Arranged marriage and no chance to do anything

ExD
I lived an ex communist country for 5 years so I know quite a bit their culture and thinking.
The Berlin Wall only came down in 1989. These counties didn't /don't have black/ Asian communities as we do.
They would know nothing of these cultures.

I had a Pakistani boyfriend for a short time in the 60 s who called himself John. I never knew his real name or met any of his friends or family.
He seemed to think white girls were free and easy, I wasn’t, hence the short relationship.
You are young Sash, you have a lot of time and will meet someone special, there is no rush. Enjoy your youth, it is a gift. Be happy. You will be fine.

ExD thank you. No, I don’t know at all who is here. Now I know and I noticed and understood the website name . Well, i don’t care, it’s good to read all your messages.

I didn’t know there is so much difference between the UK and Poland. Maybe there was just something wrong with him. I’m not sure in Ukraine men do this. I understand more when woman can say that but not a man. And I don’t know everything about UK culture although I lived there, I wasn’t so close to British people.

Thank you!)

When living abroad, some people adopt other customs.
In my Erasmus year, some people remained true to their cultural values and others just went nuts - drinking, gambling, eating food not allowed by their religion, stopped praying, etc

It may be hard to grasp the culture in some cases

I also observed it in married couples - they follow western values but if their parents visit them - back to their old traditional ways

It’s very sad, but unfortunately....this is how it is in their culture. It’s a shame really, that he didn’t explain this to you at the beginning of your relationship. In fact, there shouldn’t have been a relationship at all.
The only way you could be together, is for him to completely turn his back on his family, and then he’d be ostracised, for good, no going back. It’s a big ask. My son had a friend who dates all kinds of girls, but he’s Greek, so ultimately, he’ll have to marry a Greek girl to stay in the family.
It seems heartless to us, but it must work somewhere. I wonder if they have more or less relationships break down. I would try to move on. Next time, make sure he has no family expectations. All the best.

silverlining48 Also, after this message I’m thinking that maybe he thought the same about me. And feel worse as I start thinking he’s bad and I was so wrong. But everything seemed real. And from the beginning till now he was telling me how good girl I’m, the best and not like some girls at all... that he will regret but can’t do anything. and if he tried to tell his mom that I’m the best and he wants to be with me, probably it is really like that. Just sad that he doesn’t want to stand for it. But I should know their culture. Now I’m afraid to meet someone from another country.

This is so very sad for you both.

He should have told you at the start that his family expected him to make an arranged marriage.

For the sake of your own self-respect, don't phone or text him anymore.

Allow yourself to be sad for a day or two, and then get on with things.

This man is not going to come back to you . You have been unfortunate in your first real love. Most of us were. There are other good men out there.

Sash
All the young women I knew when I lived in Bulgaria wanted to marry an Englishman ?

Oh Sash you've stepped into a really intransigent set of customs. Not all Pakistani families are like this, by the way, but you've been unlucky. You are best off walking away. Don't try to offer a compromise, such as carrying on meeting secretly - or the next thing you know you drift into being his mistress - all the benefit for him, none for you.
That sounds harsh and I'm sure your nice boyfriend wouldn't dream of seeing your relationship that way but it's not worth throwing away your life on a twilight relationship. Walk away before the hurt gets worse.

Thank you, grandtanteJE65. Yes, I understand I shouldn’t contact anymore as I’ve done everything. And unfortunately he didn’t tell me. But I think he hoped everything could be fine with us. But it can’t be. And so unexpectedly for me.

I think it happens even in Ukraine. That they want European. But I felt like I had nothing common with them. And now I see I have even less common with Pakistani culture. And maybe all Islamic countries.

Oh dear, many many people marry people from other countries and live happily together.
Give yourself several months to heal, then when you feel stronger (and this dreadful pandemic has eased) you can start going out and enjoying yourself again. You've had a very unfortunate experience which has damaged you emotionally, but please don't go actively looking for a new boyfriend. You will meet someone eventually who can be a friend first and doesn't feel the need to tell you you're "good girl" which I find quite creepy.
You don't say what his religion actually is - was it Islam? Aren't they allowed multiple wives? (correct me if I'm wrong).

ExD He is Muslim , yes. And they allowed 4. But of course it won’t happen to me. And good that at least I didn’t meet person who would promise me something marry and then has 1-3 more wives.
I understand it’s not good to look for someone now and better to be happy alone first. And would be silly to meet guys and just discuss about my past . And even more difficult to find someone you can love. I can’t know when it will happen.

Sash
Did your 'ex' boyfriend grow up in Saudi? If he did his family probably practice the most conservative form of Islam:
Wahhabism. Read up on this form of Islam and you will realise that you had a lucky escape.

petra yes , he grew up in Saudi, lived maybe 3 years in Pakistan in some periods of time. But he had very positive thoughts about everything. And I already felt that Islam is good (in Ukraine people don’t like Muslim man much and think that women is nothing in Islam). But what he was saying and showing was respect, calmness, love etc. and never said a bad word or shouted. So I was thinking it’s because of his religion. But his parents are too unusual for me and I can’t support this. And probably most people are like that. And he told me that Pakistani culture is like this and he doesn’t like it. That Saudi is better. How they behave , it is Pakistani.
Okay, I’ll read about that.

I'm so sorry to hear about your broken relationship Sash and agree with Toadinthehole that this young man should never have entered into a relationship with you to begin with.

Give yourself the time you need to heal and when you do, you'll see that there's still a wonderful life ahead for you.

Smileless2012 Thank you .

Sash my story was about 55 years ago. Things were different then. There is an old expression which is, you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you meet the handsome prince.
You have plenty of time to find someone special. Remember the good times and move on. For now enjoy all that is waiting fir you. There is loads. Truly.
I had forgotten my ‘John‘ and your post reminded me of when I was 18. Now 72, it’s made me smile. Be happy.

Good that it made you smile ) thanks

"But I should know their culture. Now I’m afraid to meet someone from another country."

Please do not be afraid. There are good and bad apples everywhere

What life taught me is: if a person uses excuses (culture, family, being scared, etc) to justify "i do what I want, not what I say I am going to do", I am out.
Actions speak louder than words.

You are only 21!
Could you imagine having such a family in law for the rest of your life knowing he would not support you no matter what?

By the sound of it you would never have a life with this guy as his relatives will make, in the name of tradition, any normal life you planned together impossible. How sad that this can still go on in the 21st C.

Hithere I don’t think I would want.. I just thought he would do something. But I already know even if he stand for it but stays with parents, I will have a bad life with them and they will hate me. I just thought they wouldn’t be like this... he probably knows there is no way to be with me and with his parents..
But true, actions speak louder.

beverly10 Yes, it is...

Bluebelle is spot on. Some of our strong traditions have only recently changed.

My father, the youngest of three sons, was expected to have 'a career in the Church' and was, therefore, a choirboy from (almost) infancy. He 'rebelled' and trained as an architect.

The eldest son had the best education, as he was to inherit the family estate, the second son was to be a lawyer.

The third child, a girl, had a basic education then went off to finishing school in France - and was expected to 'marry well' (be a lady) certainly not to work.

Much as birds might favour one chick, giving it the most food, attention and survival advantage - leaving others as 'reserves', our gentry favoured the eldest son. Each further son had fewer opportunities or advantages given. Much luckier to be a son rather than a daughter, though, of course. Quite bizarre and ridiculous traditions!