Gransnet forums


Doting grandparents ???

(73 Posts)
Aquamarine Mon 28-Oct-19 23:27:06

People... Conundrum ..
My AC says I'm too intense with GC ,
I only ever saw GC when I physically took care of GC once a week. Never more or in between...
GC started school in September.
I see GC about once every 3 weeks now, they live an hour or so away. It's not particularly quality time.
AC says I'm lucky to get this, and I shouldn't adore my GC.
So who out there thinks grandparents shouldn't dote/ adore or think the world of their grandchildren ??? Am I in wrong or abnormal ???

Nonnie Tue 29-Oct-19 12:48:23

chaffinch Tue 29-Oct-19 12:46:45 you have a different dictionary to me!

Tigertooth Tue 29-Oct-19 12:51:03

You sound lovely - your AC doesn’t sound so nice!
My children see my mum at least weekly, usually more. The youngest sees her every day as she collects from school. There is loads of love and it’s totally normal.
When they were younger I don’t think my children saw any difference between me and my mum, she had all of them whilst I worked part time and they have a very tight bond.

chaffinch Tue 29-Oct-19 12:56:32


My dictionary is The Oxford English Reference Dictionary.

A second meaning given for dote is ‘be silly or feeble-minded, esp from old age’.

I felt the last one might give offence to GN’ers, so didn’t quote it.

sodapop Tue 29-Oct-19 13:00:36

I agree with MOnica and chaffinch I love my grandchildren but they are by no means the centre of my world. I think some grandparents go way over the top about their grandchildren, I've lost count of the times I've been bored witless looking at photos and listening to the stories about other people's grandchildren.
I admire those grandparents who look after their grandchildren after family breakups or illness, that is an entirely different thing.

Saggi Tue 29-Oct-19 13:21:21

Never doted on anyone. Love my two kids my two grandkids. I would do anything for any of them ...up to and including a kidney, if was necessary. But that’s not doting , that’s just being a loving mum and grand mum.

LuckyFour Tue 29-Oct-19 13:37:25

Be careful about putting so much into your grandchildren to the detriment of other friends and activities. It's not long before they are grown or almost grown up and their parents don't need you for babysitting/childcare. You then don't see as much of them and if you don't have anything else it can be lonely and you may feel unappreciated. Make sure you have lots of other interests, don't put all your eggs in one basket.

Socornish Tue 29-Oct-19 13:42:24

Your child is jealous! Nothing wrong with adoring or doting in them - it’s what GPS do and he should be grateful you feel that way. Are you sure this isn’t coming from his wife rather than him?

Merryweather Tue 29-Oct-19 14:15:16

My mom calls my eldest little miss sunshine, I have no problem with it, it's quite true. She smiles and lights up the room. The youngest daughter can be very cheery too but equally stubborn and grumpy. They both love to go over to nanny's house. I have no problem with that. I don't get on brilliant with my mom and don't really talk to her about any issues or problems. For example, she had no idea number three is cooking. I also never ask her to look after my girls. They want to go and she's happy for them to visit.
She hasn't retired although could have done so a fair few years ago.

Paperbackwriter Tue 29-Oct-19 15:37:49

You sound OK to me, really loving and helpful, though I have to say the feminist side of me does rather cringe at the idea of calling a modern child, "Little Miss Sunshine". If your AC doesn't like you doing that, it may be they feel similar to me about it. In which case - that's simple. Don't do it?

agnurse Tue 29-Oct-19 16:26:21

Once every 3 weeks is actually quite reasonable IMHO. That's a little more than once a month.

I'm curious as to how you define "quality time".

NanaandGrampy Tue 29-Oct-19 16:29:12

Crikey - we call our granddaughter The Queen of The Universe, its a fun family joke and everyone understands that.

Do I 'dote' on my grandchildren - probably . Is it an issue for anyone - no. If it was they'd tell me, we'd discuss it and that would be that. As it is my daughters and their husbands know I love the little ones to bits and it is their joy that I do . They believe , as I do that grandparents can have a special bond that rounds out the family dynamic.

I don't think you sound odd at all OP

GagaJo Tue 29-Oct-19 16:34:57

I am 100% doting granny. Not at all gaga (despite the name) or losing my marbles, but I do adore my GS. He is perfect in my eyes and I wouldn't miss the time I have with him for anything.

My daughter thinks I'm daft for loving him so much, but he soaks up the affection, so clearly he likes it. I'm aware that he'll want less of it as he gets older, but for now, doting, YES I am. And don't give a damn what others think.

Gonegirl Tue 29-Oct-19 16:48:57

I would define quality time as time when you can have a degree of one to one interaction with your grandchild, rather than as part of a larger extended family group only.

Adult children can get jealous. Ridiculously. hmm

Nonnie Tue 29-Oct-19 17:01:13

chaffinch I prefer mine so will stick with it and continue doting grin

Tedber Tue 29-Oct-19 17:12:05

As others have said you really need to find out what your son/daughter finds inappropriate or OTT. Until you do you can't start to understand any of this.

