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Getting Married

(142 Posts)
janipans Wed 12-Aug-20 17:00:55

We've lived together for about 12 years and just have never got around to getting married. Covid made us sit up and think about the legal side of our relationship (especially as we have been shielding) so we decided to take the plunge and just "get it done" in a quick Registry office ceremony. Something for us to look forward to we thought!
We can only have 2 witnesses though or we would have to wait a further 12 months at least.
We decided it would be nice to have 1 of each of our children - mine agreed readily and quickly decided which of them would do it. My OH's children however have really soured it for us. They wanted us to get married at a later date so all their family could be present. We told them we fully intended to have a proper family celebration when Covid allowed and that this was just the legal bit but that wasn't acceptable to them and all this has left us feeling rather deflated. We just wanted them to be happy for us!
This is our day surely and our decision but we thought that by including them we were doing the right thing! What do you think? Are we being unreasonable?

MissAdventure Wed 12-Aug-20 17:09:15

I would just go and do it.
Just as I'm sure they would do what they wanted without pandering to others' preferences.

HAZBEEN Wed 12-Aug-20 17:11:17

Just do it without them! Do they always do what you want them to? It is your day so go for it.

Smileless2012 Wed 12-Aug-20 17:12:18

I agree with MissA. It doesn't matter if your decision is "acceptable to them", it's what's acceptable to you that matters.

Stick with your plans, have a great day and congratulationssmile.

BlueBelle Wed 12-Aug-20 17:12:59

First congratulations on your decision
You don’t say how many children you each have I have three and I can’t for a minute imagine having one with me and not the other two it just would not work at all, so I can really see your partners kids problem
You ve waited 12 years why not wait a wee bit longer and have them all there or have none of them at all then a big party as soon as you re able I personally think either of those situations would be better than the one you’re suggesting

Kamiso Wed 12-Aug-20 17:15:12

Just go and do it. Your relationship so your decision. Some people want to put their two pennyworth in when it’s not their business. They may well have found fault with whatever was decided.

Chewbacca Wed 12-Aug-20 17:31:36

Your wedding, your choice. I'm fairly sure that if you and your OH started to dictate their wedding plans, they'd be none too happy! So do what you want. And congratulations, I hope you have a wonderful day! 🍾🥂

MissAdventure Wed 12-Aug-20 17:37:19

It's just the formal bit, anyway.

midgey Wed 12-Aug-20 17:37:50

Just do it without any children at all! I bet you could rope in two random witnesses. That way no one can complain/whinge! And you will be happily married, congratulations!

sodapop Wed 12-Aug-20 18:00:18

We married with just two friends as witnesses. Children all said they were ok with this. Later some of them said they would have liked to be there and were a bit hurt by our decision. I think on reflection I would have asked them all.
It's your day janipans but I can understand why they could feel resentful.

Calendargirl Wed 12-Aug-20 18:05:21

midgey

Just do it without any children at all! I bet you could rope in two random witnesses. That way no one can complain/whinge! And you will be happily married, congratulations!

I tend to agree with this. Just have two unknown witnesses, a really quiet, strictly formal register office bit, then a celebration later on.
It’s a shame that no family can attend doing it this way, but just point out that this seems the only way to avoid upset.
It’s all right putting it off, but you don’t know what’s round the corner, if you’ve been shielding, you are obviously in a vulnerable category.

H1954 Wed 12-Aug-20 18:08:16

Your day, your way! Don't pussy-foot around them any longer! They should be being genuinely happy for you both rather than throwing a strop on how you want to do it. This is exactly one of the reasons that I would never get married to my OH! Doesn't stop us loving each other! Legal stuff is sorted too so why should we get married?!

welbeck Wed 12-Aug-20 18:10:03

you are doing this to formally recognise the relationship you have; what you mean to each other; that each is the most important person in the other's life.
anything can happen at any time.
re medical decisions, tax implications, etc.
do it asap.
do not have any family there. i'm sure you can drag in the man who sweeps the front steps and the woman polishing the banisters as witnesses.
that also represents the local community, the public realm, which is really what gives recognition to your union.
later on you can have any kind of celebration you want, with meaningful word, acknowledgement of family members etc.

BlueBelle Wed 12-Aug-20 18:11:59

Exactly it’s the having one and not the others that is the sticking point as I said before have none or have all having one will just cause bad feeling

vegansrock Wed 12-Aug-20 18:14:42

I can see both sides of this - a wedding is a family occasion and Id hate to miss one of my children’s or parent’s weddings. But it’s your choice at the end of the day- risk upsetting the children involved or put it off and hope the rules change. Could you get married in a different venue( non registry office) and be allowed more guests? Or is there a waiting list for that?

Chewbacca Wed 12-Aug-20 18:15:02

Or the eldest child from each partner? And then the family shindig when its safe to do so?

vegansrock Wed 12-Aug-20 18:16:54

Maybe elope to Scotland?

Starblaze Wed 12-Aug-20 18:18:13

If there is more than on child I can see why they might be upset having to possibly be the one/ones to miss this. That feels more like love than unreasonableness to me.

If it were me, especially as I have a lot of children and am used to juggling their individual needs and personalities (lol)... I would each have a close friend as witness and explain to all children that when you have the real celebration, you want them all equally involved and part of the day.

Madgran77 Wed 12-Aug-20 18:26:02

Do what you want to do, have the celebration event when it is possible and say to them you would love them to be there! Then it is up to them how they respond.

V3ra Wed 12-Aug-20 18:30:52

It's your legal marriage, no-one else's, and if it's what you've decided you want to do then carry on.

If your children have decided which one of them will attend I think you should honour that.

If his children can't or won't put forward a supporter that's their decision and you shouldn't be made to feel bad about it or change your plans. Does he have another relative that would step in?

The big party with everyone can happen later when it's allowed, but who knows when that will be?!

My mother-in-law and her second husband did the classic register-office-and-two-random-strangers then phoned us all afterwards.

Chewbacca Wed 12-Aug-20 18:36:28

That feels more like love than unreasonableness to me.

I don't see it like that, anymore than I would see an adult child wanting to have their wedding as they wish, not as their parents or family want it to be. When it's your wedding, you get to make the choices. And a loving, supportive family would want whatever the bride and groom want. Because it's their day.

yorkie20 Wed 12-Aug-20 18:38:16

We had both been married before and just went to the register office and had two strangers as witnesses.
Its what WE wanted ie no fuss and saved all the problems associated with families, travel, outfits etc etc

kittylester Wed 12-Aug-20 18:38:50

Its particularly difficult with yours having been sensible, isn't it?

Does your partner have a good friend who could be 'his' witness?

Starblaze Wed 12-Aug-20 19:03:39

My husband and I also had a small wedding, afterwards we changed children's birth certificates to be "children of the marriage" (he is their father). For us, our marriage was the final tie binding all of us together as a married family. My children being part of that was a priority for me. So I understand that the children here might feel the same way.

As things are, this is not possible so personally I would focus on fair and make it equal for all the children. My family, we created. I would feel the same for joining two families together. So would have special celebration later that's fair.

Ultimately, it's always "my wedding, my choice" but at least this is a situation where people just want to share the joy with you OP

Summerlove Wed 12-Aug-20 19:17:27

My mother remarried without any of her kids, or her partners kids. Just her best friend and husband.

I was hurt, but ultimately understood it was her wedding and her day.

Nothing was soured between us, but I do wish I’d been there