My son is an abuser

Starblaze - you're post makes helpful suggestions but they really aren't grounded in reality. I don't mean to be rude b ut the notion that the courts and police can arrange 'perpetrator courses' is vanishingly unlikely. We don't live in an ideal world.

The OP is doing her best, as is her daughter in law. The abusive male needs to sort himself out, see his GP and get referred on to an appropriate NHS service. Sadly, the waiting list may be 2 years....

LibbyR, this must be terrible for you. I hope your son feels better now that he is alone and I hope he gets treatment for his anger. I do hope the poor young mother and her child will be safe.

Iam64, it's not that way in my area but I should have considered that things aren't always done the same way across the country and waiting times can differ hugely.

You can’t be joking flexible friend. The OPs son likely to kill someone- his partner, their baby, himself, or all 3- if left unreported. He absolutely should be punished and put in jail because at least that way his child and partner aren’t at risk. His future job prospects shouldn’t factor in anyone’s concern while a woman and child are still in danger.

I have brought up my GD,now nearly 21,from the age of 4,still suffering effects from the abusive behaviour of her father to my daughter.

My daughter was beaten in front of my GD,many times.

My daughter tried to break many times from the relationship.

The final time she tried to leave,was beaten in front of my GD,who remembers her screaming out for me while on the floor.

That night due to the beating she took her own life.

My GD suffers this day to anxiety,trust,abandonment issues.

I hope this is relevant,I have seen and live every day with the damage done by DV.

We had to move away from an area under victim protection,that we had roots and family,jobs and friends and resettle in secret 150 miles away.

This a sad reality of DV,father also has MH issues.

This is our experience of it.from the childs experience.

Oh gosh Downtoearth fortunately I have no experience of DV but your story really tugged at my heartstrings

Downtoearth I have no words, your story is one of saddest I've come across on here

LibbyR you are marvellous! I love to read your voice of reason.

downtoearth - thanks so much for sharing your own story. It shocks me that some people still seem to minimise the impact of domestic abuse on children, as well as on the victim who in my long experience, is almost always the mother.
There are so many grandparents caring for grandchildren who suffered as your loved ones did. Can't find enough words to express my thanks to you x

It may well be difficult to get help for anger management etc via the Nhs but if people genuinely want to change they can pay to do the same courses privately. Far better than waiting for the state to provide them once the perpetrator is behind bars.

One difficulty is that the evidence that 'anger management' courses change people isn't strong.
People who have significant difficulties , whatever name we give them, need firstly to fully acknowledge the damage their behaviour causes to others as well as to themselves. They need to engage in psychotherapy rather than simply attend a group . Sorry to seem negative but this is an area I sadly know more about that I wished I did.

Hello lovely X
I've just posted a similar story on another thread only it's about my daughter and her partner ....I can only empathise with you as it's such a hard situation ...I can totally understand how Ill it must be making you feel...you are doing the right thing by supporting her and your grandchild but any reporting of the DV incidents had to come from her. ...your responsibilities lie with your grandchild depending on if you feel he is safe around his father ... safeguarding should be made aware but currently whilst they are safe with you all you can do is be there for her..talk to her . Let her open up to you ...but have someone YOU can talk to as well as you will need an outlet x
He needs to seek help himself and the natiobal domestic violence helpline will be able to put both him and her in touch with groups who offer programmes for perpetrators of DV And their victims x However he has to want to seek help and recognise he had a problem ..that's the hardest thing x

Abusers as I said before don’t change. I now live in a completely different area after leaving . The 5 year injunction I was awarded after I had him convicted of assault in court, has run out. Myself nor my adult children or grandchildren have any contact with him and I live in fear of him finding us as I don’t believe he will not try to get some kind of revenge for me daring to leave and divorce him. Courses don’t work because most abusers think they are entitled to do what they do because their partner “makes them” so it’s the partners fault always .

Downtoearth

Courses don’t work because most abusers think they are entitled to do what they do because their partner “makes them” so it’s the partners fault always .

There must be a cause for why they believe they are entitled. can't some angry people be re-educated?

Of course some people can change if that's what they want to do. It wouldn't be a case of doing one short course and everything would be fine. They would undertake several courses over several years. They have to learn just how much damage their anger causes both to those around them and themselves it's not a quick fix and nor should it be. They should also have a counsellor on hand they can contact if they feel they are slipping backwards.

Yes there is a cause it’s called selfish , self absorbed, entitled, narcisstic behaviour and they don’t change because they don’t see any reason why they should. They have all the control so why give it up

It doesn't really matter why someone is an abuser.

Possibly they've had a terrible upbringing, maybe they have a need to control, or perhaps they're just horrible, entitled, abusive people.

The end result is the same for those people caught up in their chaos and violence.

Move out, and let them get help for their issues, before a tragedy happens.