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Why does partner want trial separation

(104 Posts)
Mambypamby Wed 04-Nov-20 18:01:16

My live in partner of two and a half years has decided he doesn't know what he wants and wants a trial separation over lockdown so he can decide if he wants to be with me. I am feeling deflated and discarded- is this a gentle let down? He says there's nobody else, he doesn't know why he feels like this but he wants to see his adult kids more (they live in the matrimonial home). None of it makes sense. I want to just call it a day because I can't cope with uncertainty

Nonogran Wed 04-Nov-20 18:12:09

Hello Mamby, I reckon, like a lot of blokes, he's too weak to tell the truth and basically wants out. He's using lockdown as an excuse. Let him go! Make sure that he doesn't yo-yo back & forth and in doing so, uses you. That'll be the hard bit if you still want him in your life, albeit living apart.
Don't waste too much of your life on him. Stay strong and move on.

Smileless2012 Wed 04-Nov-20 18:16:06

From what you've posted Mambypamby I agree that it doesn't make sense. You say his children are adults so if they want to see their dad, why should the fact they live in the matrimonial home prevent him from seeing them more often?

Perhaps a trial separation may be something that would benefit you both, I say this because you've posted you "want to just call it a day because (you) can't cope with uncertainty". Could your feelings for him not be as deep as you once thought?

Have you told him how his need for a trial separation has made you feel? If not I think he needs to know. I hope things work out for youflowers.

sodapop Wed 04-Nov-20 18:17:31

Is this totally out of the blue Mambypamby or have you been having some problems ?
The lockdowns and C19 situation have been stressing people and this may be part of the problem. I would get a clearer idea of what is happening with him and set some time scales for when you can talk things through. It's not fair to keep you hanging on.
I'm sorry this has happened and hope you can sort things out.

Mambypamby Wed 04-Nov-20 18:21:21

Thanks for responding Nono and Smile - I had thought the same and was ready to say just go if you're going but then two hours later he was paying me attention and hugging me. What is all this? It's teenage behaviour and I am confused. I still don't know if he's going or not and I've tried talking to him he just says he doesn't know - he said I started it by being aloof! I don't want to be left hollow, exploited and alone and if he's wasting my time he may as well go. When I said this to him he said he hasn't gone yet!

Mambypamby Wed 04-Nov-20 18:24:25

Thanks Soda. There have been some cross words between us as he can be selfish but that's never a deal breaker for me, simply time to talk. It seems as if he's saying if it doesn't go his way and he is challenged in any way he's off. I feel so foolish and abused for allowing him so readily into my life.

Grandmafrench Wed 04-Nov-20 18:29:13

The fact that he even suggested a "trial separation during lockdown" and this came out of the blue to you, would make me agree to his suggestion and be quick to help him on his way. You have said that this is teenage behaviour - he actually sounds quite cruel in his recent behaviour. Unless you have other problems between you which haven't been discussed or resolved, and unless you have problems with his adult children, it does sound as if he is just playing with your feelings. A lockdown separation may be just the thing you need - and he will either come to his senses or stay away. Either way, you need to know and not waste your life on someone who does sound very immature and fickle......and not very convincing. Sorry. Will possibly be hard to do but you do need some respect and to hold on to your self-esteem. Good luck!

Nonogran Wed 04-Nov-20 18:32:41

Mamby, the writing is on the wall! You make the decision for him & tell him to go. He's cracked the pot which will be hard to mend again.
You're in a very emotionally draining situation. I think you know what you need to do.

EUMAGIRL Wed 04-Nov-20 18:36:59

Gosh I really feel for you - this is a no win situation for you in many ways. Sounds like there might be some manipulation in his attitude as he's now claiming he wants a trial separation because you've been aloof. For most of us, there would need to be a lot more than just being aloof for us to leave our partners.

I feel the reality is that he does want out, unless he's able to treat you just as he likes with no comeback from you. Do you really want to devote your time to someone who does this to you and makes you feel unwanted. I think you should value yourself more than this - you are your own person and don't need an unhappy relationship to drag you down.
So self respect, speak to your friends and family and let them give you lots of support and allow this chap to go if he wants to, as I'm not sure he's worth holding onto just on his terms. Be happy!

