DIL seeking advice

His parents are his problem, not to be your problem

I think that lakelovers approach of sharing the problem with her husband and making it a mutual problem to solve, rather than just leaving her clearly concerned husband to "deal with it", is a mark of a mutually respectful and strong relationship!

Just seen your post Lakelover. It sounds like a brilliant start?. Onwards and upwards from here.

Totally agree Madgran!

So glad you came back to us Lakelover. Your discussion with DH has given you quite an insight into some of his confused feelings about his parents. He must be hurt and upset that they seem disinterested in both you and your lovely baby boy, the two most important people in his life. Yet he still feels a responsibility, as AC often do, to help 'fix' the situation with his parents when realistically, if he has told you 'that's the way they are we can't change it', he probably knows that it's an impossible task without them realising that they need to make the change.

It makes it easier for you to see that this was what led to his suggestions of seeing them even more often and supposedly evening out your family's contact. Whereas seeing his parents less frequently may have a better outcome making your visits more valuable to them. You now know some of the thinking behind his reasoning and you are already moving on as a couple to formulate a plan of action that will help you both to heal; you from your hurt about their treatment of you, and DH from his hurt about their seeming indifference to you and your DS.

Thank you for the kind words everyone! You guys have been very helpful I definitely feel like me and Dh are heading in the right direction. He usually tries to not bring up his parents behavior unless I do but the other day he did again and how much it hurts. I am glad he shared that with me so I can support him too.
We talked to his sister and her family the other day and they are wonderful people. DH is a least happy DS and myself can have a good relationship with them. DS has some awesome little cousins around his age
I personally don't understand his parents behavior so it's hard for me to do anything but listen. He has said it's like they have no real interest in him as an adult man with a family. I totally agree with that. DH was quite he athlete when he was younger and his parents cant seem to move on from that. It's all they want to talk about most of the time. Maybe someday they will or maybe DH needs to have a chat with them alone to tell them how he feels. This whole thing kind of threw me for a loop.

It's good to see another post from you Lakelover. My heart goes out to your DH, knowing how much his parents' behaviour is hurting him and not just because of the way they are with him, but you too.

He is fortunate that he has you to listen to him and it sounds as if his sister and her family are loving and supportive. I think you're right, that his parents are unable to see and accept him as he is now as a husband and father. Such a shame as he sounds like the sort of son who would make any parent proud.

Now that he's finally opened up and been able to talk to you about all of this, I'm sure he'll continue to do so.

You sound like a lovely young couple, and with a precious son of your own I'm sure will have many years of happiness ahead of you.

You poor young lady putting up with a stupid selfish woman.

You have been given a lot of very polite and politically correct advice which is probably the right way to go but lm afraid l wouldn’t be so nice.
If it were me in your shoes I would set her straight and in no uncertain terms too.
I would let my husband know that I won’t put up with her first of all and the minute she said anything rude mean or nasty to me I would come down so hard on her and tell her straight “no respect, no visit”. Short and sharp and I would not back down.
What do you have to lose ? She has far more than you to lose.
How dare she yell at you on your wedding day, if she’s the kind of woman that can do this to a young woman on one of the best days of her life lm afraid she needs to be told now before she ruins your marriage.
Your husband needs to put you first!
Stick up for yourself because you are a mother and that means your son stays with you until you are prepared to let him visit with his father. He could be two years old by then and she would have cost herself that precious time.
But then that’s the way I see things.

You have been given a lot of very polite and politically correct advice which is probably the right way to go but lm afraid l wouldn’t be so nice

I don't see a lot of the advice as "polite and politically correct"! More of a case of considering all the ramifications in relationships and the needs of one's partner in a strong and caring partnership!

Stick up for yourself because you are a mother and that means your son stays with you until you are prepared to let him visit with his father

The child is also his father's son and the parents working together for THEIR son is considerably better than one laying down the law!

I agree with your excellent post Madgran. I find it disconcerting when I see a mother claiming sole 'ownership' of a child(ren) or being encouraged to do so when the father is present.

maybe if when your husband calls them, he could take more control of the call. if they start going on about his glory days in the school sports team just round it up by saying breezily, well we all grow up and being a dad is worth more than any of those prizes.
now i don't want to be late giving him his bath, cherio.

