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OH just doesn’t care

(28 Posts)
Florencerosie Sat 20-Mar-21 20:22:13

I am feeling so down right now. For the past 8 days, I have had a raging toothache pain after having a tooth extracted and developing ‘dry socket’ I have antibiotics and am taking painkillers, but it’s horrible.

My OH takes me to the dentist and goes to get me more painkillers, but it’s as though beyond that his patience runs out. Earlier he went out and I asked him to pop to the chemist to get me some gel for my gum to hopefully ease it. He came back with some gel that didn’t say anything about pain relief! When I queried it, he went mad, threw the phone on the sofa and said you ring the chemist then!

I came upstairs, and stayed in my room - little while ago he got himself some dinner. I went to get some painkillers and said why didn’t you ask me? His reply, I didn’t know what you were doing!

He really just doesn’t care - I’ve always known, you can’t make someone care, but it’s hard to live with that and be happy. He won’t admit it, just says I made a mistake.

We can’t afford to sell up and buy 2 separate homes, I have a serious health issue and he comes to the hospital, and that to him is caring. I just said to him, if the dog was in pain, would you shout at her and he said no. I guess that says it all.

I just feel very low and wish I had someone who truly cared for me.

Smileless2012 Sat 20-Mar-21 20:32:39

I really don't know what to say but didn't want to not respond Florencerosie.

Toothache at the best of times is horrible so I can understand why you're feeling so down. Lock down is making it difficult for us all, being cooped up.

Have you been feeling this way for some time? You say you can't afford 2 separate homes so is this something you've looked into?

If not and you really feel you'd be happier without him, you need to spend some time looking at your overall financial position and get some legal advice.

I hope that at least your toothache eases and you'll feel more comfortableflowers.

JuneRose Sat 20-Mar-21 22:36:17

Dry socket is miserable. I had one once it was the pits. Once you feel better I hope things will seem more hopeful. Maybe it's time to really take stock and see if there is anything you can do to improve your situation even in a very small way. At the moment we are all so tied to home without even our normal little escapes and distractions. Soon we will be able to meet friends again for a walk or a coffee. Just getting out and having a bit of space may help? Hope you soon feel better. X

2020convert Sat 20-Mar-21 22:50:43

Suffered from dry socket too so know what you’re going through. You may need stronger antibiotics - have you been back to the dentist?
Your feeling re your husbands sympathy and reaction is different. How is your relationship in normal times - to be honest it doesn’t sound positive. You do need to treat this as a separate issue as the main thing, at the moment is your pain and suffering from your extraction.
If your dentist can’t help, do go to your gp. Also try rubbing Freeze Gel on your face, or (if it’s still on sale) Fullers Earth. That’s all that worked for me, apart from strong antibiotics and painkillers.
Then when you are pain free you can address your marital issues with a clearer head.
You can do this. Be strong.

avitorl Sat 20-Mar-21 23:52:31

You have my sympathy.I find I'm happier alone than being with someone who really didn't care about me. I did go to Relate alone and talking things through with them made me realise I really did need to go it alone which I did.It has worked out for me and possibly could for you too.
I hope your pain soon goes.

Polarbear2 Sun 21-Mar-21 09:01:34

It’s a sad situation. I’m thinking he’s as fed up as you are. Neither of you seem to want to be together and yet you feel stuck with it. Have you tried - once you’re better - sitting down and trying to make a plan to help you both? Admitting it’s not making either of you happy and trying to find a way through/out could help with the behaviour issues. If he feels his feelings are recognised he might be nicer. Just a thought. Good luck. I hope you feel better soon.

vampirequeen Sun 21-Mar-21 09:05:27

You say you can't afford two houses. Are you really staying together for the sake of the house? A house is just a thing. As long as you have somewhere safe to live does it matter if it's a house/flat you own or rent?

It's not easy to start again but believe me it's much easier than living in misery.

geekesse Sun 21-Mar-21 09:41:39

As someone who lives alone, and has to deal with any illnesses, aches and pains for myself, I am always astonished that those who are coupled expect their partner/ spouse to make a fuss of them when they’re are unwell. Why keep moaning at him? Why expect someone else to go to the chemist?

The marriage may or may not be unhappy, but my sympathy here is with the husband.

