How can I compete with his idea of a perfect woman

No way would I even think of continuing to live with a man like this. Get out while you're still young enough to have a good life, with or without another man. Your H lies to you as well as all the other things. Don't delay, leave him!

Why would you want to compete?

Reading your post turns my stomach an unconscious woman being raped, he’d have his clothes packed, you are worth so much more than this. I certainly wouldn’t want him around the house. Let alone in my bed. He’s addicted so I doubt very much if he will change, kick him to the kerb, so you can live your life the way you deserve to live it. Not stressed and upset n having to check his phone etc all the time, certainly not what marriage is about , Good luck to you

I think it's time for the parting of the ways.
Your husband needs help . His addiction is most probably the reason he is unable to have proper sex with you or maybe it's the other way round, that he is watching porn because.
One thing I find missing is the fact that you have not said "I still love him but etc" so is it worth staying ?
Stop comparing yourself to these poor women on the videos, you are worth more than that.
Oh, about that video that was supposedly deleted - police these days can still find items on a phone, lap top, iPad even though it has been deleted. For all you know, they may already be building a case around this - report what you found.

When I found out that my husband got his kicks from porn, I didn't say anything. I just stopped having sex with him. It was never much good to start with, so I was glad of an excuse. Having sex with a man who enjoyed watching degrading sex repulsed me.

Ican.. Yep!
TAS. Im no prude so 'harmless' porn is one thing but i hope you do take this further if you have genuine suspicions that your husband may be involved in the more sinister side of pornography.
You don't want to find yourself in a position where you are being accused of being complicit with his activities... Distance yourself!

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Definitely leave him. He gets turned on by humiliating women...thats the long and short of it. power to you big hug ?

I wouldn't be staying with him either as I could never trust him, especially when he goes away and doesn't contact you for days on end. Do it clinically, sort out all your finances out first and make sure you have somewhere to go, you obviously don't need his financial support anyway. If you don't want to face him with it leave when he's away, but certainly think of yourself. Why should you have to put up with this kind of behaviour, you only live once, go out and enjoy the rest of your life with someone you can trust.

"I decided at this point we had very different ideas of marriage and I was now running a succesful business so was financially secure, but he begged/pleaded and got very emotional promising to change and do anything to make the marriage work so we didn't split up and he changed or I thought he had anyway."
I'm very glad to hear you are financially secure! Because he hasn't kept his promises, has he? He hasn't changed, and as for 'do anything' - well, what has he done? Continued to lie, continued to access disgusting porn, continued to be rubbish in bed, continued to chip away at your self-esteem.In what way does this marriage work for you?

I agree with others, get your paperwork in order, get his stuff packed up and kick him out.

I haven`t read all the comments,

I am with Stella, but then it is easy for us,, me! to judge and say I would do this or I would do that.... in any other persons story,
I thought porn was illegal.... I could not condone it.

I agree with most of the PP's who say he is unlikely to change, he is the problem not you.

I notice you were married at 16 which is very young. I would guess that he has never been through the experimenting stage. This is not an excuse but another reason why I doubt it will ever work with him and you being married anymore.

I hope you will look after yourself and either kick him out or leave. Whichever you prefer.
He is going to drag you down further. You are still young at 47. Don't wait til you are older.

I haven't commented on the porn cos it has all been said by PP's.

TAS27
What are perfect tits? Perfect to whom? which appears in this instance to be the opinion of H and friends. If you find anything pornographic in your house then contact the police.

Please TAS27, Make a new life for yourself whilst you still can.
You are worth so much more than this,,
Do not let him drag you down into his gutter, with the rest of the sleaze balls. You are way way too good for him , leave him with his perverted filth, cleanse your mind & soul & begin to live a life you well & truly deserve. If it seems too scary , remember that there are organisations that will help you, best wishes .

Why are you still with him? What are his good points? Does he have any?

Just remember you are a perfect woman, don't let anybody else tell you otherwise.

You don't deserve this. I don't think he will ever change either. Get out now but take legal advise first, make all your assets watertight, protect your future because he will not do anything decent by you. I strongly suspect that he has another phone and devices that you know nothing about. This man is an abuser and is annhialiting any feeling of worth you have and it will get worse if you stay. Think of your own safety too. Do not protect him, do not believe him. Keep strong, wishing you future happiness.

Porn is not illegal for over 18's so contacting the police would be pointless. What adults get up to at home is up to them but the point is TAS27 is unhappy with what's going on understandably but it's not a police matter. The problem is this stuff is rife online and seems to be shared among mates, they just think their wives are frigid for not seeing what they see they can't see the problem is them.

Well FF some porn is very illegal and the point is the op has alluded to possible underage stuff, so while I agree with you in principle (can you imagine all the teenagers who would be reported to the police) i do think she should keep her eye on the situation.

Men view this differently to women ( although not extreme porn or anything involving an apparently unconscious woman of course.)It’s so easy to find on the Internet now and no doubt some men are fascinated by it.If your husband seems addicted to it have a talk with him and say you will leave him if it doesn’t stop pronto, maybe a shock will change the behaviour.
Do you love him? If not really, then you have your answer.

Get yourself out of this situation. Next time he is away pack all his stuff up and put it out and change the locks on your doors. The fact that he had pictures of young girls on his phone is absolutely disgusting....law breaking. He is probably part of something illegal by the way.

I send you live peace and courage x

Your heading is How can I compete with his idea of a perfect woman

From what you have said, you don't want to compete, since his idea of a 'perfect' woman is quite abnormal.
So do what others have said, get legal advice and get rid.

His extreme addiction leaves no space to show you any care, concern or respect. He is clearly making you feel extremely uncomfortable etc and your own feelings must now be your only concern. The holidays away with no contact ring huge alarm bells with me also. A relationship should enhance your life not make you feel so worthless, so please think carefully about finding peace in your head even if this means divorce. You can rebuild your life and feel good about yourself ?good luck.

This definitely sounds like a sex / porn addiction and agree with the many posters who have suggested you need to get out. You tried to discuss it with him but he just went further underground so he is clearly not going to change. The deleted text messages and trips away with no contact are huge red flags.
Good for you that you are financially independent and can make a new life for yourself.
Wishing you all the best - you deserve so much more!