Smileless thank you for the kind words. My Dh is certainly a man any parent would be proud of. His parents may not tell him that but at least my dad does. I will be very proud if DS turns out anything like DH.

Nice granny your advice is appreciated. I do think this has gone on far to long because I haven't been assertive. Nothing wrong with asserting boundaries. The yelling at the wedding was just the tip of the iceberg when it came to wedding stuff. I almost did walk away because of what happened before the day. I really struggled with it and I do believe this is something that can ruin a marriage that is why I am trying to do what I can to make sure things never get to that point again.

Right now we haven't seen them since when I started this post but I am having a hard time with letting DS visit without me. I know it may seem controlling but it is hard for me right now. Some space from them has been great I give them less headspace now and don't feel as frustrated but at the same time I see just how toxic visits had become.

I told DH on Sunday I needed to get out and go for a walk with DS. He begged to invite his parents. I said if he did DS and me weren't going but we were going to go for a drive. He decided not to invite them because he wanted to go with us and they haven't contacted us since his last video chat a week and a half ago that DH initiated. I know that may seem controlling but I just can't give him over knowing how disrespectful they can be. If they aren't asking to see him I feel it's safe to assume they don't really care. Some of you might see that as ownership but it's just how I feel right now, maybe it will be different when he is older.

Welbeck DH does talk about other stuff but they only care about his work. If the convo flips to something about DH, me and Ds or just DS and Me they get dismissive and turn it back to sports or some kind of lecture.

Welbeck DH does talk about other stuff but they only care about his work. If the convo flips to something about DH, me and Ds or just DS and Me they get dismissive and turn it back to sports or some kind of lecture.

OP, that's my point. he doesn't have to let them direct the conversation. he can take control of it, and end it.
also what you wrote about wondering if you seem to be controlling re your son. of course you should control what he is exposed to. their influence is toxic.
you don't have to be apologetic for protecting your son from that. and you don't have to engage or acquiesce in anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. you are your sons primary carer, and with your husband you have to build up a safe and nurturing environment in which all of you can flourish.
you don't need to produce an acceptable excuse to avoid these people. don't agonise any more over it.

don't accept their attitude towards you, and your husband.
they treat you as, and regard you as, lesser beings.
less important. less competent. less able. less powerful.
you don't have to go along with that any more.
either of you. you don't have to appease them.
or argue or justify your choices. just choose them. act.

i mean choose what you are going to do, and do it.
without reference to them. both of you.

Thanks welbeck. That is good advice. I've have said to my DH before that it is ridiculous that every visit they get to monopolize and dominate every conversation. I would love to change that and you are right we don't have to at all. I think DH and I will develop a game plan together for next visit which with the both of us still won't be for awhile. I am still not ready to see them and I am encouraging DH to wait until they reach out if he really wants to.

I can see a couple of ladies here have miss understood what I wrote. Lakeover is breastfeeding her son so why would she let him out of her sight ? So madgran and smileless perhaps if you read the original post you should have understood why l said what l said not claiming ownership as you so both rudely agreed upon.
Read the facts and don’t try to lecture me or is this the bullying that I was warned about by commenting on gransnet?

No Nicegranny it is not the "bullying that you were warned about by commenting on gransnet". It was an open and honest comment on an opinion expressed that I did not agree with.

I did read the original post and I still disagree with your comment because I do not think breastfeeding precludes a couple deciding together what is best for their son.

Lakelover a gameplan together sounds good. Keep going...

Lakelover89 wrote:

" She corrected/lectured me once because I said her dogs collar was purple to the dog not even her and she said it couldn't be because the dog is a boy and it was brown. I said manye it was he light but she wouldn't let it go I got lectured on how she only buys the dog boy colours."

If this is typical of the woman's conversation she is not being rude to you. She is simple-minded.

As Madgran has posted our disagreement with your post wasn't bullying Nicegranny, nor was it rude and lecturing. We were both polite which is more than I can say about your response to being disagreed with.