Florencerosie Sun 21-Mar-21 10:42:46

Thank you ladies for your replies and advice/comments.

This morning the pain is slightly better and I ordered some gel that freezes the gum from Amazon - should arrive today. I will call the clinic (oral surgeon) tomorrow if no better and maybe need more antibiotics.

I’m going to have a chat with my OH when this pain is over. I just know if any of my family were in pain I wouldn’t shout at them.

geekesse

Not sure what your issue is - you sound bitter that you live alone. Have you heard the saying “If you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything”

Patsy70 Sun 21-Mar-21 11:48:43

Florencerosie (such a pretty name). So pleased that you’re feeling better today, and intend talking the issues through with your OH. Best wishes to you.

geekesse. Your comments were uncalled for. It is quite natural for couples to support and care for each other, and very hurtful when this doesn’t happen.

grandtanteJE65 Sun 21-Mar-21 11:55:02

I think there must be a lot more going on that just differing definitions of caring and and pain management.

Most men find illness very upsetting and unlike women don't want to talk about things that upset them.

It seems to me that you OH felt you were critising him when you questioned the gel he had fetched from the chemist for you.

I hope the pain goes away soon, then I suggest you sit down and seriously consider whether you want to end you marriage or not.

If you do, you need to follow Smileless ' advice. If you want to sort out these problems you need to discuss them with your husband.

I am afraid you need to consider too whether you are in the right here - I know we would all like to feel t'other fellow is wrong, but quite honestly is he?

Have you perhaps been overdoing the poor little me routine?

I don't mean to be harsh, but it can't all be his fault, can it?

Kestrel Sun 21-Mar-21 12:04:53

Men are from Mars?... men often seem to express caring in a different way to women and give each other space when they are in pain/upset. Could it just be that? Your OH is doing all the practical things to help and has done in the past. Can you get emotional support from friends/family instead? Hope you feel better soon flowers

ExD Sun 21-Mar-21 12:12:25

If you are as old as me, you were brought up during the '50s and his/her roles were strictly defined. Husbands did not have much empathy for others, wives and children - in fact I don't think they were capable of putting themselves in other people's shoes at all.
I've had a dry socket too and its agony, and all I can say to cheer you up is once those antibiotics kick in the relief is overwhelming - may it happen soon. In the meantime you need to accept that your husband can't change his attitude to the suffering of others, even if you can convince him to try.
There's no point ending what otherwise may be a good marriage (how do we judge someone's marriage?) because he lacks empathy. Be the bigger person, look after yourself and leave him to his own devices, he won't change.

Gannygangan Sun 21-Mar-21 12:12:42

It appears there may be more to this than just the tooth gel episode

I've had dry socket. I know how horrendous it is.

I have chronic pain. Many a time I'll ask my husband to get this that and the other

I often think that if the boot was on the other foot I'd be blowing gaskets.

It's nigh on impossible for people who aren't suffering with pain to understand what it's like. It's a bit like giving birth. We all know what it was like at the time but you can't feel that pain any more

So it might be hard for him to see you in pain and he reacted with frustration because it's out of his control.

Like you mentioned, a chat once everything calms down will be good.

Good luck smile

geekesse Sun 21-Mar-21 15:02:26

Florencerosie, you said ‘Not sure what your issue is - you sound bitter that you live alone. Have you heard the saying “If you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything”’

Quite the contrary! Having tried it both ways, I’m awfully glad I live alone, and reading all the threads on here from people complaining about their spouses confirms that coupledom isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

This is a public forum, and you have to be prepared to accept the fact that some people won’t share your views. Have you heard the saying “if you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen”?

granzilla Sun 21-Mar-21 15:18:45

geekesse
Is there any need to be so unpleasant?
OP is in pain.

