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DIL seeking advice

(87 Posts)
Lakelover89 Mon 11-Jan-21 17:50:26

Hello, I am a long time lurker first time poster. I am seeking advice for what to do about a husband/inlaw issue I have been having for a while now. Just thought maybe some of you grandparents could give me some insight on how to make this better. I have been with my husband for 5 years now and we recently welcomed our first child q little boy in late 2020. I will try to keep this concise and to the point. I can provide more details if needed.

The issue is, is I often feel left out and disrespected during visits with my MIL and FIL. Since I first met them 5 years ago they just don't seem to want me around despite me being polite, respectful and trying to get to know them. My inlaws go between ignoring me, making passive aggressive remarks, correcting/arguing with me about meaningless things and preaching to me and my husband about what we should be doing better. I now dread visits and I am beginning go resent my husband for allowing this to go on so long. On the outside his parents dont seem like rude or mean people, they have friends and are well educated but they come across as just plain mean at times. They never ask me about myself, dont listen to me if answer the question they ask during a visit (how are you?) And they change the subject if I try to participate in any conversations.

Before our son was born my husband was alot more receptive to how I felt. He would at least try to include me or stand up for me if he thought his parents were being rude. We also saw his parents a lot less which was way more manageable for me. Now we are back to seeing them weekly. If I complain to him he now defends them, he says that's the way they are we can't change it. He wants me to just be quiet and go along with it so our son can have a good relationship with them. I do admit they are good grandparents to their other grandkids. But the other part of me has some mama bear instincts where I want to shield my son from them. I worry he will learn these behaviours or he will begin to treat me this way during visits as well. I already feel like the inlaws have a little club with husband that I am not allowed to join. They already claim everything my son does is just like DH and he looks/acts nothing like me.

I am beyond frustrated about this. I feel like I try really hard to include them and make them feel wanted but I am met with nothing but disrespect. During a few of my special events (wedding, baby shower, etc) I included MIL in them and she put a sour note on each event by snapping on me in front of others like I was a toddler. Should I just grin and bear it like I've been doing for the sake of everyone getting along? Should I stand up to them myself to hopefully make it stop? Should I give my husband an ultimatum to get him to see it's a problem and he needs to fix it?

If you have made it this far thanks for listening. I could really use a friend right now.

NotSpaghetti Wed 13-Jan-21 22:07:48

Good luck. flowers

Smileless2012 Wed 13-Jan-21 22:31:47

A year or two of cooling off time will only make the situation worse. Lakelove's problems wont go away or have any hope of being resolved if there's two years of no contact.

Summerlove Wed 13-Jan-21 22:47:54

I know MIL feels left out with her other grandkids due to distance, SILS MIL lives very close and is very involved so there's some jealousy. DH is determined not to let that happen with our son. My parents live down the street and they are retired so they dont go anywhere. They help with our son a lot so there is already hard feelings about my parents getting more time with our son. DH is really pushing for his parents to get equal time.

This is a HUGE husband issue.

Do you want your children to have a similar relationship with grandparents on both sides. This is often misinterpreted as needing fair and equal time with the grandchild. Grandchildren are not timeshares. Your time with your child does not need to be split equally down to the minute. Just because your mother lies jealous of her other grandchildren’s grandmother, doesn’t mean you have to give up what you want to make her happy. She had her turn to be the mother, and now she needs to step back.

Norah Wed 13-Jan-21 22:48:39

Mistype. I meant a month or two of no contact, for Lakelover and her baby with that M.i.L. Cooling off time. If that's not enough to ease the frustration, maybe 6 months. Time away from burdens helps.

Norah Wed 13-Jan-21 22:58:11

I know MIL feels left out with her other grandkids due to distance, SILS MIL lives very close and is very involved so there's some jealousy. DH is determined not to let that happen with our son. My parents live down the street and they are retired so they dont go anywhere. They help with our son a lot so there is already hard feelings about my parents getting more time with our son. DH is really pushing for his parents to get equal time.

There is no equal in life. You have a H problem. He needs to stand up to the M.i.L and take equal out of her hard feelings.

Toadinthehole Thu 14-Jan-21 08:34:39

This is about you, your husband, and little baby starting out on a new adventure. It’s not about appeasing grandparents....on either side, who’ve had their turn, and expectations should be zero. We brought our children up, and enjoyed every second. Grandparents only saw them up to my oldest being 15, youngest 10.....and then it was sporadic, depending on how they were. They could be really nice when they wanted to be, usually after an absent spell. I now consider any time with my grandchildren a privilege, never a right. Luckily, I learnt so much about how not to behave with adult children, it has helped, so I am actually indebted to them!
We must remember of course...we are talking about awful parents in law here, but there are just as many awful children in law. I’m sure it’s fairly well balanced, as the difficult’ children’, end up being tomorrow’s difficult older adults.
Focus on your baby, and keep talking to your husband. He had to put you first.💐

Toadinthehole Thu 14-Jan-21 08:36:04

He HAS, not had!

Norah Thu 14-Jan-21 13:33:11

Toad excellent thoughts.

I have many GC and GGC, they are not my children. To my opinion if I visit them a few times a year, with their parents, all is Lovely. You're not just an incubator for GC. You had children for you and H.

Madgran77 Thu 14-Jan-21 14:50:47

Mistype. I meant a month or two of no contact, for Lakelover and her baby with that M.i.L.

Thanks for clarification Norah. A year or two did seem rather extreme! smile

Lakelover89 Thu 14-Jan-21 20:30:59

A month or two off from them wouldn't be the worst thing. I think it would at least give me a chance to feel a bit better and have more tolerance. When we see them weekly like we do now I feel frustrated for a few days after the visit and then it's almost time for another. I do sometimes think the little offences that happen are becoming bigger and more annoying to me because I am exposed to their rudeness all the time. If I ask my DH for a break maybe we can regroup decide how we will approach it and tackle it together.
I agree with you guys that grandparenting is a privilege. I have told my DH that by him keeping score it is making it harder for us to have family time. I agree that his MILs relationship with her other grandkids should have nothing to do with us. It's a really unfair expectation to place on our son.

silverlining48 Thu 14-Jan-21 23:18:25

Just a thought. Rather than a month or two gap all in one hit, it might be kinder to gradually increase the time between visits. Maybe every other week, then longer if need be and see how you feel. You may be able to cope better and she may realise how her attitude is affecting your relationship and the amount of time she sees your son.