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I’ll try not to write a whole book, but I don’t want to leave any details out
I’m in my mid-fifties, my partner of 4 years is early 60s.
We met on-line, we don’t live together. He was widowed and left with 5 children 20 years ago. He’s had more tragedies in his life - his 21 year old daughter died, then a few years later his 18 year old son was left badly brain damaged in a car crash.
Through all this he had a platonic woman friend who supported him. They are still very close, phone every day, text repeatedly all day. I have grudgingly accepted this.
When we became exclusive we agreed to delete all online dating accounts, which I did. I later found out he hadn’t.
He then deleted them in front of me and I thought everything was going well.
However, last week I noticed a notification for a sex site pop up on his phone screen. I snooped in his phone.
He has made accounts on many hook-up sites. He has saved hundreds of explicit photos to his phone. He has messaged to arrange meetups.
But worse, there are 100s of photos of his “friend” - fully clothed, normal photos. There are none of me.
I confronted him. He said it’s research into scam sites. He said he’s sorry.
I am devastated - I had 2 abusive marriages previously. I thought he was different.
How Can I possibly carry on with this now?
You’re right it will be very hard, but he will try to pull you back in, because he has never had it so good, just enough commitment to keep you in line, whilst he lives a separate life.
Better to find out now than after he has moved himself into your home.
You were never exclusive, he has been feeding you a line for 4 years. Please end this now, say goodbye to his family.
A toast, to moving forward!
Be very careful though you will be at your most vulnerable now and he will know exactly what to say and what strings to pull “of course I love you darling” “I thought I had deleted them can’t understand why they re still there” “Shes just a friend why are you so jealous” “it’s you out of order not me why can’t you trust me” “how can you do this to me” “how can you throw this away. We’ve got such a special relationship ”
Thankfully you ve got you own house so just block him if he’s got keys change the locks and enjoy your life and your yfamily in your own right fill your life without looking for another man
BlueBelle
Yes I’ve had that “I thought I’d deleted it”
He said “I’m sorry that I’ve insulted you” not “I’m sorry I joined up to Sex hookup sites and arranged meetups”
No wonder the other woman just wants to stay 'platonic'! Cancel your holidays and book to go away with a singles group and say your goodbyes to his family and tell them you no longer can continue in a relationship with this man.
I'm so very sorry to read this Jac64, what a terrible end to a terrible year. It reminds me of my friend at work who confided in me she'd just discovered her husband of two weeks had a new baby by his ex girlfriend. It is unbelievably shocking that anyone can treat you so badly. I hope you can find the strength to say goodbye, good luck.
I wouldn't waste another minute of my life on him. Dump him and don't listen to the excuses. Scam research? It's an insult to your intelligence.
Research into scam sites? Is he a journalist? Writing a book? Does he think you are stupid? Obviously he thinks you are gullible if you fall for any of that.
He has a long term close friend who supports him emotionally.
He stayed on dating sites until caught.
He actively pursues porn and is arranging for sex with other women.
You know what you need to do. Don't walk - run. You will never understand him and for your own sanity shouldn't even try. You are mourning the man you thought he was, not the actual man he is. Block him on every channel. Stay strong and tell your family why you have blocked him so they don't become inadvertent 'flying monkeys,' as MN would say. I'm sorry that this has happened to you and it has rocked your world. You will get over it though. ?
Once a liar......
better get a full check-up too.
Unfortunately, most men of this age group that are single, are single for a reason. There are proportionally so many more single woman, an older man only needs a pulse to find women interested. They are invariably no hopers (as in, no hope of being able to maintain a normal relationship).
I'm a v similar age to you and I've accepted I'll be on my own for life now. It's much better than trying to maintain a relationship with some ageing loser. There is so much more to life.
Get out while your still sane.
It looks like you'd like him to be exclusive to you but he still wants to play the field. This is not true compatability is it? I'd end it now. It's difficult but you're being used and that's not good.
Just say, 'this isn't working for me and it's goodbye', then walk away with your dignity and self-respect. Sorry it's been like this for you.
I would be repulsed by this sleazy liar so that would make it easier to cut all contact. Good luck
So it’s unanimous on here, which for a Gransnet thread is quite unusual!
I would put money on not a single person saying that maybe he should be given a second chance.
You have had a lucky escape, but I would like to emphasise the point that he will try to do everything he can to reel you in once more.
Stay strong.
Don't let your own commitment and involvement in a life together stand in the way of showing him the door. You'll regret it forever if you don't. Difficult to find any disagreement amongst all the kind advice you've been given. It's probably 100% 'get out now'
You have your own home, he needs to leave it. Forget about arrangements, children, holidays etc., all that is just procrastination and leaves the door open for him to think he'll talk you round. It's also Christmas.....there, another reason for delay?
You need to quickly rip off the plaster, plan the rest of your life and start feeling good about yourself again.
Don't you honestly feel you deserve it? We all do!
Good luck and, to him, good riddance.
Two words - Ditch him!"
The thought of a bloke his age 'playing the field'. Pathetic. Urgh
Many men look at porn but it doesn't necessarily mean anything. I'd be more concerned about the hookups he's been arranging and the dishonesty. It must hard but you need to think of yourself. If you've already endured 2 abusive marriages why subject yourself to more anguish and heartache?
Why would you want to carry on? He's broken any trust you may have had. A relationship without trust is no relationship. Can him, and quick.
His behaviour has upset you. He has no respect for you given his actions. Should be clear what you should do ie get out of relationship.
Dump him. He’s not worth any effort from you. Real weirdo
Don’t waste any more time on him, if you feel the need to keep checking up on him clearly you don’t trust him. I’ve been there hoping all will work out but it never does. Move on and create a new chapter in your life. It will be hard but at least you’ll have peace of mind, rather than wondering whether a day will come and he’ll walk away. Lots of women out there in their 60’s myself included are having to start again you’re not alone. Good luck.
Someone very close to me found the same sort of stuff on her husband's phone two years ago. Despite have two young children she kicked him out. Since then she's found it was the tip of the iceberg. He was not the decent man she thought
she'd married. Your man doesn't deserve you.
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