Eyaronia Sun 21-Mar-21 15:20:47

I hope that at least your toothache eases and you'll feel more comfortable

Ro60 Sun 21-Mar-21 15:23:51

Dear Florencerosie (there a significant name for me) 😁
Never heard of dry socket but by others responses I'm glad I havn't. (Off to Google in a mo) But tooth ache Yes the worst pain!
Hope the gel arrived soon.
A friend's DH was useless when she was recovering from a stroke, yet when she broke her arm & had a cast on he did everything for her. Without a visible sign of her condition he barely acknowledged her difficulties!
I bet he just feels frustrated by everything - lockdown doesn't help either.
He's not used to you being like this so no wonder he doesn't know how to react.
Here's to a brighter day for both of you. 💐
It's not all brilliant on your own - just don't do anything rash.
Best wishes

Thistlelass Sun 21-Mar-21 15:26:21

I agree with Geekeese on this. I think you are being more than a little melodramatic. Yes, I am sure you are in pain but that is hardly a reason to tear your relationship apart you know! As has been said many, many people have nobody to support them through pain and illness. But I do hope things are improving.

EkwaNimitee Sun 21-Mar-21 15:28:51

I think you need to get straight back to the dentist and stop trying to sort it yourself. I know the agony of a dry socket. I couldn’t stand it and went straight back to my dentist who saw me immediately. He packed the socket with I know not what and the blessed relief! Ever since, I’ve dreaded that happening again.
Sort that first and then when you are better, you will feel able to take a calmer look at your relationship. Men are funny things and as others have said, generally don’t like dealing with illness. I think perfectly justifiable ‘moaning’ about your pain is probably put in the same category as nagging which men seem to hate. Plus, he probably can’t cope with feeling useless. I’m not sure we women are as stoical about pain as they but who could be stoical about a dry socket?! For now, be calm with him and get him to take you back to that dentist. Good luck!

Florencerosie Sun 21-Mar-21 21:24:12

Thank you all you lovely ladies for responding. The gel I ordered from Amazon arrived and has helped a bit. Pain eased off a bit - sometimes painkillers work, sometimes not which is strange.
I’m going to ring dental clinic in the morning to hopefully get some more antibiotics.

ps. To geekesse and thistlelass - obviously lovely ladies not directed at you.

Nonogran Sun 21-Mar-21 22:06:04

Here's wishing you get well & stronger very soon. I have a certain sympathy with your situation as my OH is totally useless when I'm poorly. I could starve in my bed if it was left to him. He would come upstairs after 3 or 4 days of a severe chest infection & not having offered so much as a cuppa, find me skeletal!! Hahaha, we laugh about it now.
I think men like being mothered so when "mother" shows weakness they get scared because there'll be no one to look after them!? It's probably a subconscious thing but not helpful to their partner. This is a learning curve for you & maybe next time he's under the weather just take a small step back from the tea, sympathy & Lemsips.
I'm a bit tongue in cheek here but like others are suggesting, get well, take stock & have the discussion. Keep a journal so you can bring that to the forum as a discussion document if you like, because it's easy to forget your feelings & frustrations.
Best wishes & thinking of you across the miles & Get Well Soon.

ExD Mon 22-Mar-21 12:38:08

I was surprised to see you haven't been back to the dentist, because he'll pack your socket with an analgesic which will make like much more comfortable. Do get yourself there as quickly as possible - pick up that phone NOW!!!!! PLEASE!

Only then can you address your OH's lack of compassion.

DiscoDancer1975 Mon 22-Mar-21 12:51:43

Awww, bless you. I think dry socket is probably up there with one of the worst pains I ever felt. It took 4 weeks in the end, before I felt better. I was fluctuating between ice packs and co- codamols, which just made me feel sick! Once the wound had healed, good old fashioned Bonjela worked very well, if it’s any help.
I did go back to my dentist after about two weeks, and he did pack it, but it was really the bonjela that did the trick in the end, but don’t use it until the wound has healed.
My husband never liked it if I was ill. He did care, but I think he panicked, certainly when the children were small. He’d always want to know when I was going to be better! As if I knew!
When you’re better, you’ll probably see things in a different light. Here’s hoping that is very soon💐

Florencerosie Mon 22-Mar-21 13:13:17

Hi ladies - update

I spoke briefly to the oral surgeon who did the extraction ( it was complicated so my dentist referred me there) she only works there 1 day a week, so she said she would leave a prescription for stronger antibiotics this morning which my OH collected.
I had been back last week to see a different oral surgeon who barely spoke to me, squirted something on it and then just wrote out a prescription. Now I have the stronger ones though, hopefully they will work.

OH is being nicer to me and maybe what a few of you have said rings true, men find it hard when we’re ill.

Thank you again ladies for your kind words.