Porn

PS I may say my own ex husband declared the be all and end all of a sexual encounter was for the man to penetrate the woman.

my feelings/opinion

porn abuses other people, both men and women, I should say the production of porn abuses....

not for me thank you

My late husband watched porn and bought girlie magazines too. A computer man told me that he sees that porn sites have been viewed in nearly every house he's visited.

I perceived it the same way as men watch football . . . some like it, some don't. It really didn't bother me to any degree.

You will find that some of the young girls that perform in these porn films come from being sexually abused when younger and do not see sex in the same light as someone who was brought up in a loving environment.

I will just leave that here.

Interesting that he doesn't like you initiating sex? Porn is about control - men can lie back and enjoy watching what's going on, when they want it and in the form that they want it, without actually having to DO anything about it. There IS research that suggests that overdoing it on Porn can affect men's sex drives (the receptors in the brain get overwhelmed by the chemical reaction to the intensity of what they're watching and their body's response, so that the brain kills off some of the receptors, in order to keep the reaction under control - this is why men get habituated to milder porn and need more hard core stuff to turn them on as porn use increases). So "ordinary" sex can become a struggle as they try to get turned on by that - with fewer receptors in the brain to respond. As for your dilemma - I think I would demand to see what he's watching to make sure it's not violent / demeaning or involved under age people. If it's fairly soft porn, then you need to decide whether or not you can live with it. If it's hard stuff, then I would be asking for a divorce. Good luck.

Yes, there are some highly paid porn stars. But as someone who worked in social work, I can tell you that they are the very rare exception, and that most are from vulnerable backgrounds, who have often been in care; they may have been sexually abused as children or at least beaten/neglected; they are "groomed" by vile individuals who just see the chance of making money from them. Most are on drugs - even if it's strong painkillers - just to get through the "performance" - and when they're not "fresh" enough to be wanted anymore (if they survive it all) then their "boyfriend" often puts them on the streets to make more money for him there. The most heartbreaking young woman I ever met was one in her 20's who had already had 4 babies taken into care (she was a heroin addict); and had been making porn since she was 8. The glossy films and highly paid porn stars are only lauded because they're the "respectable" veneer on a truly squalid, dangerous and vile "industry".

Thankyou Carly, that's a much more comprehensive explanation than I gave.

We all find reasons to justify enjoying things that we know are fundamentally wrong. We wear cheap clothes from supermarkets knowing they will have been produced in sweatshops; we drink tea knowing that the pickers are probably paid a pittance. Exploitation is part of what fuels production and consumption.

But none of these many things strike at the heart of the central relationships in human society that are the glue that holds it together.

There is a difference between these things and directly buying items to watch people being exploited.

To dissociate sexual relationships from loving considerate relationships is damaging to everyone, especially the young.

There is exploitation of women in particular in the porn industry that cannot be ignored. For every well paid apparently well-balanced porn star there are dozens of exploited vulnerable women.

I was a social worker and know the sort of challenging upbringings that these women have suffered, and how vulnerable they are to exploitation. And human trafficking plays a part in this "industry."

I would find it extremely hard to justify a few moments pleasure for me against the suffering of those who find themselves forced to take part.

Smedleyswife, firstly a big hug from me, I notice your last sentence says you don’t know what to think, Perhaps you could concentrate on how this situation makes you feel, once you can understand how you feel about it, you can decide more easily what you want to do about the situation. Either way please please do not be coerced into anything that is not ok with you & your own soul. Best wishes

CarlyD7 - I endorse what you are saying - from professional experience with vulnerable people - your post appeared whilst I was writing mine.

People vary on this. Personally, it would really upset me. Porn, some say, is a harmless outlet, but would they still say so if he was watching it live? Having an affair? Most porn is exploitative in some way and much is very degrading to women.

Personally, I’d find it horrible too. Tell him honestly how it makes you feel. It’d one now, the only thing you can do is discuss it.

Watch it with him!

janebuck, why ? What if OP doesn’t want to ?

The problem being skirted over here is that Smedleyswifes husband (And lots of other husbands)feels that he has to lie and hide the fact that he enjoys watching porn. If the man likes watching it he should watch it. If you don’t like watching it don’t. He isn’t forcing you to watch it, but you are virtually saying stop doing something because I don’t like it.
My husband watches porn sometimes, I watch it sometimes, sometimes we watch it together, ok I realise that is us, but even if I really didn’t like it I would not say to him you have to stop because I don’t like it. If the position was reversed and it was him telling you to stop doing something because he didn’t like it, I can guarantee half the people here would be up in arms.
Having said that, if someone male or female can’t stop watching it then that is a problem.

