Gransnet forums


Doting grandparents ???

(72 Posts)
Aquamarine Mon 28-Oct-19 23:27:06

People... Conundrum ..
My AC says I'm too intense with GC ,
I only ever saw GC when I physically took care of GC once a week. Never more or in between...
GC started school in September.
I see GC about once every 3 weeks now, they live an hour or so away. It's not particularly quality time.
AC says I'm lucky to get this, and I shouldn't adore my GC.
So who out there thinks grandparents shouldn't dote/ adore or think the world of their grandchildren ??? Am I in wrong or abnormal ???

MissAdventure Mon 28-Oct-19 23:51:49

Does your son give examples of "too intense"?

I must admit, for me, I never understand any more than love for my grandchildren, none of the adoration or worship.

BradfordLass72 Tue 29-Oct-19 00:59:00

I love my grandson very much but usually only see him in the school holidays for a day her and there.

I see him far less often than I would like but I'm not always asking if I can (and not implying you do either Aquamarine) as I know life is very full for the whole family and they deserve time to 'flop' at weekends and holiday times.

I suppose it depends how you define 'adore and dote on'.

Just loving him is enough for me.
He's great company, very smart and funny and at 10 years old, he may be getting to the age when he simply doesn't want to spend much time at my house away from friends and all his 'applications' grin

But I'm grateful for what I can get and won't put pressure on my family.

Lyndiloo Tue 29-Oct-19 03:05:45

You're not 'abnormal' at all, Aquamarine. I, too, dote on my grandchildren. (And, if we're being honest, who doesn't?)

Apricity Tue 29-Oct-19 03:40:03

Loving is one thing, I'm not so sure about the doting and adoring bit. We all think our grandchildren are very special. They are, afterall, life affirming itself right before our eyes. You may "think the world" of your grandchildren but so do millions and millions of other grandparents of their GC. You aren't the only loving and proud grandma in the world.

When and how much time you spend with your GC is dependent on so many variables including family relationships, location, school, sport, employment and health to name just a few. Each family has to negotiate and renegotiate as grandchildren grow and circumstances change what works best for them.

It is not up to your children to ensure that the time you spend with your grandchild is 'quality time'. Parents are busy, kids get tired and cranky etc etc....The reality is that unless you are a help and support to them and fit your expectations around the realities of their daily life and commitments you will find you are less and less welcome.

Aquamarine, you are not wrong or abnormal but perhaps you are expecting too much. Love for both your adult children and grandchild can be demonstrated in many ways. Maybe your adult child is trying to quietly tell you that you are being a bit over the top and perhaps need to step back a bit?

BlueBelle Tue 29-Oct-19 05:14:09

Of course we all love our grandkids but I would never use the words ‘adore or dote on’ which does sound really intense Obviously if your adult child has said you are too intense they must be finding you over the top in how you behaviour when you see them as you are not ‘over’ seeing them You don’t go into any details as to what your daughter (son) finds too much but I think you need to have a little head search and see if you think they could be right
If you only see the child once every three weeks what do you do for the parents to say you are too intense maybe give us some ideas of what behaviour they find unacceptable

Sara65 Tue 29-Oct-19 08:06:45

I suppose something you are doing/saying is irritating your son or daughter, why don’t you try and ask which aspect of your behaviour is annoying them, it maybe that you’re just a bit over the top.

One set of grandchildren I see a lot of, the others live too far away for regular contact, probably see them every couple of months, I have never been bothered by this, they come and stay in the holidays, and the youngest FaceTimes quite often, but although I’m always happy to see them, I don’t miss them at all.

M0nica Tue 29-Oct-19 09:03:04

I, for one, do not dote on my granchildren.

Doting suggests an unreasoning emotion blind to faults (and grandchildren do have them) and far too indulgent. Not as dangerous as doting parents, but still not good

Loving them dearly, Suggests still the fond connection but a more intelligent and rational emotion that can cope with DGC not being perfect and when they need to be restrained and controlled.

Maggiemaybe Tue 29-Oct-19 09:25:07

I agree with others above. You need to find out exactly what it is you’re doing that’s annoying your AC and try to rein it in. I’ll plead guilty to being a bit of a doter, but I don’t let this translate into over-indulging or not correcting bad behaviour.

Gonegirl Tue 29-Oct-19 09:35:00

It's quite normal to adore your grandchildren.

It wears off a bit when they get to be pesky teenagers. hmm

Nonnie Tue 29-Oct-19 10:20:50

Dote: "love or care about them very much and ignore any faults they may have." Yes, that's me, unashamedly. It doesn't mean I spoil them or let them get away with things they shouldn't. I do give them my undivided attention.

dizzygran Tue 29-Oct-19 10:42:53

I adore my DG and love their company. Just do things your way.

Kathy1959 Tue 29-Oct-19 10:45:28

I’m assuming you just have the one GC. We have six so far, ages 6 months to 7 years, from four children. We’re always busy/ in demand, to the point hubby and I have started to say we want some ‘ child free ‘ weekends!! We love them dearly, but they’re hard work at times, at a time we’re starting to feel older. We’re both 60. You never get it right as parents, and probably won’t as grandparents either! Just be yourself, relax when you see him/ her? Just enjoy. Like I say, more grandchildren and you may be wishing you’re back here again! All the best?

