Daughters cold house at Christmas

barmyoldbat I wonder if something like a heated throw would help. I know they are not cheap but maybe you could try one now then buy another if it works well. Also wonder if it might make a good Christmas present for you daughter as she might feel better about heating just herself rather than a whole house.

www.lakeland.co.uk/61802/Velvety-Electric-Heated-Throw-Grey-and-Red-Check-%E2%80%93-135-x-180cm
Hooe this link works they do have cheaper ones.

I think you have given a whole different take on her story now barmyoldbat it’s not just a stubborn girl wanting her own way is it If she is sitting shivering in damp clothes she is not able to look after herself and is not allowing others to do it for her for what reason we don’t know.. pride, loss of spirit, depression !
Has she had any help to come to terms with the loss of her husband?
have her carers signposted any concerns on their daily visits surely someone’s mentioned the damp clothes and lack of heat?
You personally cannot move a person but authorities can if she s not able to look after herself
Of course you can’t stay in a hotel they will all be booked solid and way too expensive but can you play the poor me card and ‘plead’ with her to put the heating on for you as you’re not very well or your bones hurt or something
If none of that is useful go with your thermals on make the best of Christmas but long term I do feel you have to fight to get some more appropriate care for her.... residential maybe ??

Good post Bluebelle and I agree with every word.
You must think of yourself and DH barmeyoldbat it’s bad to be very cold in Winter, and your DD really needs help.
Does she fear fire, or noise from the heating?Although she can afford it,she may feel that she can’t.
A sad situation for you which I hope can be resolved.

It is only one or two days out of the year you are talking about Barmeyoldbat it seems your daughter copes most of the time. I would explain the problem to her and if she won't come to you then say you will visit when the weather is warmer.
People often live in a different way that we perhaps find difficult but they are entitled to do so. I understand your concern as your daughter is more vulnerable than most.

Are her learning difficulties bad enough that she can't understand how the cold affects you?

If she does understand and still dimisses your need for warmth out of hand, then I would say let her get on with it. She is being selfish.

Only you know if this lack of care for others is down to her learning difficulties or not.

Of course, if it is beyond her understanding, then take cosy fur wraps with you. And chuck one on her as well, whether she wants one or not. To sit and shiver is ridiculous in a well person leave alone a disabled person.

At least the cooking of the Christmas dinner will warm the kitchen for a while.

Reading all of these it strikes me how easily people who are isolated can become used to living conditions which we think unacceptable.
I have a very good friend (in full possession of her faculties) but who I suspect keep her clothes in her spare room as when I give her a lift there is a strong smell of mothballs and going into her bungalow there is a cold damp smell in all but the kitchen. I can’t comment - who knows, my house may smell of dog!
My parents’ house when I used to visit before their deaths 20 years ago, was baking hot in their living room (gas fire) but freezing everywhere else despite their inefficient (and expensive) night storage heaters. They were used to it I suppose.
Only you will know whether you can do anything about it, Barmey no matter how much you care.

I wonder if she worries because she doesn’t understand how the central heating works and fears never being able to turn it off, or alter the temperature?

Why not wear thermal leggings and two vests? Thick socks. And fingerless mits. And a woolly hat indoors, And a huge scarf and padded jacket?The old saying 'There is no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothes.' You could drape the warm clothing in tinsel and top it all off with paper hats.

If you take hot water bottles you could fill them at your daughter's house. There are things outdoor people have that retain heat.
Cold houses with no CH were commonplace until recently.

I reckon if she has capacity and has expressed her wish to be alone at Christmas, you could maybe agree to this. Visit another time?

Barmeyoldbat - Have you thought about oil-filled radiators such as these:
www.screwfix.com/c/heating-plumbing/oil-filled-radiators/cat7230008#category=cat7230008&sort_by=price
They are widely available, inexpensive to buy, portable, simple to use (obviously dependant on model) and will not scare the cat.
You don’t have to put them on full - you can just take the “edge” off a room. They can make a room feel so much better, and help with the damp.

It might be worth at least having one “For Christmas Day” to take with you. You can explain that you really want to see her and hope she doesn’t mind as it’s for you.
IF she likes it, you could maybe ask her if she’d mind storing it for you for your next visit? Just a thought...

My mother-in-law has moved house (last year) and “didn’t like” her perfectly functional and well-maintained not very old boiler so she chose not to use it. Thank goodness she had one she does like fitted! It did, however, seem totally bonkers to me.

I think I might, just might have sorted Christmas Day lunch. There is, so I am told, a community lunch laid on by the church on Christmas Day. Transport provide, a good lunch, music and games. Will see if she would like to go either on her own or with us.

I just want to say that today we had a break through. The carers rang me to say that two radiators are on and its a bit warmer and she is looking a bit better. Maybe my pure rant at her yesterday saying fine, but your tenancy agreement says you must keep the bungalow in good order and it getting damp and might even having a burst pipe is not. So heres hoping.

Also she will not have an oil filled radiator and yes she has been afraid of fire and we have replaced all the carpets with hard flooring and she now doesn't worry so much about fire. She use to put water on the carpet near where she was sitting in case of fire. All offers of help are rejected. Thanks everyone for their advice.

Well Done.

Oh Barmey, what a terrible worry this must be for you. Putting up with the cold when you stay is one thing, but knowing that your DD is putting her health at risk is quite another, and it may come to a time when the carers will not wish/be able to visit, there are regulations regarding their working conditions and they cannot be expected to work in a freezing cold, damp house, and then neglect their professional responsibilities by leaving your daughter in that situation. Those of you talking about childhood with no heating in a house are not really helping; yes, I grew up in a house with no central heating, in Scotland, but my Mother lit the fire every morning and we got dressed in the warm, by the fire, so as children we were protected from the bone numbing cold. I do hope that you get this sorted out, would it help to say that the cat looks poorly and needs a bit of heat?

The cat goes out a great deal we say its because its warmer outside

It could also be that the cat goes outside and goes into someone else's warmer house Barmey, maybe the worry about that happening would convince your DD to turn the heating on a little? Doesn't need to be tropical, just comfortable, and safe

gill if you are referring to me saying I have no central heating that was only an aside in no way was it detrimental in my empathy for Barmys predicament and only a small part of my post

I m glad you ve had a breakthrough and perhaps the way to go and the community lunch sounds lovely
Hope it all pans out x

No, I wasn't specifically referring to you Bluebelle and I apologise if you think I was criticising you, that was not my intention.

After having read all the posts, I was wondering if a visual reminder of how cold the bungalow is, would prompt your daughter to turn the heating on.
Does she have any of those coloured thermometers in the house? My Dad used to have one on his mantlepiece. I've looked online, but can't see the thing I'm thinking of.

I think Age UK may have those thermometer card things.

Well done, Barmey. The community hall sounds like an excellent idea for Christmas Day. And putting the emphasis on her responsibility for looking after her home has taken the focus away from herself. Hopefully it's worked.

Yes Minion we had one of those tempeture things and talked her through it. She just rolled her eyes.

Seriously, I think your way through this lies with the cat. If there's any way that someone she trusts (or someone she doesn't know but with veterinary authority) told her that the cat is suffering from the cold, would she budge?

I think you ve hit the nail on the head barmy make it out that a) shes looking after the house and b) cats mustn’t get too cold and nothing about her welfare that just might work
gill that's ok sometimes I say things that don’t read as they sounded in my head ?

The original post didn't explain fully how your daughter is not coping. She sounds depressed and low. It must be so hard for you and your husband seeing her like this. I do hope she gets the help she needs but is refusing.

Could this be a powerplay between your dd and you?