I feel for you Smedleyswife. I think porn is an abuse of women plain and simple. Its also degrading to the men who watch it. Why would a well adjusted, loving man want to watch women being used purely as objects, for self gratification. Why would a partner/wife collude with this?
There is a general theory that men are unable to control their sexual urges? Is this true or is it that throughout time men have had a sense of entitlement and have been able to dominate and use and abuse women in any way they choose.
Many women in porn movies have been sexually and emotionally abused as children and therefore have very low self esteem and they may have a drug habit they need to finance. They may be a single parent trying to keep food on the table for their kids.
Some women argue that what a woman does with her own body is a personal choice but I think looking deeper you would find an unhealthy emotional life and very little self esteem. There is nothing wholesome about porn! There are a lot of informative videos on Youtube about this topic.

If your husband has a problem with porn addiction, it will cause many problems, lying is usually step one, feeding themselves on usually degrading porn and practices that cannot be met in real life leads them to impotence, step two, and also that impotence then can cause you to feel like it's your fault, step three, especially if they've concealed it and are habitual liars.

I found it also leads to decreasing respect for them and eventually disgust but do acknowledge they need help, just not from me.

But you are telling people to do something they dont want to. I dont want to be in a relationship with someone who watches porn I think its abusive. So no I cant my partner stop watching porn but I can choose whether to remain in a relationship with him of he does it.

Sorry numerous typos!

I guess for me it would feel like a betrayal of our marriage and a form of violation. It is also a very unhealthy addiction and can lead to other unfaithfulness. A close friend has left her husband because porn addiction grew into using prostitutes. There are porn addiction helplines and groups you might find helpful. Get good advice and support before making big changes. If a man truly loves and respects his wife he would not choose to engage in practices that cause her harm. Remember that how this makes you feel is totally valid.

I see control here. It seems that he is in control of when you have sex. I also wonder about your user name...Smedleyswife This indicates that you are not your own person. You are obviously very sad about what is going on. I see no happiness in this relationship. Is there any love? Lovemaking is a term used when people care....not sex.

My husband returned to looking at porn about 10 years ago as I was going through the menopause. As you can imagine at the time it did not help my self-esteem much as I was upset that he needed to look elsewhere to satisfy his needs and no longer found me desirable.

Before reading this post I found him in his office once more looking at porn. I was shocked and disgusted as I assumed after the last incident he had stop. However my first reaction was to inform him that it was not fair that he has neglected me all these years yet can still lust after young women.
In my ranting I also reminded him that these are not fictional women but young vulnerable girls the same age as his own daughters or younger. Exploited by men so dirty old men like him can satisfy their lust. I also asked the question of how would he feel if I lusted after young men, an questioned dismissed as ridiculous.

Thankfully he was ashamed or more likely embarrassed at being caught and apologised but I suspect it will happen again as old habits die hard.

Smedleyswife. I noticed at the end you mentioned that you look after yourself well etc. The problem is not yours. Men watching porn can erode a woman's self esteem... the message being that you're not good enough, attractive enough, sexy enough etc. Don't let his behaviour steal your self worth.
Please put the issue firmly back in his court.

Porn is not reality... the woman have had endless manipulations of their bodies.. breasts larger, lips bigger, bums smaller etc etc.. again, to satisfy the fantasy world of men.

Love your beautiful body, with all the wrinkles and human imperfections. Thank her for all she does for you every day, stay close to your self worth.

No experience of this but a friend did have a similar problem some years ago. She asked her husband to find her some sites where she could view porn too- but slanted towards women.
He was not at all keen on her ogling naked men & very soon agreed to stop himself if she would.
As far as I am aware it has never happened since.

I think porn is for lazy men who can't be bothered to put in the effort, physical or emotional. Also, there is evidence that it isn't just men that have sexual problems after watching too much porn . Some women report being unable to be aroused during sex.

If you are uncomfortable with this, and I would be, make it clear that's the end of you engaging in any further bedroom activities for the foreseeable. Include sleeping. You don't want to lie next to a man with those sort of images in his head.