Tips for dating, what red flags to look for?

Question from my mum, when I was thinking of marrying a chap: "Is he a kind man?"
That was her only comment ... and it turned out, he wasn't!

Good advice here for all single women looking for companionship. Thank you all for your sensible helpful posts.

When you are are in a position of conflict, do you work as a team to resolve the problem or is it a point scoring exercise? Everybody disagrees at some point and the way they handle conflict is very telling.

It probably doesn’t apply in your case, but seeing how he treats his mother is a good pointer to how he will treat you.

Apart from that, and not having dated anyone since 1963, I can only say to trust your instincts. I didn’t and had a not-very-happy marriage for many years.

After the basics - he's considerate etc etc - then if you decide to take things further I would suggest that you don't get involved with a man who is not on the same financial footing as yourself. I'm sorry if people think I am hard, but after two divorces and the last one leaving me in a bad financial position I think with my head rather than my heart now. I have remarried (third husband) and we have been married now for 14 years.

I would try to go out for a meal with this chap and observe how he treats the waiting staff. If he is rude to them that's a red flag. Plus how does he treat people or animals who are of no 'use' to him?

Does he have a generous spirit? If, for instance you won £25 on the lottery would he smile and say, "Well done," or does he moan, "I never win," begrudgingly.

Some danger signals in my opinion are the following:

The man doesn't want to mention past relationships (he is hiding something)

Is chary of giving details of his place of work or other personal information that comes up in conversation.

He wants to borrow money, or get you involved in a money making scheme.

Other things that should give you pause are if he is always boasting about his accomplishments, flies of the handle about small things, or always wants to be right.

Wish i had some of this excellent advise years ago.

I was in a 20 yr relationship, then single for 10 yrs during which time I mainly used internet dating sites. What I found out was that 99% of them are married looking for a leg over (even when they say they are not & looking for relationship not casual fun). So my red lights were a) if they turned up late to dates, told me they did not value my time b) if they never offered to buy me a drink, conveniently forgot to bring their wallet!?! selfish with money, selfish with everything! c) if you can never get hold of them - married d) not working still living at home with mummy - looking at you as surrogate mum and will expect you to do everything for them, house them, feed them, support them e) if they have been single for ages, there is a reason, but you just not found it yet - usually their home a mess, they are a hoarder, obsessed with a hobby which takes over their life. I gave up in the end after endless heartbreaks , guys will say anything just to win you over, get in your knickers, or under your roof but their true colours shine through eventually, just tread carefully and do not believe a word they say!

tricky as some red flags start out very tiny and only begin to unfurl as you get attached to them. Lots of wise words, one that hasn't been mentioned is if he goes too fast, acts romantically very soon, says how perfect you are, contacts you very often, wants to be with you all the time, has exactly the same interests as you, goes on a real charm offensive and gets you hooked, and then he can drop the charm bit. a man like this can sniff out a needy woman. You sometimes see stories about older British women who go out to a poor but warm and sunny country on holiday and meet the love of their life, a young charming man who falls madly in love with them, and when he has basically got what he wants, money, whatever, will disappear from the scene. Not saying it might always be the case, but that is one end of a spectrum, where it is obvious to everyone but the poor fleeced woman, not all are so obvious
Decide what your deal breakers are. Does he resent you seeing your family, that would be a deal-breaker for me for example, is he stingy, penny-pinching beyond reason, or is he so generous that unless he's a millionaire there will be a problem with this down the line, your money/house will be at risk, what would you have to give up if you started a relationship and what do you not want to give up, hobbies, friends, family, does he think you ought to sell your car as you don't need 2, then you are reliant on him for example? Does he basically just want someone who will look after him, so basically wants a housekeeper or will he be an equal partner. Someone said an equal financial footing, as you get older this is even more important I think. Is he over-reliant on alcohol, what are his previous relationships like, does he diss all his previous partners or bosses - chances are while some might have been unreasonable, they were not all totally unreasonable or crazy. And how does he treat other people, those in service roles for example. Is he a racist, are you politically compatible, doesn't mean you have to agree necessarily but if you are living together you don't want it grating on you every day.

oh just remembered some others f) if they are evasive about you meeting their family and friends = married g) if they are evasive about giving you his address/work details, only ever wants to come to your house, evades personal questions generally, just grills you for info = married

Take it slowly, be yourself, and trust your gut instinct, you can tell a lot about a person by how they interact with your family and friends, their family, and obviously how they treat you as a person, if they are always talking about themselves run for the hills lol

Also if they are glued to their phones when you are with them,

Be wary of men who have divorced in later life and are looking for a port in the storm.

What a great question and what wise and wonderful advice. GN at its best, imo. and all round!

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wow, thanks again for all your tips. Its good that some he definitely isn't and some I have no idea.

I like the "looking for a port in the storm" idea, I have been that in the past and am scared that will happen again, although it is far too early to know that yet.

Just posting on here is helping me to be more grounded. We have only met 4 times after all!

I have been on my own for 4 years now and have ventured into online dating cautiously and with a degree of anxiety about this but have now dippedy toe in the water and it's not do bad if you can handle the expected norms of behaviour. It is definitely not the same as when dating when young.
I like Apricity' comment about avoiding seekers of the nurse or the purse! The S rules also are a good starting point. Sense of humour,
Shared Interests, Sexual compatibility, Solvent, Sane, Schooling & Social Standing, and also possibly the Speed of the relationship. Go at your own speed and don't be pressurised or pressurise your date. Show your natural personality.

While many of us have the fall out of past relationships to deal with, it's best to avoid heavy baggage carriers and being a baggage handler. If after a while you think you will be uncomfortable introducing Mr X to your friends and family, heed the warning inside your head.

Dating should be fun but I think it is important to establish discreetly what both sides may be seeking in the longer term, particularly once you reach a certain age, you don't want to either be or be subject to time wasters. If you get to the stage when you are not enjoying looking forward to seeing someone, then it is probably time to call time and move on. If on the other hand the relationship progresses further, take legal & financial advice before getting to a point of no return, especially if assets are at stake, and where these are unequal.

Good luck, proceed with a good balance of caution and excitement in your new found friend!

Sorry, forgot to add Sober to the list of S factors in my previous post! That's an important one in my book.

I have 3 golden rules of dating:
Do not date anyone with longer hair than me.
Do not date anyone with bigger boobs than me and...
Do NOT date anyone young enough to be my son!
Recently, I discovered a really good analogy - if I wouldn't introduce him to my best friend in Spain, he's history!

Here are some red flags that can warn of an abuser. It’s worth knowing someone for at least a year before you commit, and going on holiday with them if possible, as to start with abusers will generally look very good.

www.facebook.com/1662776777354084/posts/2375760486055706/?d=n

That post is by a woman who left an emotionally abusive marriage and now works supporting other abused women.

Lots of advice and comments on here ineedamum but don't forget to enjoy yourself and have some fun. He may not be your next partner but you can be friends and enjoy companionship.

NEVER MARRY THEM!!
I recently came out of a 20 year relationship ( my choice) and have never been happier or calmer. We still see one another but on my terms. Fortunately I have my own house and pensions.
I couldn’t have gone through a second divorce, they’re far too expensive and depressing!

It might seem old fashioned, but I think good manners are very important. My late husband was a gentleman and if a man doesn’t do those little things, it upsets me! I know they can say women now want to be treated equally and we are all feminists, but who doesn’t want to feel cherished?
I could not tolerate meanness in a man, money is not the most important thing, but a spirit of generosity is,
Also, look out for little things which irritate you, like table manners. These things might start off as trifles, but end up infuriating you.
Having said that, no one is perfect, including you.