Daisyboots Tue 29-Oct-19 17:27:29

At first I didnt understand why you should dote on and adore this grandchild so much mainly because I have over 20 grandchildren and also greatgrandchildren. I love them all as much as I do my AC. But then you said you only have the one AC as well. So maybe all your feelings are heaped on them whereas my feelings are spread further. Maybe you were the same with your AC when he was young and he found it overpowering so doesnt want it for his DC . It seems a shame that he is saying these things when you were so helpful looking after GC when they needed it.

namaste Tue 29-Oct-19 18:40:31

Hi Good Evening I find having grandchildren one of the difficult things, it’s that generation gap where you have done the parent thing now you can spend quality time and do all the fun things give them your total undivided attention with the family if you have a daughter-in-law because they do not have the time with all the demands it does get a little bit of walking on eggshells, so getting back to your question be that doting grandparent create those memories as they grow to quickly, I certainly dote on mine the children love it

Summerlove Tue 29-Oct-19 18:46:48

I think some parents are stuck to their phones and don't interact much with their children.

What an extremely unkind generalization.

For The poster asking if maybe this is coming from your in-laws, what on earth does it matter? The adult child is telling their mother.

OP, kindly, Hearing from many people online that you are not wrong must feel wonderful, but your child is telling you that they do not like how you are interacting with their child. Please take notice of this before your relationship becomes fractured. I would hate to see you here in a year wondering where it all went wrong

cornishclio Tue 29-Oct-19 18:52:29

I love my granddaughters dearly and enjoy spending time with them so if that is doting on them then yes I am guilty of that but they are tiny, aged 4 and 1 They live nearby and we look after them one day a week and usually DD asks us over for a cuppa after she finishes work and picks them up from nursery one other weekday. We also see them over the weekend either for a day trip or they pop in for a few hours or ask us for dinner so probably two or three days a week and the other grandparents have equal access. That might change as they get older and the 4 year old starts school next year but we will be picking her up and having her back for tea on the day we have her younger sister. We also tend to go away for a week as a family every other year.

I don't think we are needy grandparents though in that we do other things and have friends and hobbies so our lives don't revolve around them. We will always step in when needed though.

Aquamarine Wed 30-Oct-19 00:18:05

Lily flower
I didnt give sweets or other gifts, I did willingly care for my GC free of charge, I didn't mind, it was the only day I saw my GC. Of course my GC had my undivided attention , I never saw my GC other than this. I don't think over the top , I'm always interested in other people's perceptions and relationships..
Thank you guy's.

Elrel Wed 30-Oct-19 01:03:05

Summerlove - Do you use public transport? The amount of mothers on buses giving more attention to their phones than to their ignored children is sad.
In fact I sometimes comment to a parent who is interacting with their small child how nice it is to see. They understand what I mean.

Elrel Wed 30-Oct-19 01:05:38

Calendargirl - you’d be surprised how many parents do enjoy it. It just depends how it’s done. I always speak first to the parent, not to the child.,

welbeck Wed 30-Oct-19 01:39:29

maybe your issue is really with your son.
do you feel used, you mention that you did child-care, free, for several years, and that was the only time you saw your grand-daughter.
now she is going to school your services are not needed, and you feel unappreciated and given the cold shoulder.
is it something like that? you express it rather obliquely.
do you find it difficult to speak clearly and plainly to your son generally.
as others have said, it's a tricky situation.
so many people go no contact now, so be careful.
do not antagonise them, because frankly you have more to lose. if they go no contact you will not be able to see your GD at all.
so maybe it is politic to rein in your doting, in order to maintain a relationship. good luck.

Summerlove Wed 30-Oct-19 02:12:22

Summerlove - Do you use public transport? The amount of mothers on buses giving more attention to their phones than to their ignored children is sad.

That’s a small snapshot of a parents day. You don’t know what the rest is like.

That’s like saying only ever give sweets to the grandchildren. An over simplified generalisation. Maybe try not to judge them. Choose to be kind instead.

BlueBelle Wed 30-Oct-19 06:43:27

I day dote What a yucky term, I think the word ‘dote’ is horrible it actually brings on a image to me of someone being walked all over in their need to be loved by that one person and seems totally over the top
Love means being able to love that person whilst seeing their faults and there may even be times you don’t ‘like’ what they do but you still love them
You still give no clues except for a pet name (I can’t believe this is all based on that) that you are accused of

What does too intense mean ? Unless that is explained no answer to your question will be found and I don’t see how anyone can help with the sketchy clues you’ve given as there as there sounds nothing at all wrong with the things you are doing with your grandchild it all sounds perfect so there must be more to it
Do you go on and on about her wonders to your son? Do you spoil the little one against their wishes.? What are you actually accused off apart from calling her ‘little miss sunshine’ which isn’t the crime of the century so there’s got to be more you haven’t told us surely