Could my husband have aspergers?

My late husband was showing signs some years in advance of his diagnosis with Parkinson's disease ….we had (the docs and specialists) originally thought it may be Asperger OR Narcissisctic Personality Disorder as he was for many years incapable of hearing anyone's thoughts but his own, often with aggressive and bullying behaviour. In the end the Parkinsons diagnosis was eventually reached which although it did not alter his personality traits, did give a valid reason for his behaviour...many times I had thought of leaving as his aggression became violent ...but I stayed and just got on with it. After four years where he deteriorated slowly, he then had to go into care as he could no longer safely remain at home (constant falling, aggression towards the nurses that came in for some medical procedures) ...the only thing he loved was the two cats we had …..so sad. He never accepted he had anything wrong with him which was even more difficult and fought against any help or advice people TRIED to give him......so sad ...but maybe you could have a word with your doctors who might refer him for further tests and maybe a brain scan ? good luck ..hope it works out for you...

For me, I just feel exhausted dealing with the isolation and loneliness being in a marriage with an autistic/asperger's partner.
There is little sense of 'togetherness'.
The unbreakable habits are only exposed at home, and include many things. Such as hoarding and untidy ness in the extreme.
I.no longer have the physical ability to combat this trait.
I actually feel burdened and controlled by this behaviour, whether he can control it or not.
At the end of the day it's me who has to change/pick up the pieces to try to make life bearable, and at present I dont have that capacity.

So sorry junerose I did t mean to hijack your post!
Just feeling at the end of my tether for a mo.
Good advice from others though.
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Nowadays there is no such thing as "Aspergers" per se. You are either ASD or you aren't. There is no high functioning, low functioning just ASD. Saying we are all on the spectrum somewhere is considered to be offensive because, whilst you may have some traits that go hand in hand with autism, your brain is neuro-typical. You would no more say that we are all bi-polar to a certain extent than you would say that we are all blind or deaf to a certain extent.
Nobody knows for sure what causes ASD, it appears that some people have a certain gene which is co-morbid with some people with ASD. Some people with ASD had difficult births, some didn't. Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome (Hypermobile Type), aka HEDS, is something that often goes hand in hand with ASD as is chronic and severe constipation. There is no gene identified with HEDS either so if that ever gets identified, there might be a double break through! Until the scientists work out the cause, we are just stabbing in the dark.
All my children have been diagnosed with HEDS and I am convinced that my daughter is ASD. Several of our family have been diagnosed and I have urged her to take the quiz mentioned above. She says she has and she isn't but when I asked her some of the questions in the quiz, her answers really were very different from what I have seen of her behaviours. She suffers from severe anxiety, stims, is extremely black and white, a complete control freak and, quite frankly, has meltdowns which are legendary. I have learned to interact with her as if she is ASD and that has made a very difficult relationship much easier.

kangaroo73, if your grandson is having difficulty getting work, as well as help with the condition, he could get support from organisations that recognise it as a disability. Employers who have more than a certain number of people on their payroll should include a percentage of those with recognised disabilities - of whatever kind - otherwise they are not complying with equal opportunities legislation. Is there a disability advice line in your area?

I live with my Asperger's son, and after 36 years accept his quirks. All his friends are autistic so I don`t find it weird. I realize now that I too am the same but didn`t realize it as my late husband was a busy, busy person with lots of energy and I just followed in what ever he wanted to do, but he found our son difficult to understand and left him to me. Don`t try jokes they always fall flat unless you say "joke!" at the same time. We are all different and I don`t suffer loneliness and neither does he!

BlueBelle

I think we re all on the spectrum A diagnosis would not really help him because if he could behave differently I m sure he would have done
I can’t see any value in telling him of your concerns instead use the knowledge you have (hopefully) gained by reading up, by pinpointing things in your brain and change the way YOU behave to his quirks He won’t have the ability to change he is what he is, you can’t cure Asperger but you can learn to understand it and stop banging your head against a brick wall trying to change him
Having a name for his lack of being how you are expecting him to be isn’t going to alter it, it may make it worse as he may feel attacked for something that seems quite normal for him

Read up as much as you can and hopefully you love him enough to alter how you react to him
Good luck

Speaking as someone who suspects Asperger in themselves I think it’s ridiculous to say we’re all on the spectrum. I have one child with a definite diagnosis and the two of us are unlike anyone else in the family. Social interaction is very difficult for us. We suffer extreme anxiety over the smallest things. We are both intelligent underachievers. Every day has to be the same. For example today we are having laminate installed in the living room and we’re very anxious, on edge. It’s every day things, too, for example using the phone. Neither of us can do it very easily. I get hot and bothered when talking on the phone. I get emotional after social interaction, especially with people I don’t know. We’re both obsessional about whatever we do.

