Gransnet forums

Relationships

late to bed unreasonable?

(59 Posts)
spabbygirl Mon 05-Oct-20 11:11:09

Is this unreasonable? I go to bed around 10.30-11 leaving my husband on the sofa ostensibly watching tv, but he usually dozes off and comes to bed around 1.30am. He doesn't drink and tries not to make a noise but I sleep with a side light on and very often he does wake me by accident. I'm tempted to go and sleep in the spare room, but he wouldn't like that. Am I being unreasonable? We've been married 12 years and I thought I'd got used to it by now but for some reason or another its just started to be a problem for me, I'd love to know what you all think

MawB2 Mon 05-Oct-20 11:12:56

My father was just like that!
Mum used to get so cross but he never changed.
Separate bedrooms is the answer and if he doesn’t like it, he knows what to do about it!

Ladyleftfieldlover Mon 05-Oct-20 11:16:33

We have had separate bedrooms for years. He snores like billyo and visits the loo several times a night. We share a room on holiday but with single beds and ear plugs.

spabbygirl Mon 05-Oct-20 11:20:22

I'm glad I'm not alone in finding it a pain!!! We have got a lovely new bed in the spare room so I'm going to make use of it, thanks Ladyleftfieldlover & MawB2

Gwenisgreat1 Mon 05-Oct-20 11:23:01

Separate bedrooms for us! I used to have a cough which had no time limits (its better now) but DH has taken over. We settle down at similar times, but I'm the one who can be restless, so holidays it's either twin beds or a very large double

Jaxjacky Mon 05-Oct-20 11:43:24

My husband used to do this, but age caught up with him, both go up between 10 and 11 now. I used to stir, but go back to sleep.

Teetime Mon 05-Oct-20 12:06:44

We have a routine. I go to bed at 9.30 to 10 depending on what kind of a day I have had with back pain. DH come along about 45 minutes later, we both read and go off to sleep at the same time. We read in the mornings drinking lemon tea which DH has made and then a have a little doze/chat/listen to Classic FM/News and get up around 8 to 8.30. Took us years to get this right but now this suits us both. Couldn't bear separate bedrooms I would keep popping in for a chat.

Illte Mon 05-Oct-20 12:15:53

Well it's not unreasonable for him to want to go to bed later.

My OH goes at around 10. 30 and I really have tried going to bed at the same time but all that happens is that I lay there until about 12.30 when I give up and go diwnstairs until about 3.00.

If I go at 12.00 I go straight to sleep and sleep undisturbed till 8.00.

He on the other hand wakes up two or three times a night.

Fortunately I don't disturb him and he doesn't disturb me if we just stick to what suits us 😁 I'd be sad not to have him next to me.

Puzzled Mon 05-Oct-20 15:49:14

Have always tended to be a night owl, but now try to go up with OH.
If I am later, try to be as quiet as possible, and not disturb.
Ditto for OH who is an early riser, but we breakfast together.
So try be as quiet and considerate as possible is my advice.

ValerieF Mon 05-Oct-20 19:46:26

I just think whatever works for you both is fine! No hard and fast rules. The problem is if your husband feels upset if you have separate rooms? What is upsetting you the most? That he stays up until 1.30 when he could be in bed? Or that he disturbs you when he comes to bed?

Talk it through. Should be a compromise there somewhere. I wouldn't like to give up MY bed to go in the spare room so if it came to it I would ask him to do so grin

Actually much same, I am definitely a morning person and hubby a night owl but I don't actually hear him coming to bed so not same problem.

seacliff Mon 05-Oct-20 20:48:34

I went in the spare room after I broke my wrist, and was in pain and tossing and turning all night. It was never meant to be permanent but must admit I love it now, such freedom to read if I wake at night etc.. We occasionally go to bed an hour apart, and if I'm first up, it doesn't wake me when he comes up. It would if we were in the same room.

Only you know how much the current situation bothers you. Have you actually told him that you're considering a move, because of this? Maybe he'd try coming up with you, if he knew it really disturbed your sleep? And understood the alternative was separate rooms.

Davidhs Tue 06-Oct-20 07:04:28

Definitely the spare room, if he is dozing on the sofa he can come to bed with you. Waking a wife up coming to bed late is a really bad idea.

Georgesgran Tue 06-Oct-20 09:21:33

I’m in the spare room too - started when DH began a 5th course of chemo which coincided with lockdown and shortly after 2 bouts of Sepsis.

I’ve always been a night owl and he a lark - so he goes to bed between 10 and 11, but is up 6 or 7 times for the loo. I head upstairs between 2 and 3am.
He’s up and about for 7.30 and I’m half an hour behind. He’s always cold, so has used the 13tog duvet all year, whereas I’m always hot and still using the 4.5tog.

Separate bedrooms suit us just fine.

