Daughter

It is hard for you ,but you need to think what will she do when you have both gone ?
You are enabling her and how do you know that if you stopped “helping her with rent “ she would be homeless?

She could be playing you ,I know I sound hard but she is a parent and should be taking responsibility.

If she is on Benefits or UC her landlord can apply online for her rent to be paid directly to him.
I know this is true because I had a tenant that was not paying me she is on UC .
So now it comes straight to me and I get rent payments for rent she owes me a little each month .

So stop giving her rent make her stand on her own 2 feet

Love many of the comments. I'd add IF you support financially at all in the future do NOT hand money over to her as she clearly cannot be trusted. Get the details of whoever needs paying and do it direct. Then you will know the money has been used for a sensible purpose.

It isn’t as simple as you don’t pay a rent and you are homeless. There are a lot of things in place To safeguard this and my advice would be that you encourage her to get the right advice and support from a local support group in your area. To start with she should be on universal credit if rolled in your area or job seekers allowance (JSA) or if she has an underlying condition employment support allowance (ESA). There are child tax credits and working tax credits that will come into play depending on income and hours worked and that would be for them as a couple to help with the children costs. There is also housing benefit which will be separate unless on universal credit and if neither are working that will pay their whole rent unless they have an excess of bedrooms and are subject to bedroom tax. But they are far better actually to be in rented rather than mortgages with their unstable work patterns as they do have protection. If they do have arrears then there are ways to ask for additional help and time to deal with those and repossession really is a last resort and can only be carried out once a section 21 notice had been successfully applied and a court has heard the case. Also as they have children (under 18) they are protected by the Children’s Act 1989 which means even if they do lose their home they will have to have emergency housing - which could be a B&B or hostel or other temporary accommodation and would be helped by their local authority as long as they have lived in that area for more than five years. So please do not let them use the threat of not being able to pay rent to make you give them money. If it helps there are inline benefit calculators including an excellent one from turn2us (a charity) that can give a guide on what they should be receiving. Hope that helps.

Morning Gingster. You sound like a lovely caring mum. Would it be possible to pour out your feelings and subsequent decision on a pretty card to your daughter and then you will feel more able to say more easily what you intend doing from now on so as to lessen the likelihood of making yourself feel depressed. You have helped your daughter greatly and now the time has come to help yourself. Best of luck. ?Remember she wouldn’t be where she is today without you!

Surely if they are in dire straits they should be claiming housig benefit towards the cost of their rent and also council tax??

I know you would never stop helping. My best advice would be to give a couple of big bags of good basic groceries every week. And say you will pay directly for a few necessities for the children, clothing etc. This should help her financially, so she can budget for bills, and you will know they aren't starving. Don't give her actual money. If she causes a row every time you bring the subject up, she is being very ungrateful and using you for a mug.

Gingster, do you know why your daughter decides to do what will disadvantage her? For instance, why did she decide to have four children and different partners?

There is something wrong with her thinking and she learns different she will not improve.
I don't agree she needs even worse experiences to make her more responsible. She needs to learn the way backward children learn, with kindness, for the sake of her and her children.

My guess is she has some mistaken idea about sexual relationships. Is she a simple-minded romantic? Or is she so lacking in confidence she believes she cannot live without some man or some parent supporting her?

I mean, anyone may be in material poverty for reasons beyond their control. But your daughter has four kids so why did she choose to do so?

She is very fortunate to have such a kindly mother as yourself!

It's time someone sat her down and told her how an adult woman aims to manage life.

Your daughter is taking advantage of you either by intention or out of habit. You need to stop this. As someone said earlier, rather than pay part of the rent why not buy the grandchildren shoes/clothes (not all of them), pay for school trips (not all of them) and occasional groceries (not every week or even on a regular planned basis). That way you're still helping the family especially your grandchildren.

I guess she's claiming benefits. Is she claiming everything she can get? Where abouts in the UK is she? Is it a high rent area. I did a quickie calculation on Turn 2 Us for someone in a situation similar to your daughter's. Of course I had to guess children's ages/gender etc but allowing for that she must be getting around £400 per week and it will be even more if she's in a high rent area. Then there will be free school meals when the children go back to school.

I had an elderly neighbour who was drained in this way by her son. Like you she worried about them losing their home and the grandchildren not getting what they needed. After she ran out of savings, she started to take out loans so that she could still help him. Eventually it had to stop and oddly the family didn't become homeless or starve.

You say this is already causing trouble between you and your DH. Listen to him. Your marriage is important. You've worked hard for your money and it should be yours to help you enjoy your retirement not be used to fund your daughter.

I think there is a great difference between helping out and propping up. I think your daughter needs to be told that enough is enough and it’s time she took responsibility for herself and her children.
Where are the various fathers for her children? Does she not know about birth control?

Vampirequeen, I admire your practical mindset and ability with facts and your advice is good.

Do you need the money you are giving her. Is it actually leaving you short. Do you really need the money back.
I’ve obviously been watching too much Judge Rinder.
If the answer to the questions I’ve asked are all yes. Then you need to put it in writing and create a legal relationship with you daughter and her partner. Create a payment plan with an end date. Otherwise you are plainly gifting it and will probably not see a penny of it back.

Sorry posted too early. As for her rent she should be claiming benefits to cover this.
She’s taking you for a mug. Sorry to be so harsh. Stop Paying. She’s an adult and needs to stop abusing your kindness and stand on her own two feet.

