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Doting grandparents ???

(73 Posts)
Aquamarine Mon 28-Oct-19 23:27:06

People... Conundrum ..
My AC says I'm too intense with GC ,
I only ever saw GC when I physically took care of GC once a week. Never more or in between...
GC started school in September.
I see GC about once every 3 weeks now, they live an hour or so away. It's not particularly quality time.
AC says I'm lucky to get this, and I shouldn't adore my GC.
So who out there thinks grandparents shouldn't dote/ adore or think the world of their grandchildren ??? Am I in wrong or abnormal ???

Sooze58 Wed 30-Oct-19 10:47:08

I am now a granny with one go and I love him to the moon and back, looking after him one day a week, however I am mindful that the parents come first with quality time. This is especially more so in today’s climate wher both parents are usually under so much pressure to work. When my two dds were small my mother saw my children every couple of months (we lived 2 1/2 hours away) and it became harder when they started school but the flip side was longer periods over school holidays. My mother could not accept this and ‘demanded’ she saw more of them so took me to court for a contact order. She lied in court, got her order but ended up with less time. As you can imagine this damaged our relationship although we reconciled in a manner before her death. I am VERY mindful of this in my relationship with dd and go so I take what time I am given, do not interfere in upbringing (although the parents are brilliant) and wait to be asked for advice. The result of this is a brilliant relationship with dd and I just offer my time if needed. I think by not putting pressure on them, I probably get more time.

Aquamarine Fri 01-Nov-19 08:42:26

I don't ask anything from AC I don't expect anything. I'm not demanding , I've supported in past but things have changed drastically now. It's like I'm being intentionally deleted from their lives, I can't explain it, my GC said ages ago before school started I wasn't family and I was a stranger , what 3/4 year old would out of blue say that ??? I asked my AC and reply was GC says all sorts, but I believe AC and DIL must of said something.
Just all incredibly painful and sad to me, GC and I had a close bond. Aren't families hurtful and spiteful ! No need really...

Hithere Fri 01-Nov-19 13:17:47

Why does your AC say you are too intense? Examples?

Smileless2012 Fri 01-Nov-19 14:19:46

I don't think you are either in the wrong or abnormal Aquamarine, I do think your AC is wrong though.

Why are you considered "lucky" to be able to see your GC once every 3 weeks? Sounds like it's your GC's parents who were lucky to have had all the help and support you provided.

I'm sorry that this situation is upsetting yousad. Some family members can be very hurtful and spiteful and I agree "no need really"flowers.

Aquamarine Wed 06-Nov-19 19:06:46

My crime. I called my GC little miss sunshine yes, she was fun and always smiled when she saw me, we had fun together, yes I've more time patience and I'm generally a giving kind person.
Many things are unsaid/ unspoken about in families. My son is self centred and selfish but I do love him. His dad and I are divorced. His wife , is selfish ungrateful and spiteful. They unfortunately don't balance each other. I've supported whilst DIL was pregnant , even when my AC and DIL split up for a while.
It's always been a bit of a one-sided relationship as in i help support give but it's never been truly valued. So when my AC said I was too intense and cut visitation down of course I was upset, as was my GC. They even put all the things I'd made for GC ( I sew) patchwork quilt cushions pencil bags books toys etc I bought in loft , what a spiteful thing to do. My GC was upset when she told me, of course emotionally that was traumatic for her at the time, abuse really.
So my relationship with A.C. Continued but I feel he became irritated with me, hence then this reflected on relationship with GC. I've never spoilt my GC or done things without permission. I believe jealousy plays a part , but I have to respect I'm not her parent, my AC is, so there's nothing i can do. Just sad ladies and gents, as i believe grandparents can add so much to a grandchilds life, I can't seem to reason with AC.

BlueBelle Wed 06-Nov-19 19:16:09

Well if all you ve ever done is call her ‘little miss sunshine’ that’s silly and unreasonable of course and it all sounds quite daft and detrimental all round

Starblaze Tue 12-Nov-19 18:15:01

I started out full of sympathy for you and hoping that a simple chat could resolve this.... As realistically, we cannot undermine the way our children raise their children and need to be respectful of their choices. Then as I read on I became more and more horrified by your comments. The way you demean your son and dil will be picked up by them. They will feel it, sense it and respond to it. That's if you aren't actually verbalising it to them. It's not normal or understandable to me for any parent to be so critical about their adult children even anonymously. Yes talk about issues but those are just sweeping statements. I think perhaps you need to work on having a more productive relationship with them and listen while they explain where the problems are because I don't believe you are faultless here at all I'm afraid.

Aquamarine Wed 20-Nov-19 22:38:39

I agree starblaze, 2 sides to every story , but I know I'm kind thoughtful and not cruel. Who would tell their child granny is not family and that she's a stranger, who would put granny's home made things books bought gifts etc in the loft , my grandchild has never been allowed photos of me , or are they any in their house. So as I agree 2 sides but my situation is very unbalanced , and tonight I've cried and wept for the new grandchild born yesterday , that I have been told I'll never meet , they won't know me or know that I exist. There's so many things in life that are unsaid, and cruel. No where else to say them but here, so thank you.