Thank you to everyone for your thoughtful posts. It seems this is more common than I ever realised. I'm still feeling my way but hopefully just knowing there may be a reason why we have the difficulties we experience will help.

Men and emotions.
Men in general dont show emotions they are expected to be strong, supportive, stiff upper lip and all that. The worst combination is a couple that are both emotional at the same time.
I’m no different, when there are emotions shown by the women in my life I try to be as supportive as possible until things calm down

Watch Doc Martin that might help as one example of aspergic behaviour. We are all different but I have yet to find an aspergic person who is not kind even though we often get things wrong through lack of awareness or inappropriate responses. Self awareness of the condition can help as my wife can prompt me with a squeeze of the arm when I may have responded in an inappropriate way. As others have said take pleasure from the good bits. None of us are perfect partners.

I was a teacher in an all boys school. One day I was moaning that my DH had never arranged a holiday for us. Her suggestion was that I treat him the same as ASD boys. One instruction at a time and to start small. Well I was able to get him to book a table for a meal but the stress level for him was awful. I am now (mostly) kinder in my thoughts about him and in the way I 'manage' him.

Davidhs .... Men and emotions
This made me laugh as it reminded me of 'Martin' in 'Friday Night Dinner', only he keeps saying ''Women! Females! Emotion!''

I dont think this thread is really blaming men though.

I suspected that my ex husband had it.The stress when we went anywhere because he was socially awkward.He would take things very literally and didn't really understand jokes.I researched and spoke to lots of other people who had partners/husbands with it.He would do nothing about it or seek advice.After we had separated he was eventually diagnosed with it.Get some advice even if he won't is my best suggestion.Good luck !

ASD, autistic spectrum disorder comes in many forms and cannot be learned about by reading other than gaining general information. That is because everyone on the spectrum is different, just like everyone not on the spectrum is different.

There are so many different aspects and combinations so it does help to refer to Asperger Syndrome which has so many similarities across very many of those diagnosed.

To understand this better you really need to live with a person so diagnosed. No amount of reading can prepare you for the range of experiences that can be encountered.

Our son was finally correctly diagnoed when he was 40. He died this year at 53. From all that he told us and everything we learnt fitted with so much reading that I had done yet none of that prepared us for the swift and devastating changes he could display.

As well as being an Aspie everyone of them can fall victim to any of the medical illnesses the rest of us experience. And some conditions such as agoraphobia and OCD are quite common for them.

The human experience can categorise many people into different groups such as, say, blind, deaf, mute, diabetic and so on with all the groups including some of those on ASD.

I have a neice whose first born son is an Aspie (he is doing well and is talented in music) while her second and last is an ASD mute. This category is, as many will recognise, extremely difficult to live with and manage. Yet he is not alone so many families are in similar positions. There are special schools that can help but rarely 24/7 and at 18 the family has to find what help they can.

Do not let anyone tell you they know all about ASD/autism/asperger. Even if they have a family member so diagnosed the differences always leave something more to be learnt.

Learn as much as you can about the condition and how to live with someone with it. If he is not open to being helped the very least you deserve is to help yourself. There may be chatrooms on appropriate websites that might be an opening to offload as well as gain support - good luck

My partner has specific ASD traits. When we were first together and I realised this, he was hugely insulted. Over the years, he's accepted the idea and now, when he doesn't respond in a 'mainstream' way, he'll joke, 'I am on the spectrum, you know.'

I don't think us knowing about it has changed a lot for him, but it helped me accept him the way he is. I've had to be blunt at times and tell him he has to take specific actions because it is just the accepted thing to do. As long as I'm specific, he's usually happy to comply, which means we are both happy.

cassandra264 I understand what you’re saying about Aspergers being recognised as a ‘disability’. However before any help can be obtained it’s necessary to get a formal diagnosis. That’s like waiting for paint to dry on the NHS, which is why we’re now going down the private route. Interestingly, Chris Packham on his documentary about his Aspergers at one pint was in the USA. He was most disgruntled when one of the specialists there said he hoped for a cure. CP says it’s not something which needs to be cured - just slightly different ‘wiring’ in the brain

