Husband wants to end 30 year marriage

Just like GagaJo, I wondered if he had been unfaithful in the past. I also wonder, CrochetGranny, why you are so upset that this 'man' believes that your marriage is over? Personally, I'd be celebrating! 30 years? You'd get far less than that for murder! Move to the cottage and start a new life.

I was reading and screaming in my head, 'please please talk to a counsellor and gp'!!

Like others unfortunately my take on your very very sad situation is that he is gaslighting you.

Re read minimoon's post it all makes sense.

Talk to your children after you have spoken to a professional.
They deserve the chance to support you and you need family on board.

Yes Hithere ...projection!

You have to ask yourself, do you want to spend the rest of your life with this man?

Seems to me whatever you say or do, he's always going to bring up his suspicions of your infidelity on certain occasions. You shouldn't have to live like that. I suspect too that he was unfaithful and he's passed the virus on to you. How else have you got it. You should be angry about that.

As others have said, tell someone about your situation. Get some professional help. And really think about your future. As I've already said: You shouldn't have to live like this. You deserve a normal life free from someone causing you so much pain all the time. I would tell one of your children first perhaps or a close friend. Get someone else's perspective on it. This will make you realise that the stresses your husband has been subjecting you to, is not normal. He sounds very insecure and he needs help too. You deserve to live your life like everyone else!

Bon courage!xxxxxxx

One of you had to give the HPV to the other, if you're sure it wasn't from you then the answer is pretty obvious isn't it? Agree with others that he may be being defensive because he's been caught out.

One of you had to give the HPV to the other, if you're sure it wasn't from you then the answer is pretty obvious isn't it? Agree with others that he may be being defensive because he's been caught out.

One of you had to give the HPV to the other, if you're sure it wasn't from you then the answer is pretty obvious isn't it? Agree with others that he may be being defensive because he's been caught out.

I suspect he has had extra martial affairs and is judging you by his own (low) standards

Unless he is prepared to get medical help, which is difficult with people with paranoia as they don't realise that they have it, it is hard to see what can change.
If he has lucid moments, you need to talk to him during one of those and insist that he sees a doctor as you won't be able to cope otherwise.
It is a difficult condition to treat though and if it is getting worse, you need to consider whether you are going to be able to cope.
Could you separate but still spend time together when he is well? You need to consider all your options, take advice and then decide what to do, but this is not likely to improve with age. It is a horrible situation to be in and I wish you well whatever you decide.

He sounds really ill and you both need professional advice & support. This furious outpouring of accusations can be symptomatic of conditions you can't possibly cope with on your own. When you live with someone day to day (especially if you are an accepting kind of person) you often miss or overlook earlier signs of deteriorating mental/physical health. They just creep up on you. Now it's clear there's a big problem with your husband's state of mind. It's not your actions that have caused this - though he has fastened on this because he can't explain his state of mind in any other way -and you can't heal him. Tell your children he is in a bad way & get their help & support and get professional support. Wishing you strength & that you find the help you need.

I agree with bingo12. Take control of the situation and tell him you won't put up with this abuse (for that's what it is). Asking him to move out will give him the jolt he needs.

I have to agree with MaryFinn -can you carry on like this?

It's a continuous pattern although over many years. And the abuse and accusations are covering up an underlining issue which would be painful for you both. It may be something in his past having his trust abused or this could be guilt. But overall it doesn't sound like he is very happy and of course his dragging you down with him. This is an extremely painful time for you but unless he is going to open up and talk there's no reasoning in it. There has to come a point when your self esteem is more important than his outbursts.

Can you confide in any of grown up children?

Please talk to your gp . Do you have the same doctor? Because you could express your concerns and he/she might be able to help.
He sounds confused. He begged you to come home but wants a divorce.???
He sounds unstable, please be careful.

I’m sorry to say that I agree with others’ suggestions regarding infidelity on his side. It is quite common for guilty parties to project their transgressions on others. It explains the HPV test but also goes some way to explain his mental deterioration, especially if he is predisposed to mental anxiety. I am so sorry for you to be going through this.

Depending on your views if this were to be true, might you both consider counselling? Marriage is far more than sex.

Sounds to me like he's the one having the affairs. He's probably trying to convince himself you have too, so that he doesn't have to have all the guilt. I'd call it a day if I were you, all that stress is not going to help your health.

Don't react ...this will throw him completely off balance ...you can of course cry in private but don't let him see ...don't rant and rave, don't do anything ...ignore him unless he physically hurts you ...then go to the medical centre and show them the bruises ….and ask them to make a note on your records.

