Arranged marriage and no chance to do anything

Talk about antiquated ideas,bluddy stupidity in any country.
Brainwashed beyond belief.

Our traditions and culture were very different when I was growing up in the 50s/60s. All changed now thank goodness but there’s a lot I remember about those times relating to shame and embarrassment regarding certain things. ‘What would the Neighbours think ‘ figured large in everyone’s life.

This is Gransnet, so I’m pretty sure there are enough of us who remember British social customs and rules of the recent past. Things like having to hide your sexuality if you were gay, not being allowed to play with illegitimate children, secret abortions because of the shame of being an unwed mother, family opposition if a white girl dated a black or Asian man, having to give up work if you got married, putting up with domestic abuse because if your husband hit you, it must be your fault, having a discreet registry office wedding if one of you was divorced. I like our society better as it is now, but I am careful not to rubbish the customs of other cultures where some of these things are still normal.

(A funny consequence of one of the above... my parents went nuts when I told them I was dating a West Indian. I forgot to mention that he was fair skinned and had red hair; he had a British West Indian passport because he was born while his Dad had a job in Trinidad.)

Thankyou geekesse. Currently two women a week are killed by their partners in the uk. It's not as if everything is rosy here.

BlueBelle Your comment about your plumber struck home with me. I know a few people who didn't want their children to do art but to get a good job. One client and her husband, both ceramicists and designers, wanted their son to go to uni (he was academically bright) rather than pursue a career in the arts. He did go to uni and became very depressed and, I think, suicidal. In his late 20s he went to art school and is now happy.

I have a client who went to art school in the 80's, enjoyed his summer job so much that he went to work for the company once he'd finished college. A few years ago he took the opportunity of redundancy and returned to making art and is now getting to be fairly successful.

Surely parents could let their children try their chosen career, whether its art, acting or music, whatever. Then the child will find out whether they can succeed or not.

"Sash" From what you have already said, it sounds to me as though he is a decent enough young man who is incapable of breaking away from his family. He should have told you in the beginning but I expect he thought you were a lovely and caring girl whom he wanted to date. Then he became emotionally involved and had to tell you that it couldn't last. The fault is with him and not with you.

Try not to overthink - that way heartache lies, He made a mistake and you've been hurt. As others have said, you will get over it. You may never forget him but time is a great healer and you will meet someone else who will be better suited to you.

Apologies for all the cliches and good luck.

sash the last post by dinah is so correct please don’t think of him as a bad man or his parents as bad people They believe they are doing the absolute best for him and he probably did fall in love with you but then realised he couldn’t follow it through and leave the family he loved so he did the right thing and moved in the only way he knew by removing himself completely that doesn’t mean he will never think of you with the regret of having to lose you he acted how he has felt right for you both
Remember him fondly he gave you 8 months of happiness and whilst your heart feels broken it will mend and he did the only thing he felt capable of ...... letting you go

silverlining48 They overvalue this. And don’t care about happiness and love. What’s going on with their mind... I felt like parents wish always the best to their kids , I can’t understand if they really think it’s the best what they do, or they just need power and control. And everything what they did for him was just to have power...

Dinahmo You are right about everything. I think it is like that exactly.

BlueBelle Yes this is true. I know it’s difficult for him too. And he cares about me. And maybe feels now the same what I feel, or different but bad. I just hope he’ll be fine with girl who he doesn’t know. Still want the best for him and I don’t want to find out later that he’s unhappy. And he told me he will regret but can’t do anything. I understand this culture a bit now. But I don’t know at all what he feels. And won’t know as we don’t talk anymore...

And I hurt myself even more now because start remembering sometimes every moment, how we travel, talk etc. it hurts. And I’m stupid and imagine that he’d contact me and say he did something, that he decided to be with me. I can’t understand why I imagine this if I know that that’s it and he’s not gonna do anything.

Sash0301 it’s hard, very hard, I won’t go over what others have said, but it’s better there’s no contact. It hurts, but any contact would give you false hopes, to be dashed again, you have to go through this horrible process of lost love, which will seem to go on forever. But this does pass in its brutality, believe me. You won’t forget him, or your memories, but there will come a day when you’ll have other interests and hopefully love. Best wished, J.

Jaxjacky Yes, thank you. I understand I shouldn’t contact. Although I want sometimes. But write to my friends instead and they remind me well that I shouldn’t . And yeah, these days are so long... I hope it’ll be better every day. And hopefully I will be happy soon. And he will be too.

I’m so sorry

But unless he’s willing to stand up for you, it’s best to try to move on.

Sash

"I know it’s difficult for him too. And he cares about me."

It could be the case, maybe not.
I doubt it is as difficult for him as it is for you.
He has evaluated the alternative and has decided this match is something he can live with.

Has he always known his future was to have an arranged marriage?
If so, this is something that children are brought up with, no surprise on his end

It is unfair to enter a relationship with somebody misleading them of the real intentions.

If he was 1000000% unhappy and couldn't live without you, he would say no to the arranged marriage and make a life with you
That would mean challenging his family, something he may not be willing to do ever.

