I have a grandchild i love but really dont like

Im a grandfather of 19 and 3 great grandkids.i think im lucky most are well behaved and love to see me.but one grandson is a little bratt when he comes into my house.hes into every thing in my home.he carnt keep his hands off what i have.if told my daughter.she thinks i dont like him.i blame her for his behavior not having good parental skills and letting him having is own way.hes past that stage now.hes grown up and learned lol

Completely agree that children test boundaries to make sure their safe zone is still there and I feel very sorry for such an insecure child and a loving gran. I do also think that there could be underlying autistic spectrum disorder, I have a young friend who is an 8 year old little girl, highly intelligent but was diagnosed with autism at around 5. She is very challenging to her mum in particular, but has to be taught how her behaviour affects others as she simply doesn't have that perspective. She constantly pushes her boundaries, (very tough on her amazing Mum) but that's because the world is a confusing place to her on a very fundamental level. She's also adorable and I love her like a granddaughter, her younger brothers are my godsons so I see her a lot. Perhaps a book called Aspergirls might be worth a look. Hope you're keeping communication open, they will all need you in the future.

I really feel for you I have similar feelings towards my grandson, his sister is loverly. So really don’t understand his behaviour fortunately his dad my sil has some idea what he is like. Just have to hope he grows out of it.

i also wondered if there is some special needs involved here. that might explain why the parents seem to indulge the child.
i didn't quite understand OP's comment about being annoyed that the parents had given in to the child and came to fetch her home. surely if OP was finding the visit/child heavy going, why would she want to prolong it all week.
maybe the child was just unhappy in that house, didn't feel relaxed. i have stayed places that felt uncomfortable, but as an adult i can just leave. children are expected to fit in.

My youngest was always very strong willed at home. Out and about and at school he was really quiet (too quiet - he barely spoke at all there), but with us could scream & shout & he generally bloody awkward.

I realised when he was quite young, that anxiety was at the root of it all - (hence the different responses at school where he shut down & home where he reacted furiously to not being able to control things). I found what worked well was to tell him BEFORE going anywhere what I expected from him. How I expected him to behave, with specific examples of what I wanted him to do & that if he didn’t we would just leave quietly. I found it really worked - if I did that he would behave beautifully. If I forgot he would get anxious, start trying to control and once he was in that mode seemed completely unable to stop. I have carried him out of places rigid with screaming before. In that case I would take him home, put him in his room until calm, then explain why it was so unacceptable then before going out again remind him of our expectations and what was not acceptable. It really worked (think I had to remove him twice - both times when I had forgotten to lay down my expectations in advance).

During secondary years things improved a lot. He didn’t have any problem making friends but did seem to need some time away from them as well to decompress. I continued to tell him what I expected before going anywhere because while he no longer screamed himself rigid he could still become bloody awkward & unable to step off that track when anxiety increased.

May be worth reading the challenging child by Stanley Greenspan. American, but he really shows what might be causing some hideous behaviour & why it needs a slightly different response. Not that you can fix anything of her parents don’t recognise the problem - but you may recognise bits & that may help. I think if I hadn’t recognised the anxiety in my son & changed the way I responded everything would have spiralled. Recognising that anxiety most definitely did not mean allowing him to behave appallingly - it just meant giving him a bit more guidance & not just expecting him to be able to behave beautifully like my middle son (who was always a bit of a perfect peter )

Oh at home he did continue to shout and scream, in response to not being able to control us, but I didn’t really care about that - would just stick to it being unacceptable however much he shouted & would discuss things when he was calm. My concern was focussed on how his behaviour impacted on others.

Gradually things got better at home as well.

Kids can be complicated beings.

Oh just to add he really struggled staying away from home, could manage one or two nights but no more.

I really would recommend that book - will find a link

Here - it just made me think a bit differently about my youngest - you may find it gets you thinking about your granddaughter who does sound an unhappy little soul www.amazon.co.uk/Challenging-Child-Understanding-Enjoying-Difficult/dp/0201441934/ref=nodl_?tag=gransnetforum-21

I did the reciprocal tantrum bit when my DGD was about 3 and being quite impossible. It did work - she was somewhat amazed my voice could be quite so loud. I just imitated every word she used. Not pleasant but she quietened down almost immediately

Have a look at:

hes-extraordinary.com/category/special-needs/autism

The autistic spectrum is large and growing larger, and she may have PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance) or something similar.

An eight year old can usually understand fairness and may also rebel against what she considers to be unfair.

