Daughters cold house at Christmas

Yes I think its power play not just with me but with everyone. She has been like this for as long as I can remember.

So pleased there is a solution for Christmas Day barmey, it does sound as if there has been a breakthrough of sorts, I hope it continues so you can worry less.

Barmey,
If you know it is a power play, why do you keep engaging if you know it will not reach your desired outcome?
This issue is not about Christmas.

Because its not always necessary for one person to get their outcome.
Compromise means both people 'win'.
Lots of people with learning disabilities are like this; you just have to negotiate something everyone is ok with.

I am not saying its a power play between me and her. I just let her get on with, ask her do you want to xxxx, no well ok. I don't often argue, I just change the subject and leave it. The power struggles comes from her wanting her own way in everything with everyone and her opinion is always right, she has rights. Well so do we who visit, often at her request. I treat her with respect and give her support when needed and asked. I expect in turn on my visits to be made welcome. Sometimes I have gone to visit to go out shopping and have lunch and she has been so awful to me that I have just turned around and left. Many times I have said thats it. But at the end of the day she is my daughter and I love her.

She does have a brother who helps with the support but she is the same with him, He has spoken to her about the way she speaks and treats us but nothing has changed. Anyway hopefully Christmas is sorted.

People keep their homes way too hot. Think back to when you were young. You probably had just a coal fire. We never got ill or had bad colds. I have not had central heating for 18 years. I lived in a little rented cowshed for 16 with just a wood burner then bought a narrow boat to live on two years ago. I have a multifuel burner. If I am a bit cold I put on a cardie and wooly socks before I light the burner. I never have colds...can't remember the last time I did.

If the cold is not affecting her health do not worry. Just buy yaself some thermal underwear if you really can't stand what you think is cold for one day. Oh and what is different about being alone on Christmas day to any other day? Maybe I should start a thread about that one.. hahaha

Maybe you could just go for Christmas day only. Are you cooking the lunch, if so does she have a big enough kitchen dining area were the heat from the oven would help to keep you warm for part of the time. Also thermal clothing and underwear for yourselves can be very beneficial. Not sure what else you can do though the worry of hyperthermia for your daughter must cross your mind. Other posters have made some good suggestions so hope you can find a way to have comfortable and happy Christmas.

Well she has electricity. Get a couple of small fan heaters and a heated fleece throw, take them down with you and plug them in when necessary. Take them back again for next time you visit (in case she throws them out when you're gone) Put some money in her account towards the extra electric if you feel so inclined. Fan heaters are amazingly effective if you point them directly towards you.

I've no idea what dome if you mean when you say that boilers and radiators make a racket.
Mine are virtually silent and it's a listed period property with single glazed windows.
The radiators are like sandwiches.
Your daughter seems comfortable so there is no use trying to change her mind.
As others have suggested, either have dinner at a nearby hotel or restaurant (book now to be sure of a place) or do your own thing.
Some people don't feel the cold and I'm another who hates stuffy rooms. No heating on here and I'm in leggings and a thin cami top and bare feet with windows open...not the small ones either.
I'm sure her carers will alert you if there are real concerns.

dome some

Maybe she likes it colder, I hate being hot and would much rather be in a cold house. I don't think you should be altering her heating, how would you feel if she sneaked in and turned off your boilers and radiators?
If you find it cold you can always take extra layers

Is there any way that you can turn it round so she could see how the cold affects you and your husband?
It sounds as if being told that she is cold and if she doesn't have the heating on , it will affect her by XYZ, that she is grabbing the only bit of control that she can.
By saying that she doesn't care if she's left on her own for Christmas means she is actually feeling the opposite, it's a bit like a stroppy teenager stamping their feet and saying "I don't care so there!!" and stomping out of the room.
I am surprised that the cat even stays with her! They notoriously love warmth and will always pick the warmest spot in the house.
I wonder if it would be possible to speak to a heating engineer to see if it is possible to have the heating controls set so that she cannot fiddle with them ? There is a system called Hive that can be controlled remotely, from a smart phone, or maybe it would be possible to have the thermostat moved into a cupboard that can be locked or put out of her reach. The fact that she was sitting there shivering when it hasn't reached the coldest time of the year yet is worrying and suggest you involve her care team before anything more is done.

Wear lots of cashmere (and get wrist warmers from Turtle Doves - they make a huge difference), thermal underwear, take an electric blanket, have lots of hot drinks and try to enjoy yourself. You visit her at other times so why not Christmas? It's only a couple of days out of your life.

Lets get this straight, I do not expect the house to be boiling hot and accept that she does not like it hot.,we only have the heating on for an hour or so in the morning and light the fire at night. I have tried suggesting, as others have maybe heating two hour in the morning then on again a bit in the evening and set it for 18.

I have now to the point where I will not visit during late Nov, Dec and Feb unless I have heat. I have told the Social Worker the problem and she does know it anyway and asked the carers to inform the Social Worker with any concerns. I am now 72 as is Mr B and I have my own medical problems so I have no intentions in going along with her unreasonable behaviour.

Can't do anything with the boiler as its a Housing Association Bungalow and they won't do it, I have asked.

If she is concerned about her tenancy then that is a good thing. She obviously wants to keep her independence so it seems to be that this is the way to go.
The housing association family support may well be your best support as they may be able to "insist" in a way that families can not.
It's a very very thin line between safeguarding and interfering in some cases I know.
Thinking of you. And what a great solution for Christmas Day itself.

Sorry about the oil heater suggestion - they just seemed the most benign form of heating I can think of!

