Invited to my sister's and then told to go

I suggest you contact social services if your mother is still alive to find out what exactly is happening. They will be able to trace them (via nhs). Also, why put this post on after 18 months?

I agree with the others who said: Why didn't you ask there and then, what was going on?! Nothing is ever improved by going away and brooding. The 'Least said, soonest mended' generation have a lot to answer for. I think you should have said there and then - Have I done something to offend you? Only, (my sister) asked me over for a chat and we haven't had it yet... At least he would have had to say something.

I find the ‘not allowed’ to see your mum concerning. You’re an adult and have the right to see your own mother. It seems to me - and believe me, I know all about bullying behaviour - that your BIL is controlling and manipulating your sister. I’d do as a previous poster advised and contact your sister in a day or so to make sure she’s ok.

Seems to me Seastar that you are much happier without your nasty bullying BIL and sister... if my husband had spoken to my sister or a friend of mine in that manner after I'd invited her round, I'd damned well be the one calling him rude...how ignorant!.and she is just as bad sticking up for him.
What would worry me though is the lost contact with your Mum..you have a right to see her and know how she is...and it's abuse for them to control her like that.. they could be feeding her all sorts of lies.. if you had a normal relationship with your mother until the point that she went to live with them I would definitely get advice on how to find her..just to check she's ok if nothing else..other than that keep looking after yourself..and if that means without any sisterly contact so be it.. good luck.

You do all realise that this happened 18 months ago?

I would be inclined to contact adult social services to make sure my mum was ok. she may be living in misery. and tell him you never want to see him again!

I'm more concerned about you not being able to see your mother. Maybe she has been shielding but you could keep a long distance between you.
Very strange.
I would ask your sister to visit you or meet up somewhere.

While I appreciate this incident appears to be 18 months ago, I do think it raises safeguarding issues regarding your Mum and her finances....nobody, in my opinion has the right to block contact between yourself and your Mum.
In your shoes, I'd be speaking with Adult Social Care and asking for a welfare check.

My first thought was that 8.30 is very late to invite people round, especially if they have to be up early in the morning. Why have they stopped you seeing your mum? He sounds very much like a controlling person. Does your sister give you the impression that she's afraid of him? I only ask as you mention his "muscles".

I don't know your past circumstances and upsets with your sisters @seastar but if you were coping ok on your own you don't need to resurrect toxic relationships just because it's family. If you can see your sister on her own at a mutual place for a coffee maybe she will explain and if the situation is as it seems - that her husband is a moronic bully - then she needs to seek help to leave. If that is something she will not admit to or do then you must - must - stay out of it for your own health and safety. Hopefully health professionals can keep tabs on your mum.

Daddima. The post was posted today.
seastar Wed 08-Jul-20 04:50:56

There must be much, much more to this story than we have been told.

Sounds like your sister is in a toxic relationship. Totally unreasonable behaviour. Can’t you invite just your sister to yours without her husband being involved. She may need help getting free from this coercive bully.

Yes, Sharon, the post was today, but the events took place 18 months ago.

Dear seastar. The Sisterhood has rallied in your support. That is the nature of Gransnet.

But you have revealed in previous threads that you are suffering from depression (apparently for good reason) and are 'on maximum dose' of medication for it. This is going to affect your relationships, and your perception of them. Please, try to see the best in people.

Does mum have money? Where did she live before moving in with your sister? Did she own her own house? Do your DS and BiL have money problems or are they financially greedy? Where was your mum when you went to visit? Surely, unless it is a huge house, you would have expected to see her when you were there. Like others, I am also very concerned that this may be a domestic abuse issue. The fact that your sister apparently loves him, does not mean she is not afraid of him or his behaviour and now that mum is there it would be even harder for your sister to stand up to him. I do not know what the answer is, but I do know that you need to find a way of finding out how your mum is. They may well be telling her that it is you who doesn't want to see her and have cut her out of your life. By doing that, they could easily manipulate her into cutting you out of her will. I think you need advice from social services and from a really good solicitor specialising in family law. Keep in touch and let us know how you are.