Teachers can help this stage along by the sort of children's stories that have fairness as the theme. Those close to the child can have brief and light conversations about fairness as it impinges on pet animals and other children.
I am sure you would hope the little girl learns real compassion besides superficial politenesses.

A child who is trained in superficial politenesses woiuld of course be easier for you to have as a guest. I don' t blame you at all if you refuse to have her staying longer than one night in future.

She may be very intelligent and clever and also badly trained which seems to be the case. I think the only course open to you as grandmother is to rise above the bad behaviour and smilingly prompt her to express herself politely such as "I see you miss your Mummy very much". "I am sure Mummy will come for you as soon as she can". "Granny (Nana etc)wants you to be happy here, so we will talk about this after you are dressed."

On the positive side, she seems to be a child who will not be coerced by bad men.

Her unpopularity among other children will disappear when she is with the academic stream at secondary school and her friends are as or more intelligent than she.

Not all children on the autistic spectrum behave like this lass (speaking as a parent of a boy with Aspergers). Children are all individuals & behave accordingly. And all children need to be guided right from wrong - it can be very hard work indeed with some & I do know another girl, same age, only child,who rules her
household and is utterly indulged by her mother & grandparents. Even family social events are kept waiting for her & when she's had enough they all have to leave. I couldn't believe it. The mother treats her like her sister not daughter & blames everyone else for imposing rules. I've tried my best to chat to her but she sulks & glowers at me. The mother claims she's a super intelligent child & doesn't tolerate 'thick' people well (cheeky mare). I feel sorry for the lass because she's not getting a well rounded childhood with reality lessons. She's just been taken out of school no 2 because they didn't condone her disobedience or agree with mum that she's a child genius so its ok. If you dare to voice the slightest perceived negative comment to the mum you are frozen out & branded stupid.

When I was working overseas, one of my colleagues, who had his family with him on assignment, was asking around in the canteen for babysitters for a saturday night for his boys of 8 and 10. Their behaviour was notoriously bad and nobody volunteered, then one brave ( but honest) colleague said ' I would recommend the SAS'. Stunned silence, embarrassment, but finally the penny dropped.

I have relatives that had ,three grandchildren that had massively poor behaviour. Having said that they have grown.up a bit and their behaviour has improved with two of them. Just say my house my rules. I.think.you do.love them but not their behaviour. I.think a lot of modern.day parents are very indulgent with their children and will.reap what they sow as teenagers. I.have been told by my son that his child is not to.be smacked.

I also feel that you shouldn't have to put up with this behaviour in your house. Maybe try shorter visits.

My soon to be ex partner was the only boy in a family of girls (and the youngest child) He was totally spoilt by his mother and sisters . He still has tantrums and tries to control people at age 61 . He really thinks he is a special person and is quite arrogant. Challenge that behaviour now .

Could we stop with the 'all modern parents spoil their children' stuff? Not true, there have always been badly behaved children and irresponsible or weak or indulgent parents. My cousin was such, a spoilt child, and that was 60 years ago.

Could we stop with the 'all modern parents spoil their children' stuff? Not true, there have always been badly behaved children and irresponsible or weak or indulgent parents. My cousin was such, a spoilt child, and that was 60 years ago.

I have to agree, I have observed many different kinds of parenting over many years ...and still do!!

I'm so sorry this happened, theonly! I imagine you tried to set some boundaries/lay down some rules, and GD didn't like that b/c she isn't used to it. Or maybe she's just going through a phase where she's not comfortable being away from home, some kids do. Or hey, maybe she senses you "don't like" her (I totally understand why you feel that way). Regardless, I know it was disappointing, but I think you were lucky she left. Clearly, she's not a child you can deal w/, nor should you have to. At least, not right now (as some have said, she might get nicer when she's older).

"She told me i must just mind my own business and didnt have to tell me why she wanted to go."

And she didn't have to. I'm just sorry she was so rude about it.

"... my daughter was angry that i was trying to tell her about how to discipline her child."

Most parents would be, I'm afraid. It sounds as if they are catering way too much to that little girl, and, no doubt, that's a problem. But they're not going to listen to you, so please don't waste your breath/energy.

"I feel like never inviting her again. "

I don't blame you for feeling this way. And, in fact, like some others here, I wouldn't invite her on her own again for a long time. I would just see her as part of family visits or larger events. And I would try to keep even those visits short. I would enjoy seeing her, talking w/ her and hearing her strong views, etc. But I wouldn't let myself be in any situations where it was my job to manage her behavior. You don't need that aggravation.