Smileless2012 Wed 20-Nov-19 22:56:26

AquamarineflowersI remember how we felt when we were told that our youngest GC had been born, knowing that we would never know him or him us.

A member of our staff had seen the announcement on line during her coffee break and told Mr. S.; she was in tears as she told him as she knew how upset we would be.

I just don't know how anyone would take a loving GP away from their GC, and upset a child by removing the things their GM had made and bought for them.

You're in for a rough time, as you digest the news that another GC's been born, and you try to come to terms with being told you'll never meet.

Although it can make us feel pretty horrible afterwards, it's good to cry and let out as much of the pain as you can. Take one day at a time and keep in touch if you can, and let us know how you're doing and that you're OK.

Starblaze Wed 20-Nov-19 23:14:13

Aquamarine I really don't want to see you on the estrangement threads. I hope you find a way to resolve this. I think different generations parent and behave so differently now. All this tension and bad feeling will be the elephant in the room, you know each other too well. Some relationships are just hard sometimes but when there are grandchildren involved... Respect the boundaries their parents set because they have all the rights there even if it seems unfair to you. Keep it polite and respectful and just love those children. You don't have to say it with words, things or pictures etc, they will know. Try to let go of the bad feeling towards the parents or the children will pick up on it. You'd be amazed what children notice, they are like sponges. Remember the parents still have growing up to do. I still haven't finished doing it.

Starblaze Wed 20-Nov-19 23:18:00

Apologies Aquamirine, I didnt have my glasses and I misread some things. I can see now that Things have fallen apart. Birth times are highly emotional times and also very bonding and loving times for new mums. Hang in there and be patient. Things could change.

Bibbity Wed 20-Nov-19 23:43:40

It is not abuse to declutter!

I believe you’re last post had a seriously overinflated opinion of yourself. The way you speak of her parents can not possible be contained when in person.

Sawsage2 Thu 21-Nov-19 00:00:06

Has anyone on here had a lot of stress with a teenage grandaughter stealing, thrown out of school, in care. Police involved. I know she is troubled but won't listen to anyone. It seems she will have to hit rock bottom before she changes. You may think 'she needs love' and she gets it but the bad behaviour continues.

BlueBelle Thu 21-Nov-19 06:27:04

Why not start your own thread sawsage as yours is a totally different problem

GagaJo Thu 21-Nov-19 06:50:40

I really feel for you. I am a doting grandmother, and I also fear that isn't popular with my AC. As you and others have said, such a shame because that grandparent/grandchild bond can be a really special one. Grandparents can add to a childs life in a way parents can't.

I have VERY fond memories of my grandparents, my granny in particular, even though she has been dead for over 40 years. She and my grandad gave me totally unconditional love and it supported me through a difficult childhood.

Our relationships with our grandchildren are SO fleeting. Once they are teenagers, we will become mostly irrelevant to them (understandably, I teach teenagers and I see why) so the early years are SO important.

I'm on a sticky wicket with MY GC too and as such, am NO expert in giving advice. All I would say is do whatever your AC wants/will tolerate to have anything relationship at all with your GS.

Summerlove Fri 22-Nov-19 13:09:18

I agree that decluttering isn’t abuse

But it is odd to remove all photos before severing a relationship.

There is more to this story, whether aqua knows what it is or not, is something else.

Daddima Fri 22-Nov-19 13:31:47

I’d say I’m definitely not a ‘doter’. I think I deal with my grandchildren the same way my mother ( and I also) did with my children. I get on well with them, and they all seem to enjoy my company, but I’ll still have a word if their behaviour isn’t good, and I’d like to think I recognise their different personalities.
The Bodach had a violent and abusive relationship with his mother, and I think she tried in her own way to compensate by being very ‘ dotey and adoring’ to our children, which did make us cringe at times. It didn’t take them long before her gushing baby talk made them uncomfortable.

Kaye26 Mon 31-Jul-23 22:06:35

My grandchild has been living with me for 5 weeks now, my husband and myself are working and we are still finding it difficult financially and I was wondering if there was any sort of help we could get from the government ?

Germanshepherdsmum Mon 31-Jul-23 22:17:44

Start a new thread!

Grams2five Tue 01-Aug-23 06:01:59

Op you keep coming back to you think your ac and their spouse are jealous of your bond with their child. Say that again very slowly and see if this may be the root or this problem. You’re more patient now etc they’re jealous of you and little miss sunshine’s bond. Surely they have a stronger bond no matter how much they work etc after all
She is their child ? Something tells me part of thei anoynqnde with you may stem from this thought you seem to have that your bond and energy and closeness to THEIR. Child is worth being jealous of. As if it’s stronger than their own.

Aldom Tue 01-Aug-23 07:05:53

Grams2five perhaps you have not noticed, but this thread is almost four years old. smile

Grams2five Tue 01-Aug-23 14:37:52


Grams2five perhaps you have not noticed, but this thread is almost four years old. smile

Oh gosh I hadn’t I check
Active discussions and there it was!