Why does partner want trial separation

Hi Bluebellwould my gut feeling is that he is pushing me to the edge of the cliff of my feeling I might "lose" him then pulls me back hoping I will be relieved and rethink what I will accept. At the moment he appears to have taken on what I've said about his recent self-absorbed behaviour and he is taking more of an interest like the "old times" but at the back of my mind is always his willingness to throw in the towel. He said he has no interest in anyone else, not even the ex who did the dirty on him. He said at the time that he would move in with his recently widowed father. This was on Monday. Now it's as if none of it happened. I am drained and a little numb. He said the whole covid and lockdown situation is getting to him as we are trapped indoors without being able to visit his beloved music venues. He also said he felt a little isolated - we are not exactly out in the wilderness, and a short drive into busy towns and central areas

Your situation reminds me of the song 'I need a little time' by the Beautiful South.
It looks like you've made your decision.
I think it's the right one, the last thing you need during lockdown is to be worrying about HIM.
All the best

Sorry - cross posted Mamby.

Let him go good riddance as life is difficult enough for us now look after yourself.

A word of hope. 2 years ago my DH said he wanted to see more of his family who live in another part of the country. My private thought was if I didn’t agree he would be unhappy to stay with me so I said yes. So he went and I was privately devastated. It took me a while to come to terms with it. We remained in contact every day and he visited when he could, COVID permitting. Last week he asked me if he could come home and without a doubt, I said yes.

Sometimes those dear to us want to make changes for themselves. I can’t remember where I read it but it said ‘if you love someone, let them go”.

Wishing you all the best for the future, whatever it holds.

It may well be true that lockdown is affecting him and he's feeling he needs to do something, yet most things he wants to do are out of the question, so he's come up with the idea of moving out.

Only you can know if that shows you'd be better without him or if it was a temporary blip.

If you now feel you're doing a kind of balancing act, in hopes he won't leave, that's not good.

I agree with the sentiment of letting him go but initially the shock of what he was saying wasn't sinking in so I kept trying to understand it. Suffice to say after some thought I have got used to the idea. I have said to him that he needs to do what he needs to do, and if he decides if he wants a trial separation I am going to say no trial, go now and get your things out within 48 hours. But he hasn't even mentioned it and he's on his best behaviour. So odd. I do agree FarNorth that he just couldn't come up with anything else. Bizarre. I think my initial response shocked him - he thought I'd try to persuade him not to go, instead of my cool and collected one.

By the way, I am a mother of (grown up in their thirties) sons so I actually do believe that I have too much empathy, borne from the years of trying to understand and support them as a divorced parent!

I wish Nonogran had been around for me when I needed her advice !

Mamby, what's happening to you is similar to my friend's experience. She thought they were happily married.
My friend's husband wanted to separate and said there was no one else involved. Technically that was true, he hadn't started an affair but certainly had his eye on someone else. Her kept reassuring her that he still loved her and couldn't imagine not having her in his life as a friend.
Actually, all he was doing was keeping her dangling until he'd found someone else. He didn't want to burn his boats with her until he'd found a new partner.
They are divorced now and after much heartache, she's glad he's gone.

Let's face it, after two and a half years, the enjoyable honeymoon phase is well and truly over. It's time to decide if the everyday life is really worth sacrificing independence for.

He, obviously, has major doubts that it is - so wave him goodbye!

I would help him pack, wave a cheery goodbye then change the locks.

Sorry,I was waiting for the "it's not you it's me" to come out.
In my experience, there is no such thing as a gentle let down !
It may just be that the lockdown has made him see his life differently and he may end up taking a completely different path to one he has usually had be it job, home and sadly you.
He may also be feeling depressed so I think maybe he either needs to contact his GP or be put in contact with one of the support groups - he should be able to get advice from his GP or practice nurse or maybe even 111.
Sadly you either will need to sit back and wait or decide just what you want to do for yourself.

Mambypamby

My live in partner of two and a half years has decided he doesn't know what he wants and wants a trial separation over lockdown so he can decide if he wants to be with me. I am feeling deflated and discarded- is this a gentle let down? He says there's nobody else, he doesn't know why he feels like this but he wants to see his adult kids more (they live in the matrimonial home). None of it makes sense. I want to just call it a day because I can't cope with uncertainty

‘Hit the road Jack’

He is trying to let you down gently, so however much it hurts, help him on his way...... you are worth so much more.

It sound like he’s going back to his wife I’m afraid

Posters - please read the full thread!
OP has updated - it seems that her partner has had a change of mind, probably due to the fact that she didn't wrap and wail and beg him to stay.
(Well done Mamby!)

There is a fairly modern saying that pretty much 'says it all'.

"He's just not into you".

Don't waste your time or lose your dignity. You are worth so much more.

Weep. Not wrap.
Wrap and wail - very festive

Mambypamby I truly feel for you. It's not nice when someone is deciding whether to choose you or another life. I suspect that you already know what you should do, but you asked for thoughts so here are mine.

Just a thought, but is it just the AC who he wants to see more of or is the Ex still available? To be honest I would tell him that having given it a lot of thought you agree that he is right and that separation is a good idea. Show him the door and once he's gone through it arrange to have the locks changed! Having done that get on with your life and I hope you will find someone who will treat you properly. Good luck.

I give up!

Tell him to go. Then put all his clothes in bin liners/ garden sacks and leave them outside in the garden and then text him to come and collect his stuff. Do not open the door when he returns to get his goods. Call a lock smith to come and change the front door lock ASAP. Act decisively.

I think your attitude may tell us a lot. You aren’t bothered about the relationship just the uncertainty. He may well have sensed that and decided to see how things were by suggesting trial instead of permanent.
Having given him his answer you have just confirmed you aren’t committed to the relationship so should probably quit while ahead and he has a chance of future happiness with someone who does want him.
I realise he started this but your answers to him and grans on here say more about you than him. Cut him loose for both your sakes.

Quote 'he doesn't know what he wants' that would be enough for me to set alarm bells ringing .So what after two years will he won't he want to come back?
On yer bike mate would be my answer .

When you and he are obviously in a painful and confused emotional place, its hard to make clear well founded choices. Its important for you both and it strikes me that it is a good moment to find an independent insightful person to listen to you both, and help you make your decision (either way) from a more reflective place - this is a big step for you both. I don't know if Relate is still working but on line - but somewhere I expect you could find a relationship counsellor to work with you both. And you could do with support yourself, even if he doesn't feel able to go down that route. I hope you will consider this and whatever you do, I wish you well.