Gransnet forums

Relationships

stepson

(34 Posts)
Willow73 Fri 25-Dec-20 18:36:43

My husbands son cut himself off from his father and all my side of the family, changed phone number, deleted facebook and we had no way of contact him. His mum said my husband wasn't there for him when he needed his father. We knew nothing, not what we had done or what had happen no one told us. After 2 years he has just text saying he would not live in the past but was upset that dad wasn't there when he needed him. Now wants to see his dad . No thought over 2 years of what dad was feeling, or going through 2 birthdays and no thing heard from him. Husband now going to see him and accept him back, should I do the same? I feel nothing towards him but anger. Advice please.

silverdragon Fri 25-Dec-20 19:21:06

If it were me I would support my husband.

DerDer Fri 25-Dec-20 19:43:37

I agree with Silverdragon - maybe give your stepson a chance. I imagine your DH would be happier trying to sort things out with him. Estrangement can sometimes stem from a small misunderstanding. And you don't know what influence your stepson's Mum may have had on the situation.

sodapop Fri 25-Dec-20 20:05:51

I agree with previous posters Willow put your own feelings aside and support your husband in this. It would be good if you could help your husband and his son reunite, if it doesn't work out at least you tried.

Nicegranny Fri 25-Dec-20 20:11:28

Your husband is probably so glad that his son has contacted him. Make your stepson welcome, give it everything you have and support your husband otherwise you may eventually find yourself on the outside.
Some mothers don’t protect their children from divorce happenings and hurt their own children by getting them on their side making the father the baddie which is wrong so don’t muddy the situation further and except your stepson with open arms.
Some women of divorced men with children act like a cuckoo in the nest and go all out to keep their husbands children away from their new husband. I know from experience that these women are rotten to the core due to their own insecurities.
You are sure of your husband’s love and can except that he loves his children too , yes ?

Hithere Fri 25-Dec-20 20:16:41

I would support my husband too

welbeck Fri 25-Dec-20 20:17:57

but if he feels his father neglected him, then his behaviour is understandable, if hard.
why do people seem to dismiss other' feelings when they express them, why not discuss the matter.
you see the effect the estrangement had on your husband, and being protective of him, are angry about it. but maybe the son's mother saw the effect that his father's absence had on the son. both hurts.

BlueBelle Fri 25-Dec-20 20:18:33

It’s very hard to admit your were wrong well done that young man for holding out the olive branch even if it was him in the wrong
Your husband and you need to forget the lost years and make a fresh start
It’s not your place to be angry and if your husband wants a fresh start with his lad it’s up to you to support him whole heartedly and forget the two years.... it’s gone hopefully not to return

DiscoDancer1975 Fri 25-Dec-20 20:25:33

Definitely support whatever your husband wants to do. I’m sure there’s loads of estranged parents who would love to be in his position.

Nonogran Fri 25-Dec-20 20:37:36

Speaking from a similar experience, can I also suggest that your husband & his son may need several encounters on their own, in private. Give them some space to talk without a 3rd party being around, however well intentioned that 3rd party may be. In time, when they've exhausted what they may want or need to thrash out, step gently into the circle again. I too agree with all previous posters ....support your husband but give them s p a c e!

Hetty58 Fri 25-Dec-20 20:47:21

It's time to be the better person. Draw a line under past events, don't mention them, and accept him back.

fevertree Fri 25-Dec-20 21:04:23

Good advice above, I would add - consider what you were like at the age your stepson is now, he will not have the maturity or wisdom that (sometimes) comes with age. He has clearly been working through issues for the past few years. They both need your support and understanding.

All the best.

Coolgran65 Fri 25-Dec-20 21:17:45

I agree with Nonogran give them space. Good luck.

NotSpaghetti Fri 25-Dec-20 21:30:02

Yes, support your husband and try to step aside for a while - they may need to reconcile without you.
Be brave and bite your lip.
🤞Fingers crossed it all goes well.

OceanMama Fri 25-Dec-20 21:32:29

Your stepson was hurt enough by something to need to step away for a while. It probably took some strength to reach out again as well. I think it's a good idea for your husband to go and hear what his son has to say. It's understandable you are angry given the hurt you have seen your husband go through but your job is now to support your husband as he finds out what the bigger picture is and hopefully heals the divide.

Scentia Fri 25-Dec-20 21:34:09

—————
This is a line that must be drawn under the past and you need to support your DH and accept your stepson back into the fold.❤️

Jaxjacky Fri 25-Dec-20 21:50:30

This year has taught me that life is short and holding grudges and being angry is wasted energy, I agree with the majority of the others, take a back seat whilst offering your DH support and keep an open mind to listen.

vampirequeen Fri 25-Dec-20 22:16:09

Go with the flow but be prepared in the back of your mind for it to go pear shaped. You have to give the lad another chance but don't open yourself fully until you're sure. I know that part of you will be incredibly angry about the hurt caused to your DH and will be worried it's going to happen again. There is nothing you can do other than be there for your DH no matter if the result is good or bad.

Nicegranny Sat 26-Dec-20 02:56:26

Your husband was his father first before you came along. Let them reconcile.

mumofmadboys Sat 26-Dec-20 07:58:48

Any chance of mending broken relationships is a good thing. Both give it your best effort and try and forgive and forget the past. Good luck.

PetitFromage Sat 26-Dec-20 08:20:16

I totally understand how you feel, as I have been in a similar situation, but with my biological daughter. She was reconciled with us after several years of estrangement, just before DH was diagnosed with terminal cancer and died 9 months later.
He had come to terms with the past and all was forgiven between them. He was a wonderful, loving man, who never held a grudge.

I don't know, but I assume that DD will regret, if she doesn't already, the missed time she could have had with him. She abruptly cut contact, got married, had a child, and moved house, all without telling us (although she sent cards on birthdays etc). She has never really explained it, although there were some issues with now SIL. But she says that she was 'very young'.

Now DD is being loving and thoughtful and is in contact every day. She just wants to go back to where we were , both with me and her sisters. And on the surface we have, but underneath I still feel angry and hurt, both for myself and for DH, who was deprived of the first 14 months of DGD1's life. So I would feel exactly the same as you do.

However, we can't change the past, so we have to come to terms with it. Your DH wants reconciliation, so you have to support him this and be pleased for him. Try to let go of the angry feelings, for your own sake and DH's sake rather than for the sake of your stepson.

I wish you well flowers

Willow73 Sat 26-Dec-20 09:21:05

Thank you for all your comments.
I will support my husband whatever he decides and not interfere in the process. Life is too short but when you love someone and you live with them while they are hurting its hard to let go of those feelings of resentment.
New Year Resolution ; try hard to bury these feelings! Live in the present not the past!

Smileless2012 Sat 26-Dec-20 15:25:16

I wish you and your DH well Willow but also echo what vampirequeen has said. Take it slowly and be as sure as you can be before opening yourself fully and this advice is for you and your DH.

Madgran77 Sat 26-Dec-20 16:14:28

I also agree with Smileless and Vampirequeen. Take care, take it slowly, review together as you go along. flowers

Eloethan Sat 26-Dec-20 17:19:52

Let bygones by bygones.