Summerlove Tue 29-Oct-19 10:52:59

I adore my DG and love their company. Just do things your way.

just do things your way. No, don’t. This advice is tone deaf to the problem. Your AC has actually used their words and told you there is a problem! Isn’t that what we all want to see them do on estrangement threads? Now you know the problem, you can ask more questions to try to temper how intense they feel you are being.

My mother could go quite overboard, lots of gifts every visit, all the sweets they wanted. I had to tell her to calm down about it all as the children would be very overwhelmed after a visit. Could it be something as simple as that?

No matter what though, please don’t just continue on.

Aquamarine Tue 29-Oct-19 11:07:08

I'm 54 , I day dote , I mean love dearly... I physically cared for my GC every week since the age of 7 weeks, i know I was supportive , helpful in house , cooking etc , looking after pets when AC was away. I tried to be helpful , I know how it is , I worked FT whilst my only child was small. My AC says calling my GC little miss sunshine is inappropriate , that's his words, children are such a tonic, innocent and fun, my GC and I liked to have lots of fun together.
We built a close bond, mainly because us grandparents have more time , patience and I'm creative , so we had making / baking days. I think some parents are stuck to their phones and don't interact much with their children. I have a close circle of friends, have hobbies and love to travel. I work part time.
I'm always wondering what other relationships are like, mine now with GC is different , sort of when allowed , I believe all relationships are two way... Give and receive...
My AC gets irritated , so talking just makes him angry ..
Thanks people , ?

Aquamarine Tue 29-Oct-19 11:11:18

I give GC undivided attention that's what I mean...
Only have one GC another on way, that will be different , I won't get to know them ..

Gingergirl Tue 29-Oct-19 11:12:10

I don’t understand how this has come up with your AC? Is it because you want more time with your GC and they feel you have enough? Or is it because they think you are overpowering when you are there? Or something else? My GC are a few hours away and we often don’t see them for months at a time-it depends on what everyone is doing. Yes, I adore them-Idon’t equate that feeling with the amount of time I’m with them. Its just because they are my GC..the same as I love my AC -even if I don’t see them for a long time! I don’t think we can expect to be intimately involved in their lives and if that is really the crux of the problem, maybe you need to think again...perhaps have some more things in your own life. And when you do see them, enjoy!

jannxxx Tue 29-Oct-19 11:26:44

im a hands on nanna and always have been, the other nanna never bothers with them, i never had a nanna so i dont know if thats anything to do with it as i never had a role model, we make great memories where ever we go, and always will, like whinnie the pooh said, "we never knew we were making memories we just knew we were having fun" thats me and my boys.

sarahellenwhitney Tue 29-Oct-19 11:30:02

Its our choice and I have yet to meet a child who suffered abundance of affection. There are far too many young people who unfortunately experience very little and if there is need for complaint needs directing in that vicinity.I have no doubt any new arrival/s will have as much affection from you as their sibling/s.

Nonnie Tue 29-Oct-19 11:30:40

My AC are delighted that I dote, they love that their children are loved. I don't understand why that would be a problem. I talk to small children on buses and in queues and the parents always love it why wouldn't they?

winterwhite Tue 29-Oct-19 11:39:37

Feeling a bit guilty here. Three busy grand-families and 7 GCs who I see 3-4 times a year, just like many g’netters, but in between it’s my own 3 DDs I miss most and whose news I most want to hear. Same when the GC’s were babies.

allsortsofbags Tue 29-Oct-19 12:23:17

I think you are just a caring, loving GP, not "abnormal".

However, your AC may be picking up on the difference between how you parented and how you are as a GP.

I say this because DD1 has said on more than one occasion, I now understand why you were as you were as a parent and how you can be different as Ganny, more like Nanna was with her.

She says now she is the one juggling school runs, homework, clubs, music lesson, housework and job she gets it. She has said she parents more like I did and sees the difference of how I can be Granny because I am retired.

May be your AC hasn't made that connection. On the positive side at least you aren't been told you are disinterested or unloving to your DGC.

Keep on being the GP you want to be for as long as you can. :-)

Calendargirl Tue 29-Oct-19 12:36:39

I talk to small children on buses and in queues and the parents always love it

I would disagree on this actually. Willing to bet a lot of parents don’t.

Lilyflower Tue 29-Oct-19 12:37:23

I can't see the problem with affection, OP, unless you are being totally over the top in your manner when you are with them. Also, giving sweets, treats or chocolate without the DPs' permission is a bit of a no no as is hyping the kids up or allowing things not normally allowed.

I bet you wouldn't be getting this level of criticism if you were offering unpaid childcare!

chaffinch Tue 29-Oct-19 12:46:45

dictionary definition of dote;

‘be foolishly or excessively fond of’.

I love my own AC very much, I also love my five grandchildren, but have never adored or doted on any of them. Sounds over the top to me,