In this case, it may be that any love match would have been rejected, even if she were Pakistani.
Many parents feel it is their right to pick their dil.
It is not you, the issue is that you are not his mother's chosen one.

I have seen this story too many times. Modern romeo and juliets separated by culture - nah.
Culture evolves.

Hithere I don’t know how it is. Sometimes I feel calmer already. But at the same time I feel so bad. Like now. I never thought it would be so bad. At night when all my friends are sleeping and I have no opportunity to talk with someone. Now I will for the first time like I can’t live through this.

I think he could know something, probably it’s not possible to know. But he said that last years he didn’t live with his parents so he was hoping they are not so much like this. When he talked he said he realized they are. And he said going extremely like fight them or have fights between families it’s not what he’s gonna do. And he said that from childhood they are used to this. That if parents reject something, it means they can’t do it. I still hope so much he will do something. Especially in the moments like now. I want to call and ask this but I know nothing will change.

You won't only survive this, you will thrive.

It is super hard to realize your life is not as you pictured it - and it's ok!
Just breath, and take baby steps.
You will be ok.

Even though you two are a match, add his family to the mix.
This is a deal breaker if he decides to pacify his relatives while sacrificing his happiness. You would be so unhappy too.

You dodged a bullet big time.

I sent you a PM,
Ping me if you want if you want to talk

Hithere Yeah. Really hard when I imagined and thought I would have family with him soon and imagined how happy we could be, even thought that I’m so lucky and not everyone meets such a person.

And because I think that we really love each other, sometimes I feel it shouldn’t be like this and that I’ll never meet a better person for me because we broke up not because of arguing, feeling bad with each other. But because of parents. And I usually believe that what is happening, is for the best. So, I probably should consider his parents too, maybe it meant to be like this. And if he has parents like this, it’s not possible...
I’m not sure yet why this is happening to me and what I should get from it. I mean why this relationship even happened if we can’t be happy together..

But maybe I’m saved from something by breaking up...

And thank you so much.

You will meet a much better person, way better than him. Waaaaaaaaaay way better.

Sorry to say you broke up due to his decision, not his parents.
He chose not to ruffle any feathers with is parents and aunt and proceed with the arranged marriage.

You may not see it now and think he is a pawn in this situation. He is one of the main characters.

You will come out of this way stronger.

It’s happened sash because we all have to learn through experience don’t imagine you re the only one, we have probably all lost ‘a love of our life’ at some point.
There are a few people who find love the first time and all goes smoothly but for the huge majority of us our hearts are broken (and often more than once)
This lovely young man gave you 8 months of happiness and in time you will be able to look back fondly on your time together but at the moment it’s too recent for your heart to mend but it will mend

He is not bad, his parents are not bad, their traditions are built out of love and care they haven’t lived with the freedoms that we have grown up with

It’s early days ...baby steps

Hithere Well, yeah, maybe you are right. I just don’t think about this as I don’t feel good to blame him. But I expected that he would do anything in any situation. But he doesn’t. So, yes.
And I started thinking it’s not because of him because these days I just read that in their culture it’s unlikely that man would go against parents. That this is what usually happens.

But true, probably doesn’t matter what culture but there is always choice. And he made it. And now when I want to contact him, it’s good to understand at least this. That he made this choice and probably he is not that person In my life who could do anything for me. But this was possible now, although difficult

I knew we have to learn through experience or maybe some people learn from feelings but they really need to feel themselves good. And I thought I’m that kind of person who understood my feelings... but probably there was something missing and this experience happened.

I hope you have sensible arrangements in place for Christmas and won't be alone wallowing in hour misery. I do wonder if all this discussion about your grief on here is making it last longer.
The day will come when you don't think of him once, believe me, and your hurt will gradually fade. If you can, try to enjoy the Christmas festivities whilst staying safe, and every time you think of him try to think of something else straight away.
Much love from all of us.

PS remember eating and drinking won't heal your broken heart - just give you a weight problem in the new year. ?

ExD unfortunately I don’t have any plans for Christmas and New Year and moved to new city recently, don’t know many people here. Just with my parents but they will not do anything.

I feel much better because I can discuss here. I need it, I still think alone all the time, so when I can at least write or read something here, it’s much better and helps when I feel very bad. I know there will be day when I’ll be ok. But now 100% of my thoughts is about this situation, I can’t stop thinking at all. Can only be calm or not. Again I think if I can do something and want to contact and offer my help. But if he doesn’t do it, probably he doesn’t need it. I don’t know if I may not contact at all. It’s just the second day we didn’t talk at all. But seems it’s easy for him.

And thank you so much for discussion and support.

I have opposite. I can’t eat at all... these days. So probably will lose a lot of weight..

Sash, are you able to confide in your parents about all this.
i think you ought not to contact your ex-boyfriend. he is an engaged man, may well be married by now.
you have to cut off completely from any contact.
perhaps you could read up on some stories of women who have married men outside their cultures and the problems it has caused. often unpredictable problems. you are very young, you will see things differently in 5 years time. you have your whole life ahead of you. and no real harm done, imagine if you had had a child and was then abandoned. good luck.