Friends excluding me

Seefah I am really sorry to read about the bad time you had at the hands of those mean people. I am so glad it is over and you have decent friends now.

It reminded me of the things that the Counsellors always say. That is, do not set your happiness and self-worth in what other people think of you. Believe in yourself. Learn to love and trust yourself. When you come from a well-grounded and secure place inside, then the bad things others say or do to you cannot hurt you because your inner strength holds you together. You know who you are. You do not need validation from others to know that you are a decent and worthwhile person.

are you sure they were genuinely flirty messages and not just 'fun' ones that you are maybe overreacting to because you were in a bad place at the time? How did your husband react to them? Did he take them seriously?

@*eelousia*. I've been catching up on the problems you've been having from the two times you wrote to us in December and the message about going away for Christmas you sent in January.

I think there is a lot going on in your life especially since your son was born. I apologise for getting his age wrong on this thread, I think he is just about a year old, is that right? You said in the past that your husband is unhappy and resents being the sole bread-winner, that your MiL treats you appallingly badly and derides your mothering skills, and that you have felt so unhappy in the marriage you have fantasised about leaving but would not do so for the sake of your son. You seem to have a very unsupportive husband whom you describe a 'emotionally immature' and say he discusses you with his mother whose English is poor and who ignores you a lot when you try and speak to her. Now you feel rejected by your old friends.

You have written to us so many details that it is clear you find your life is filled with unhappy relationships. I think you must get help. Go to your Doctor and explain that everything is getting on top of you and you have no support at home, in fact the reverse. Ask for counselling. You would benefit from seeing someone outside the situation who can support you and help you sort out your feelings and priorities. Does your MiL live with you? You said she would rush into the baby's room at night and she would grab him from your arms. She sounds horrendous. You do need someone to talk to about her, let alone everything else!

Stop worrying about those friends. Do keep a healthy routine of going out and taking your son to Mother and Toddler groups and any other groups for his age that you can find. I would get out as much as I could if I were you. I imagine your DH knows no different than to be subservient to his mother, but you are the mother in this household and what you say goes. Try to support him regarding his job, which you say he hates, try to show him you appreciate his keeping at it for his family. I think you need to tell him it is hurtful that he talks about you to his mother. Also the issue about the texting girl needs to be in the open. How did she get his number?

You are carrying a great load of worries. I don't want you to become overwhelmed by them. You need to find somewhere that you can go for support to talk over all the worries and difficulties in your life. It sounds as if the MiL may be the source of much of it. While she is destabilising the family dynamics between your husband and you and your son, you are not bonding as a family. You need help. I hope and pray that you find the right help soon.

Meanwhile, keep healthy, don't dwell on those friends, remember you are doing a good job as a mum, try and find mum and toddler groups to go to, eat well, and try not to allow MiL to upset you. Ride over it somehow. Distance yourself as much as you can.
With best wishes
Elle x

optimist I am not surprised that upset you! Your old “friend” sounds very unkind and I am glad you have moved on

I think the friendship has run it’s course the time you have to them can now be utilised in making friends with people who you have things in common.

Hello eelouisa. It sounds as if you are feeling down about what happened but honestly, if you feel you are not part of this 'mainstream' group of people because you are straightforward and open in your views, then you are much better off without them. I am not suggesting they are bad people but many people, as I have learned through life myself, prefer not to live in the real world. Be grateful that you are as you are but know that sometimes we have to 'soften' our edges. Being this way does scare people as they are frightened of the truth, but remember, it is only the truth as you see or believe it. You will find like minded people and I wish you well along the way. Remember though, take the softer route when airing your views. Very best wishes

If you would gain satisfaction approach one of the friends you have felt comfortable with and let her know what happened. Then, unless the group acknowledge to you they have been duped by the culprit just move on. You say yourself you have always felt 'apart' from the group so what's to lose. Good Luck.

Flirting and texting your husband? Not a friend I’d like to have.. I say things as I see them also....my friends love me for that as they know exactly where they stand ...don’t change yourself..change your friends ?

I certainly didn’t expect to read ‘teenage style issues’ on a Gransnet site! Wouldn’t have thought this would work - so many of the readers here have more pressing issues (health, finances, relationship with grandchildren etc.) in order to seek advice.

@Destin The issues may sound ‘teenage style' to you, but as you can see from the many responses, the 'Grans' take everyone's problems seriously and understand that however simple they might sound, there must be something very upsetting going on for a person to feel motivated to write to a public forum such as ours.

I am deeply moved by the caring answers that everyone has given here. They show deep thought and understanding and a strong desire to try and help eelousia in the hope that her life may become happier. This is what makes GransNet so special for me, the number of very caring and sincere people who share their wisdom and give their time to try and help each other.

I did training as a Counselling psychologist, although it wasn't the main part of my profession and I've been retired for some time. After I retired, because of something that happened to me, I became involved with a small charity helping people mainly online who were troubled by severe bullies or narcissists. We would get letters occasionally which we were sure were hoaxes, maybe written by a narcissist. However we had a policy to take every letter seriously. You cannot tell if someone is in deep distress, alone and crying for help and this is like a last clutching at a straw for them. Even a letter that sounds a bit silly or childish, or a problem that sounds immature, may be masking a terrible distress and the person is not able to express themselves very well. Some situations are just the tip of the iceberg, and the matter about which a person writes may be just the last straw in a succession of terrible difficulties because of something going on in their life which they have no control over. It could even be that they are married to a narcissist or a psychopathic person! These types are extremely cunning at hiding their nasty nature and come across as charming and likeable to everyone else but give their partner a life of unmitigated hell. That is just an example. Other reasons could be depression, poor housing, exhaustion, poverty, so many things - just use your imagination. But one thing happens that just pushes the person over the edge and stops their ability to cope and they write asking for help about that thing.

I never underestimate the misery a person is feeling when they ask for help, no matter what their problem. I am so proud of GransNet because the vast majority (all but you here, so far, I think) have the same outlook and always take time to help, no matter what the original poster asks about. God Bless you all, dear kind Grans Netters!

Oh grannytotwins That is so sad! People are so unkind! So thoughtless too! I mean, what has age got to do with friendship indeed? Sure, we probably have more in common with our own age-group and thus relate more to each other, but there are many friends from different age groups. Your 'friends' sound false to me. Making such an arbitrary excuse to refuse you into the group! Sounds like you are better off without them. Try and fill your life with other things, interests, groups, places to go. Along the way you will meet people and develop new friendships.
Good luck! Dry your tears and take care of yourself. Treat yourself to something lovely! You deserve it!

Ask yourself why they found it so easy to move away from your friendship.
Time to find something else to fulfill you.
Easy come easy go ..you will meet others to be friends with .

First of all, I can totally emphasize with how you're feeling. I think this situation happens to many of us. What I have learned is that Jesus brings people in and out of our lives. Some last a season for a reason. Sounds like you were in a clique of high schoolers. Women who haven't boundaries and thought it would be fun to go after your hubby...maybe some jealousy at your good marriage? Never let them know they got to you. Keep your head high and be cordial. Kill your enemies with kindness and maintain your boundaries. Seek other opportunities to bond with other women who have morals.

tillybelle Well said.

Thank you Tilleybelle - I can see your side - we all come from different points of view.