When my niece’s son was a baby and until he was six she did not know what was wrong with him. Doctor was not helpful.
They moved to Wales. Her husband is Welsh. It was there he was diagnosed with Asperger so they knew how to deal with him. He is now 25 holding a job and has a steady girl friend.
My nieces father was always the most awkward person and led my sister a terrible life and we now believe that he must have had Asperger and it was carried down to his grandson

My husband (Aspergers) brilliant mathematician, a very complex man..very difficult at times, lacked humour...died on March 1st..after 16 weeks of sudden cancer..he was so brave. Never underestimate how much you will miss them, I am in pieces. He could never show empathy or praise me. we were together 24 years and I really am grief stricken..cannot do all the finances he did effortlessly. It is so difficult to locate a trustworthy person to help me I have found. He was a superb driver..Rome, France anywhere, but I was forbidden to talk as he needed to concentrate, I was told. Gradually you both mould to the shapes you are...I miss him so very much. Never thought I would not be able to cope without him, but I have lost my rock and stability. The 'no change' attitude to our home really annoyed me, but I would give so much just for him to walk in the door.

Oh Babs49 your post is so eloquent.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
Do speak more on the Bereavement thread. It might help.

I'll bear your experience in mind. Thank you for sharing.

JuneRose and everyone - very interesting and informative exchange! I hope you can make it work, but you need to get your emotional needs covered elsewhere. For me it meant, after 23 years of marriage I had to throw in the towel. I lived with this man (who has many lovely qualities) in a foreign country (I come from Germany), with no family or close friends, and on top of that I was working with him. So isolated, so lonely. I tried hard, but in the end I had nightmares, I absolutely had to leave or I would have gone mad. I mean this literally. If I had known anything about Aspergers when I was younger, who knows things might have turned out differently.

Just to add, he was never diagnosed. But when a mutual friend (who later related this to me) talked to him about Aspergers in connection with her work, he became very thoughtful, and said 'you know, this could be me'. Alas, this was after we divorced.

For years I was led to believe (mainly by my MIL) that my family (siblings, mother may have been bipolar and father dyslexic) had a faulty gene. This was actually realised when we all started to have children. I have six brothers and me. My youngest son, daughter and nephew are dyslexic, a niece is deaf and another nephew is autistic. I had been diagnosed as dyslexic at university and my brother suspected he was because of his treatment at school. So I accepted these traits and never looked any further for answers.
However as the years went by I became aware that my eldest son is so like his father. Analysing my son he has always been hyper, never slept more then 4 hours in 24 from a baby and still doesn't and is a work alcoholic. My husband is the same; goes to bed at 3 am, always been a work alcoholic, does not like the idea of socialising but is popular at the party, never been wrong about anything and is very controlling. They are both very intelligent, top in everything, both kind and gentle but can drive you insane because of their insensitivity and lack of compassion. Both totally disorganised and thinks they knows everything; imagine the dinner conversations in this house.
So yes, I now do believe that both my husband and eldest son are Asperger's ,which has got more and more obvious the older they get. Not even sure what to do about it now. I have livid with this for 50 years but often wonder how my DIL is coping.

I first met other wives of men with AS on Mumsnet. There is a great website for “neurotypicals” married, or in a relationship with, partners with Aspergers (in USA they only use the terms ASD, or ASC. In UK Aspergers Syndrome is still used). www.different-together.co.uk
It was started by one of those wives I met on Mumsnet all those years ago. I recommend it to all of you still in relationships with men with AS, whether diagnosed or not. There’s so much advice and support on there.

Thank you all so much for your insights. Very much appreciated and very helpful. I will definitely look at the different together website Thirdinline.

When people would say to me 'oh we're all on the spectrum somewhere' it always crossed my mind it was being said by way of comfort because I'm the mum of a young man who is severely autistic (amongst other things). I didn't need any comfort but I'd just accept it (and I still do) as being well meant at a time when people really didn't know what autism was

Are we all on the spectrum somewhere? No. Most definitely not. But it is safe to say that we can have things going on that (wrongly) make it seem that way and its why people also refer to a person as being extreme NT.

As for Aspergers, HF, LF, Classic Kanners Autism now being termed ASD. Well, I'll only ever refer to my sons autism as Classic Kanners Autism just as I'll continue to refer to Aspergers and HFA. Ive actually lost count of the different terms people have been told to use over the years and one thing'ss for sure - it won't be long before someone thinks up another term and we're told ASD should now be referred to as .....................