I can see that although it's upsetting for you both, particularly your H, that his parents aren't asking to see your son it will be making life easier for you Lakelover.

It's great that you are talking and working together and that you're encouraging your H to wait for his parents to initiate contact.

Re: game plan for the next visit, OP, my DH and I have a few key phrases we use to instigate a change in topic for a specific relative who gets a bit OTT about politics. I know that’s not your issue, but the key phrases thing we do might be helpful. So when things start going south, one of us will say “remind me to get shoe polish on the way home” and the other changes the subject. It sounds daft, but with some practice key words or phrase between you and DH might help guide conversation with your IL’s to a more comfortable place and make a visit a bit more tolerable?

Sounds a good idea Lolo, useful tactic on occasions, I imagine!

Madgran, it’s saved the day a few times for us!

My advice is harsh but may be worth considering.

Don't stop your husband seeing his parents.

Don't stop you son seeing his grandparents (but see below).

Never allow your in-laws to visit you in your own home.

Only go to visit them on important family occasions like birthdays.

If you discover that your in-laws ever say anything to your son that is disrespectful to you then stop them seeing him.

It sounds harsh I know but it just might result in them realising that you are not going to stand any nonsense from them.

I went through a very difficult patch with my in-laws after the birth of my first son and I wish to this day that I had stood up to them. My friends advised me to cut them off, my mother said I should persevere - I followed my mother's advice.

Although things eventually got better between us, it soured our relationship for years and I still believe had I been stronger everything would have been brought out into the open and our differences would have been gone away far sooner.

And definitely find an alternative to your in-laws doing the childcare when you go back to work - that is a recipe for disaster at this stage.

don't initiate any visits.
only see them on neutral ground, so that they are not domineering by being the occupying force, and so you can leave easily whenever you have had enough.
don't argue with them about anything.
if they become rude or unpleasant, just leave.
always act as a team. don't let them see your son in your absence. basically keep them at a distance, don't let them bug you.

Hey all just thought I would update. I have loved the advice on here and it is just nice to get some of this off my chest without having to complain about it to anyone in real life.

As it stands we have not seen inlaws in person in quite some time and I haven't joined in on any chats with them other than a quick hello. Weird thing is DH stopped reaching out and of course they came running. They suddenly were calling all the time, started a group chat with us and SIL and wanting to come visit. DH held them off for a bit because we just wanted some family time. But DH is back to reveling in his parents attention which i am so confused by. We have a visit with them planned for this weekend and I feel bad but I have nothing but dread.

I promised DH I would because it's been awhile. He did some work at my parents house and he asked in return if we could do a face to face walk/dinner with his. He is so excited for them to come. His mom and dad while I haven't really had much contact with them have been upping the whole DS is exactly like us and our side with DH on video chat and group chat. They did this to death after his birth like they had to claim ownership. I don't know why it bugs me it just does. MIL has started saying everything is a their family thing and asking every chat what if DS eyes are still their families colour as well as FIL is sending side by side pics of pics DH has sent him of DS and DH.

Guys I am struggling. DS is such a lovely little character growing leaps and bounds but I am exhausted lately from his sleep regression and never ending appetite. We are so isolated and I miss my friends and my workplace. I just don't want to fight the fight I just want to retreat to my room with DS and not deal with it but I know I have to sometimes. I love the DS looks like DH but I am tired of the just one more thing his family uses to exclude me with. Its hard to hear people sit around and go on and on about how your baby has nothing of you and everything of them. DH has said a few times DS has this of me but in the video chat I hear MIL and FIL argue with him, no that's from our side.

I am tired of the cluelessness of these people and no consideration for my feelings. I am tired of hearing how wonderful the "Smith family" is while they act like this. I really am dreading the visit. I worry I won't have it in me to assert myself and call out rude behavior. I worry his mom will press and become argumentative. I hate that my sons looks and personality are the only topic of conversation lately. Can't he just be an individual with his own looks and desires. I hate that DH has my family who adores him while I am barely tolerated by his it just seems so unfair. I also worry I will be so mad at myself for just being a doormat and letting it all go. I just can't keep doing that to myself. Anyway thanks for listening if no one responds it was just nice to get that off my chest.