BlueBelle Wed 04-Nov-20 18:42:15

Do you really want to keep someone who doesn’t ‘know if he wants to be with you’ I d tell him a separation (not sure about trial) is a great idea, bye bye and close the door on the way out.

Chewbacca Wed 04-Nov-20 18:47:45

I'm afraid that I agree with others; he's rattling to get out. But I think he's hedging his bets by saying that he wants to use the 4 week lockdown as a trial separation. That way he has room to change his mind if he wants to whilst you, in the meantime, are left dangling and wondering where you stand. Personally, I'd be making the decision for him now.

cornishpatsy Wed 04-Nov-20 18:49:19

I am sorry, that is awful for you.

I have never understood trial separations to me it just seems the person leaving just wants to keep their options open incase the grass is not greener.

Mambypamby Wed 04-Nov-20 18:57:00

Wow, thanks everyone for posting what I am truly feeling- it seems I have read it right, I am not seeing into things. Next time he suggests it, there's the door

Glow Wed 04-Nov-20 19:04:49

Want to just say I hope you find the strength to just let him go and rebuild a life with you being number 1 and him being the weak person he must be.
MEN .....More trouble than they are worth

FarNorth Wed 04-Nov-20 19:15:57

Don't wait for him to suggest it - let him know you think it's a great idea.

To me, it sounds like he's being affectionate because he feels more relaxed after saying what he did and giving you the impression he might stay if only you weren't so xyz (whatever he doesn't like).

Hithere Wed 04-Nov-20 19:28:10

Tell him he has x amount of time to move out .

He is having his cake now and eat it too

Fuchsiarose Wed 04-Nov-20 19:38:22

Were you his rebound person.? Many men just replace after marriage breakdown, or being widowed. Us females grieve. If it was me, I would put on gloria gaynor's and change the locks. Then go Bridget, and get a bottle of wine. Never wait by the phone for a man , my gran told me, and she was right. Get on with your life

silverlining48 Wed 04-Nov-20 19:40:14

I knew a really nice woman whose husband left her with their two young children, but he kept returning, very affectionate, telling her how much he cared, wanting to return, this despite him having a new partner. This upset her and the children a lot and went on for over 5 years. He kept her on a string which stopped her finding someone for herself. Basically he loved the idea of two women who both wanted him.

Oopsadaisy4 Wed 04-Nov-20 19:43:36

I’m afraid that it’s exactly that, a gentle let down with a hug, just in case he decides to stay after all.
Take your keys off of him and make him take all his stuff ,otherwise you will be tempted to let him back in.
Sorry though, some men can’t see a good thing if it bites them on the nose.

NfkDumpling Wed 04-Nov-20 19:49:12

Has he said where he's intending to live during this trial separation? If he wants to see more of his adult children, who're still living with their mum, is he intending to move back in with them? If his kids are welcome in your home then it all sounds rather suspicious, and sounds as if he wants to go back to his wife.

FarNorth Wed 04-Nov-20 20:06:01

Who cares where he'll be going, as long as he goes.

Jaxjacky Wed 04-Nov-20 20:35:10

Irrespective of his now affection, take control, so it’s with you, but no going back, bye bye.

Susan56 Wed 04-Nov-20 20:46:30

Agree with others.Make it your decision not his.He thinks he is in charge but you are in charge of your life💪🏼

Bluebellwould Wed 04-Nov-20 21:15:53

I’m sorry you are in this impossible situation. People can be very manipulative without you being aware of what is going on. Do you think he might have said about a trial separation in order to purely manipulate you into being worried and then grateful and forgiving when he decides to stay. Isn’t there a saying ‘treat them mean to keep them keen’. Does he think you will be more tolerant of his behaviour now and you will allow him more leeway in order to get him to stay.
Does he have time and opportunity to be involved with someone else? I think it really depends on how much you love him and trust him.
You might get satisfaction from making him go first but will it be a case of cutting your nose off to spite your face.
The trouble with horrible situations like this is your emotions get in the way with making a logical and good choice.
My answer would be to go with your gut feeling. I’ve always found that the instant knee jerk reaction that you have is usually correct in the long term.
I wish you well and let us know what happens please.

trustgone4sure Thu 05-Nov-20 09:55:14

You are spot on Nonogran.
Take the advice Mambypamby.