Merryweather Tue 06-Oct-20 09:22:33

I'm in bed by 9, sometimes even asleep by then. My partner will come up around 11, sometimes reads etc before sleep. He always wakes me - not on purpose, I hate it when he's not here. I wake up and panic!. Usually after I've mustered a load of drivel I can roll over and sleep, sometimes I'm wide awake and that's it for the night, sometimes I read for a while.
He only snores if he has a cold and generally doesn't disturb me otherwise. The children on the other hand........

Jaibee12 Tue 06-Oct-20 09:26:03

I love having my own bedroom. Started when we both worked. Hubster did shift work and I was 9-5. Also he snored and is still a restless sleeper. Our two chihuahuas sleep on my bed too. Works great for us, we’re both happy with the situation. Just give it a try, have a sit in bed together with a cup of tea in the morning and have a chat then, see how it goes. Explain that you find it difficult with keeping different hours. At the end of the day you don’t have to make yourself uncomfortable to please someone else, it’s all about compromise.

Shropshirelass Tue 06-Oct-20 09:29:26

My Mom used to go to bed earlier than my Dad then he used to come to bed and do his crosswords in the paper! Mom didn't mind though and wishes he was still here doing his crosswords in bed.

I sleep in my own room now due to my DH long list of illnesses, he feels cold so have big thick duvets and I have thin ones as I don't feel cold. Also have my window open for the fresh north wind. It works for us. I love my own space.

Xrgran Tue 06-Oct-20 09:29:49

My partner comes to bed at 4 sometimes he works in the studio until then. I sleep in a separate room as I usually wake a couple of times a night and get to to go to the loo.

Petalpop Tue 06-Oct-20 09:36:02

Separate bedrooms for us. I go to bed around 10 he sits up until about midnight. When we were in the same bed I would wake as soon as he bumped around the room getting ready for bed. As soon as his head hit the pillow he was asleep and his snoring would start and I would just get more and more wound up and then would be awake on and off all night. Now we are in separate rooms I sleep like a log. Heaven.

NanaPlenty Tue 06-Oct-20 09:38:49

I do think sleep quality is better on your own. In some ways I miss being in together but my husband has become so fidgety at night it really affected my sleep pattern. He sometimes comes in with me to start with but gets out again when I’ve gone to sleep and that’s quite nice. I wish we could still go to sleep together but we just can’t.

Candy6 Tue 06-Oct-20 09:51:52

I had my own room for a number of months and loved it but it did start to affect our marriage so I went back. It was sort of too separate somehow. I did enjoy it though. Problem is I allowed our dogs in with me and now I’m back he has to put up with them too. Not ideal but they’re used to it now. My hubby goes to bed early as he has a physical job and gets very tired. I don’t mind this as I then have my own time to watch what I want on tv before going up. I know lots of couples go to bed at the same time and I’ve wondered if we should do this but never have. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Kartush Tue 06-Oct-20 09:53:52

I would not be able to sleep if my husband wasnt snoring beside me, and believe me he does snore.
We head to bed around midnight, he falls straight asleep but i read or watch netflix until around 2 ish. He has to get up every hour because of medication, sometimes he wakes me up getting back in bed but its not enough to make me want separate rooms.

Sheilasue Tue 06-Oct-20 09:55:29

My h has chronic arthritis in his knee awaiting to see specialist had 3 appointments cancelled understandably with the situation as it is.
I am sleeping in the spare room because he goes to the loo 3 times in the night and his in pain so he can sleep in if he has a bad night and I get a good nights sleep.
It works for us.

polnan Tue 06-Oct-20 09:57:56

oh gosh, I was brought up that it was the done thing to sleep in the same bed... so I suffered pangs when I decided to sleep in the other bedroom, mostly because I was up and down during the night.. etc.

so I did,, I could often creep back into the big bed (lol) when I wanted a cuddle, but got used to more and more sleeping on my own.

what made me feel better about it, was that our youngest ds and dil had always slept in separate beds, ... so gradually I stopped feeling guilty!

now dh has died recently, I have found that it has helped with part of the grieving process... how strange am I!
Hope you do what is good for you spabbygirl.

valerieventers Tue 06-Oct-20 10:02:39

Separate bedrooms are a luxury, if it is good enough for the Queen, it is good enough for us and our sanity. Sleep is essential for a strong, healthy immune system.

ayse Tue 06-Oct-20 10:05:42

My DH and I have totally different body clocks. I go to bed about 9.00 pm and sleep 10.00-10.30. He goes to bed sometime between 1.00 am and sometimes as late as 4.30 am (and disturbs me sometimes). I wear earplugs and usually sleep through his going to bed. He generally wakes up about 10.00 - 11.00 am. Conversely I get up earlyish and get lots of stuff done.

I gave up trying to get him to go to bed earlier. He’s cut down on his alcohol intake and his snoring is much less than it used to be. We manage pretty well now but if he was continually disturbing me I would get him to sleep elsewhere, not me.