This all happened well before lockdown. I haven't seen or heard from them now for 1 and a half years. I don't even know if mum is still alive .
This doesn’t make sense if you haven’t heard from any of them for a year and a half (18 months) how can it have happened well before lockdown which was four months ago a lot of difference between 4 months ago and 18 months ago

I m sorry Seastar but are you confused or just rewriting the original problem all over again !!!

If your mum is part of the picture then you have every right to contact Social Services to make a check on her welfare.

Don’t assume she’s OK being in a household with a controlling son in law.

Reading your second post seastar I’m concerned about your mother, losing her memory, so dementia, you think money’s the bottom of this as you say, then mention inheritance, is she getting the care she needs, you aren’t able to see her, does this poor lady see anyone! As a daughter who looked after one of my parents solely with Alzheimer’s, I’m very concerned about the above things you have said

I'm totally confused about all of this, I thought this was something that happened this week, now I'm not even sure if its this year!

It sounds as if you may have mental health problems which is nothing to be ashamed of (I have too), but it may be that you have a very different perception to your sister and her husband.

Do you have a CPN? If yes, maybe they could help you sort all this out? But also, does your relationship with your family work for you, or are they as you suggest toxic to you? If yes perhaps you should accept that you are better without these relationships.

Sorry but I’m getting very confused with this thread, so it all happened 18 months ago, I presumed as it was dated today , it happened just before lockdown, ru ok sea star

I do not know your ages but possibly some dementia is going on. I had a partner who was 9 years older and we were together for 7 years. once he hit his 80's his behavior became much more controlling. He would get very irritable when he wanted to leave a social gathering, he would pester and complain until it became so unpleasant we would leave. he never got physical but going out was not enjoyable any more.

Seastar This is a bit long so you might want to get a cuppa before you start reading!
I think the most important and urgent issue is whether your sister (and her children) is/are at risk. You must find out, either by asking her directly or by speaking, discretely, to family and friends. This is urgent.
Once you have this information you will have a clear idea of what action, if any, you should take.
I'm afraid I don't remember if I read any of your past posts but I get the impression from others on this thread that you have 'history' regarding your relationship with your sister. Nevertheless, given this upsetting behavior of your "sister's husband*", and regardless of any 'history' you have with your sister, her safety has to be your primary concern.
Whichever approach you use, hopefully your inquiries will prove, without a doubt, that there is no risk, no action needed, you can relax.
If, on the other hand, there's the even the slightest hint that your sister and any children are at risk, then you need a plan. You need to act quickly and you won't have time to be indecisive. It would be a really good idea to ask yourself these questions as soon as you can:

1. Would it be better to distance myself and pass the whole matter over to a more impartial person?

2. Would I be at risk if I were involved?

3. Can I deal with this on my own?

4. If I need advice/a second opinion/help who would I approach?

5. Should I consider approaching an organisation for assistance rather than a friend or family member?

6. Have I looked into any organisations who could either advise me or even take appropriate action?

If you can answer these questions now then you will be well prepared for your next steps and act immediately should it turn out that your "sisters husband*" is indeed an abusive a***hole.

I hope this helps a bit.

*I note with interest that you call him your "sister's husband" rather than brother-in-law. Would it be fair to suggest that you do not have a 'brotherly' relationship with him?

hello seastar, i've been wondering how you are.
i think we all on here are now concerned about your mother.
did you mean that your sister and BIL have kept you away from your mother, in order to influence her to cut you out of her will.
such things do happen unfortunately.
but apart from that there are still concerns regarding her welfare.
do you think she is getting the care she needs.
has she been seen/ assessed by GP, social worker etc.
could you talk to your GP about your concerns.
it doesn't sound right that you could not see her, or even know if she is still living.
when did you last see or speak to her.
please get back to us, people want to reach out to help if they can. all the very best to you. take care of yourself.

when did you last see or speak to her .
welbeck apparently eighteen months ago and seastar hasn’t seen anyone since and said she doesn’t know if her mum is still alive so it’s a bit strange to suddenly start wondering now I think the time to wonder was seventeen months ago