Regarding the post about there being no noise from a boiler or radiator mine is a quiet boiler but I can still hear it (if I'm sitting quietly reading or working) from all the downstairs rooms, but the thing that annoys me more is the new gas meter outside which I can hear both inside and out! It's annoying ticking is apparently "normal" - but not to me. Some of us are very conscious of noise around us. My fridge is humming at the moment and I had to go into the kitchen to see what it was. It sounded like a tumble dryer from the sitting room!

Someone in my ME group has just told us about warm, light, fluffy throws that plug into the electricity that Aldi are selling after 24 Oct for about £35 pounds. Might help you to sit with her on Christmas Day or perhaps make a present she might use. I had a sick daughter. Not sick in this way but still very difficult. We really cannot take pain away from them because we love them and feeling miserable ourselves won’t help them or us. There is only so much we can do. Try to be kind to yourself too. But I know it is not easy. My blessings.

I would stay at home. You have made it clear to your daughter that you will be ill if you cannot have some heating on when you visit her in December, but it doesn't suit her to show you so much consideration that she puts herself out to heat at least one room properly for you when you come to visit.

That says it all, doesn't it?

She is an adult, and apparently both her carers and her GP deem her competent to look after herself.

She has made it fairly clear that she isn't bothered if you don't come, she would rather do without your company than accede to your reasonable request for a little heat during your visit.

Forget all the talk about central heating not being necessary for some of us, I am at one with you here, proper heat is necessary, if we are to be able to move, sit, lie, walk or even think properly.

Invite someone to your place for Christmas who enjoys being in a well-heated home. Phone your daughter by all means on Christmas Day to wish her a Happy Christmas, but please do not feel you need to feel guilty about putting your husband and your own health first.

NotSpag, what a good idea I will give it a try. Thanks for that. As for note from the boiler, no it doesn't make noise at all.

I have a friend who when visiting her daughter and partner faces the same problem. However, both girls are well off and can afford heating but choose not to have it on.
My poor friend does not want to lose touch with her daughter so she sits and shivers in silence. She takes warm socks, a hot water bottle and stays in bed in the mornings reading..

I have nothing but sympathy for you as you are obviously doing the very best for your daughter. Would she object if you took a small fan heater with you and just positioned it so that the warm air blows on your feet? If only in small bursts.

If this is not possible, and the thought of her spending Christmas alone upsets you (as it would me), wrap up warmly and limit the time spent in her home.
A 54 mile trip can be very pleasant and the roads will be quiet so you can enjoy a warm car and some lovely Christmas carols on the radio.

Good luck

My 2 youngest children (21&16) have mild cerebral palsy,plus some asd issues,youngest has asthma also,and they both like it colder- they both still live with me,so in winter when im ramping up the heating they still have their radiators in their bedrooms turned off and the window open.i sometimes ask if they can at least put them on the 'frost' setting,(lowest) as it sometimes interferes with boiler system if ive got all other radiators on but thats as most as they relent. They don't have much in way of bedding either,and older one prefers to sleep on top of the duvet rather than under it,and youngest prefers to sleep in just boxer shorts and has a spring weight duvet even in winter,hes often got a fan on in his room too! I cant understand any of this as i like to be warm,but its how they feel comfy- would your daughter allow you to compromise by having boiler turned on so you could turn on just the radiator in your own room if you stay at hers maybe,as a compromise?or as other posts have suggested,stay overnight somewhere and go to your daughters for christmas lunch? If you book ahead theres usually rooms to be had quite cheaply at such as premier inn,travelodge,holiday inn etc(ive done this sometimes at christmas when ive gone to one of my older kids homes for lunch,they live 70 miles away)as my sons can be cooler so not inconvenience to others, ,including staying a couple of extra nights when one of my GC arrived boxing day!

Barmeyoldbat
On reading your comments hypothermia comes to mind.
You need to inform social services and although not personally knowing your daughter I do not believe from what you have experienced D is aware how living as she is doing is in her best interest.

My Mils neighbour was like this. Never had any heating on. He got stuck in the bath and died there from hypothermia. Was a very rich man but house was very damp and cold mouldy carpets etc.

I agree with others an hotel (if you can book) would be a great solution and suggest a meal in the hotel too which you can take her to and from. I understand that travelling on Christmas Day is no fun so why not make a few days of it as even 50 miles is a goodly distance for some people.

Firstly I think you need to get rid of those guilty feelings. If she's happy on her own then I think you should accept that.
If you're staying over then maybe you could take a plug in heater to put in one room so you had a bolt hole to go to when you got really cold.
I get that it's a distance, (our daughter lives about the same distance away from us) but would you feel better if you just called to see her for an hour or two and then came home?
Obviously layering up will help, as others have said, and I like the idea of a hot water bottle or two.
i hope you find a solution, it must be a concern for you.

If she is shivering too then i cant fathom that one really?my own 'boys' don't appear to feel the cold as much and say they're quite hot with the heating on,so if your daughter is shivering too then she surely must be feeling the cold,so i guess it could be a power struggle from her point of view? Is her behaviours and the way she is with you all part of her medical problems/learning difficulties? Can she get any help with that? Could it be a touch of ODD?(oppositional defiant disorder)my youngest son has a small degree of this but as its only just coming to light by drs etc its often overlooked. In the meantime,take extra woolies& socks,hot water bottles,an electric blanket for bed maybe?and/or a fan heater for your room only?and enjoy lunch.(would her brother not be able to have christmas with her if you cant go?)