THEN meanwhile, rationally collect everything you have relating to costs, expenses, income, outgoings, things you may have paid for or contributed to during the marriage and keep these in a locked file somewhere he cannot find them. This is 'evidence' of your contributions the marriage (also consider whether you gave up your career for him,etc) and once you have calmly and rationally sorted out all this paperwork, along with a note of his episodes of unreasonable behaviour and verbal abuse, you have enough to consult a lawyer if you wish. I would not imagine, from what you say he would be prepared for counselling ….

I know this is hard (been there, done that, had the bruises and broken bones !) but as you have two properties, it could be time to move out permanently into your chosen one. Once, and only when, you have had time to consider all this, and to look at what you could do as regards to affording to live on your own, (he will in all probability contest a legal division of the properties ….but you can take a lawyer's advice on this) and how you can live your life alone. You could mention to the children you and he are going to be living separately for a while ...after all they are adults ! If you can, wait until after the wedding ….give you more preparation time ! DO NOT TELL him what you are doing, i.e. preparing yourself. IF meanwhile he leaves ….then good ! Please take care and do not show him how upset you are by the accusations ….next time he accuses you about affairs, etc ask him to get checked out medically as well …..he may well go mad at this, but just explain tongue in cheek he may have passed it on to you ! If he is violent, you cannot put up with this and can call the Police ...that may make him think again Believe me, you CAN make a life for yourself ! ALSO as has been suggested, although going on for some time, he may have underlying mental health issues …….my late (second ) husband has Parkinson's disease and vascular dementia which made him violent and aggressive …….see if you can ask him to get checked out !

I think the 2 years clear-up period has been questioned MiniMoon. It is still thought by many to be the case but a 2012 study found that not to be the case. I remember reading this years ago. May be more current studies agreeing or refuting so don't know if that's the most recent.

"HPV in older women may be due to reactivation of virus, not new infection." ScienceDaily. www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2012/12/121213085204.htm

HPV can linger for years. It all depends on which type it is so it is possible that you had it before your marriage or caught it early on from your dh
However the question is how long have you had it for - it can be years beforesymptoms show but a smear would show it.
As its just shown up - then either its new-ish, it hasnt been tested for previously or it has been tested for and you werent told you had it. Maybe worth seeing if you can find out from your doctor if its one of the latter scenarios. If its new, then as you have been fsithful it rather points at your husband.
Could he be accusing you of an affair to deflect from his own infidelity?

The smear test doesn't always pick it up. There was a Danish study about this around 2014... somewhere around 2.4% (?) I think

One paper I read suggested some strains could lie dormant for decades!

This may be controversial but with him accusing you of having an affair has he in fact had one that he feels guilty about and so in order to deflect from himself...just a thought

Hi GG.... It is so hard to live in the same house where there is constant accusations lying around and if this is because he has been straying that is something you really need to assess but If he is failing in his mental health then although this needs to be assessed you are The one who must speak to a professional body because if he is getting something like Alzheimer’s or dementia then now is not the time to think of leaving You would not forgive yourself if He became mentally on stable because he was there with your brain problem and in sickness and in hell does form a large part of marriage I know this simply because it happened to me and by the time I returned to nurse him he did not know me it really is up to you now to approach your doctor with his symptoms and ask himFor direct for directions to get help

I am so sorry op for all your difficulties. And I am sorry that what I am about to say, as others have, will hurt you further. It sounds, unfortunately, as though you are with a very manipulative man who has most likely been unfaithful to you, left you for someone else all those years ago and come back. He has also probably been unfaithful since then too. He is most likely deflecting his wrong-doings and guilt by blaming you, as some men are very good at. His over-reactions likely a cover up. Also, as someone else said people often judge others by their own standards so those capable of an affair will more likely suspect their partner to behave in the same way. I am so sorry. I don’t know what the answer is but it sounds as though you have been in a marriage that has been manipulated throughout by your husband and it’s borderline abuse towards you. It might be the best thing for your health and sanity to dissolve this union. I think what you may have considered happiness was just times where is was normal maybe rather than anything more because you have suffered so much at the hands of this man you have conditioned yourself to chronic misery almost and anything better than that seems good. If that makes sense? Think of yourself above all else. Your children would want you to be happy not stuck in this toxic situation for their sake. Good luck op. ?

Minimoon is right on how the hpv virus is caused so you can only have caught it from someone who has it (sexually). There is a condition called Psychological Projection which is when someone is (or feels) guilty of doing something then blames someone else. Is he having an affair and to relieve his feelings of guilt he is projecting on to you?

Message withdrawn at poster's request.