ?how about bored.?Same old routine day in day out. Do we ever think that our 'depressed' or so he says partner might just need /want 'that something' in his life that we are looking for.?

In that situation I'd end the marriage before moving on and I would expect anyone who was a potential partner to be single.

Does your potential lover feel the same or is in a similar position? Because, y'know, life is short and death is long and if no-one's going to find out or be hurt then I'd do whatever you feel you need to do for you right now. Good luck from one who has been in similar position and never, for one day, regretted the action I took.

Go for it! And enjoy it.

Harris yes excitement and affection in a dull loveless relationship with someone who'll give me their full attention and won't blame me for wanting more than TV and DIY. Maybe in a perfect world, I should leave first then seek the arms of another but needing to be desired is only one part of me. I'm not devious just without love.

Joyfulnanna

You have already decided on carrying on with the affair, even before posting.

May I ask why you opened the thread?

OK - up front - I am heavily biased about this as the child of a man who was a serial adulterer. I have nothing but contempt for people who betray their partners, whatever the excuse, with even more contempt for women who knowingly start affairs with married/partnered men.
If the marriage is going wrong, fix it or end it, and then find another partner. Although in your case I do feel sorry for your husband. He obviously loves you - otherwise why has he agreed to attend counselling? There aren't many men out there brave enough to do so.
If sex is very important to you, then as someone has suggested - there are ways and means without resorting to infidelity. And if you are so bored with TV and DIY then why not find other interests outside the home? Many people find it life-enhancing, if not life-changing, to join a new club, choir, voluntary organisation.

Finally, if the above seems harsh, may I soften it by saying that perhaps you yourself are suffering from anxiety or depression - it just may not be revealing itself in the same way as your husband's mental state, and perhaps you should see your GP. I know very well what it's like to live with someone with mental health issues; it can drag you down, often without your realising it. And in most cases there is light at the end of the tunnel - hopefully if your husband is on medication he will feel better eventually and so will you.

Hithere I haven't decided on starting the affair. I wanted to find out the views of my fellow gns on what to do in a loveless relationship. Until you've been there, you can never know how it feels. Thanks to everyone for all the interesting and valid points. Sorry if I sounded selfish when I was giving more detail.

Acanthus I'm not a serial adulterer and I'm not depressed, I still love life and am grateful for all I have. My DH is not on medication either so won't get better that way. I've got to hold out the hope that he will come to counselling to work through things. I suppose I can put the sex part away for now.

I expect someone has already asked this but I will ask anyway
:Why are you staying in a loveless marriage ?
I know there can be many reasons for staying , but if it has got to this point ....

Or relationship if not married