Stop paying her rent, and tell her to put the money she owes you toward the rent instead of giving it to you. Birthday and Xmas gifts for her (not GC) tell her you will deduct some of what she owes. This way you are still helping, but also encouraging her to be responsible.

I also agree with helping out by giving specific things, food, children's shoes etc that'll directly help the GC. As others have said there are other ways to get help with the rent and if she won't look into them maybe you should do a bit of research, online at present. The fathers should be making some contribution to their children, any hope of that?

Only you can decide. You're not going to get the money back BUT if you stop paying would she in fact be made homeless or would her current partner step up to the plate and get a steady job , would they start to budget appropriately and find the money somehow, would social services step in? You'll never know because I suspect you will just carry on paying as most of us would to protect daughter and grandchildren. Perhaps you could just have a heart to heart with her and help her sort out her finances?

I feel so much for you Gingster. We had years and years of this with my daughter to the tune of thousands of pounds. She sometimes got lump sums of money herself, house sales (before repossession), redundancy etc and always blew the money. She was a bad picker of men but it used to break my heart to think of her homeless and with no food.

She now lives in a house provided by my other daughter and helps out with the children in exchange. Yet again she has given up her other job and is now totally dependent on my other daughter.

I really don't know what the answer is for you and if she will ever change. You can only do what makes you able to live with yourself. I think buying directly for the grandchildren is a good idea. It is so hard to cut them off entirely, financially I mean.

Sorry, but if her and her partner are on a low income, they should be claiming Universal Credit that will cover most if not all of her rent. If he is unemployed they will also be entitles to a reduction on their council tax.
Stop the payments to them now. She is an adult and old enough to pay her own rent and if not, it's up to her and her partner to sort it out.
Sadly, unless you put your arrangement in writing, there is nothing you can do. Maybe tell her that every pound you give her now is a pound less she'll get after you've gone!

2 words - tough love! As long as she knows you will pay she won't bother. I know it's hard but it's time she took care of herself, why would she if she knows you'll do it. Everything you've said makes me think you already know what needs to be done. So she may become homeless, she has a partner she's fit to work let them get on with it instead of sponging off you! I know it will be hard on you watching the children be homeless but that's the mothers responsibility! Whatever you do don't let them move in with you or they'll never move out and what you've been paying now is nothing to what you'll have to fork out in the future!

Oh so sad.
Really feel for you and having read the lots of good advice I would worry about your daughter's partner who is clearly no help.
So many of us help our children with money and my thoughts are if you can afford it so it. We gave our only son a large chunk of cash when they first bought a house even though we had only my husband's pension as I was recovering from a stroke and had no work.
But she does need to be responsible for her own finance and if that means benefits so be it. Giving her a supermarket shop and essentials for the children might be a better move now.
Eventually the children will move on and then what

If neither of them are working they will be getting help with paying the rent, also benefits for the children. I agree with another reply maybe help out abit with stuff the kids needs.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I think some of you don't really understand the difficulties of life for those on a very low income these days.

Oopsadaisy, benefits are SO rigidly enforced now that it can be almost impossible to get help. My own daughter is unable to get any realistic financial support from benefits for a range of reasons, despite having worked all of her adult life until she had my grandson. This has been checked and double checked. This is the reality of life on a low income in the UK these days. The days of benefit scroungers are long gone (good thing that those that don't need them are now unable to access, bad that it's made it nigh on impossible for many who genuinely need help).

I partly agree with the enabling comment, but as grandparents, we have a double concern. No, we don't want to enable adult children to be eternally reliant on us, but equally, we cannot stand by and watch our grandchildren's lives blighted by adult children that refuse/are unable to be totally independent. I want my grandson to have the opportunities other children have and consequently, I accept that I will have an ongoing partial-responsibility for him.

H1954, you took the words straight out of my husband‘S mouth! That’s exactly what he said when he read this, only perhaps not quite as politely as you.

dontmindstayinghome, you can sell up and move into a rental home which will allow your rent to be paid. My daughter did it because of the change in the rules which meant mortgage interest is paid but is charged against your house. My daughter was only getting half of what anybody on housing benefit would be receiving which made it a cheap option for the Government but this stupid rule meant that she had no option but to sell up before she owed more than the house was worth. She is significantly disabled so she cannot work. Her husband does work but is also her and the children's carer so they are never going to earn big bucks. Of course, I am assuming you are in the UK for the rules to apply.

Gingster I have to agree with the others who say you are not enabling your daughter to stand on her own two feet. I know it is really hard to watch them make bad decisions but they never learn if they know that there is somebody to catch them. They also show their children that they do not have to take responsibility for their actions and her children may not have a parent with a magic money pot. The logic that you grandchildren will suffer is actually one of the things that will likely increase their suffering in the long run. Sometimes, you just have to be cruel to be kind.
Your daughter not talking you every time you tackle this is working to keep you in line. If you daughter has 4 children, she is no doubt entitled to help which will include child tax credits, Universal Credit, etc. These benefits will include money for rent. It may not be a luxury lifestyle she will be able to have but with careful planning she could manage. I suggest you tell her that the pot has run dry and get her good financial advice from some of the Charities out there.

I think as well as talking straight to your daughter about money and how to manage it better you need to talk to her about her responsibilities as a mother. She is behaving really badly and is showing you no respect. Change how you treat her, you must have known you would not get the money back so why lend money to her. As others have said do not hand over money at all, buy groceries, clothes for the children. The partner does not have responsibility for the children if they are not his but does not sound a benefit to the family. Hopefully child number 5 won’t be arriving. How has she arrived at being 41 and be so irresponsible?