Grandparenting at a distance

My son and DIL had their first baby last May. They live in Australia. DIL’s parents live just down the road from them, and visit, or baby-sit almost every day.
Obviously my trip over there for the birth was cancelled, and it will be some time before I can visit. They have all been wonderful in keeping me in touch with my new GS, though he’s not so new any more! They send lots of photos and videos, and FaceTime a couple of times a week. He is beginning to recognise me, and I get lots of smiles.
I know that I will never have the hands-on relationship that his other grandparents have, but am just glad that he has one set on hand to help out with him.
My other Aussie GD, who is 4, has us in U.K. and her other GPs in Peru, so is deprived of much physical contact with both sets.
It’s tough when you don’t get to visit very often, but you can still build up a good relationship if you make the effort.

It's interesting that so many GPs expect to be a regular/frequent part of their GCs lives. I never really expected that. We brought our sons up to be independent and build their own lives and families, and so long as they're happy, we're happy, whether we see them or not. Six of our nine GC live over 100 miles from us, the other 3 are just a few miles away. We don't see any of them very often. It doesn't worry us, they visit when they can, they know we love them and it hasn't affected how close we are.

When I had a small family, we lived well away from both sets of in-laws. I never expected nor asked for elp from either pair. The only time when my in-laws looked after the boys for a weekend, she wouldn't use any of the food I left for them and managed to ruin my new non-stick frying pan by scrubbing it with a Brillo Pad. My sons' families, likewise, don't live close enough to ask for help from me or other GPs. They managed when the GC were little, sent them to nursery and my Dils arranged reduced working hours with the good will of their employers.

I think it’s always natural when DiL is closer to her own family, I have a 2 GDs one from my son and one from my daughter. Dynamics are different. We’re very lucky as we have our sons daughter one day a week for childcare. My daughter lives an hour away but we see her once a month for weekend. I also have daily FaceTime with her and GD.

I did treat all to the FB portal for Christmas which is a brilliant way to keep in touch and you can read interactive stories to the GC on it too.

You will be good grandparents because you’re clearly wanting to be!

I just live around the corner from my son. His mil came out from overseas and moved in. She was anti social and we got excluded from our previous grandson. We didn't bond with him till he was two. Hes now three. The positive thing is if you aren't the caregiver you get to spoil them and just have fun. Our grandson is now asking to come to us even if he's not allowed to stay. It hurts sometimes but it is what it is.

Can I put a slightly different perspective on this problem? My DH and I are truly blessed that we live literally round the corner from my DD, SiL and 2 DGC. We see them at least twice a week and a weekends. ( Dare I even say, sometimes too much!). We have been part of their childcare bubble during Covid. We adore our GC and know they love us too.Their other GPs live a couple of hours drive away. When DGD was a baby they came over once a fortnight , stayed over and helped with child care. Then SiL's dad wasn't too well. Looking after 2 GC was too much (he hadn't been very hands on and the GM did nearly all the actual child care). Then he needed an operation and the visits and child care all stopped. Covid meant they didn't see them at all for ages. They met up half way between the two homes pre lockdown 2 and again this weekend. The absolute anticipation, excitement , joy and delight the DGC felt at seeing their other grandparents was totally overwhelming. You see, seeing them was something absolutely super special, whereas we are just Granny and Grandad. They love being with us, but we aren't SPECIAL!!!! However far apart you may be, love isn't measured in miles and frequency, love is just what it says on the can. Love is just LOVE. !!

Without a doubt it’s not the “quantity” of time you spend with your grandkids... it’s the “quality” time. Make sure whenever you do see them you focus on them, playing with them, games, adventures, all the simple things blowing bubbles, drawing, hide and seek... all the things kids love... and if allowed a wee treat from Gran, be it homemade baking or a wee bit of chocolate.

Molly R.. You sound quite desperate, the way your talking sounds as if you want to take over there lives . I believe you need more personal help to cope with what your going through, before making any rash decisions, or you could face pushing them further away.

You need to lay your cards on the table with your son. I think they are being very uncaring. There seems so much of this sort of thing these days, i would not have deamt of treating my mil or mum like this. You have nothing to lise by speaking truthfulky. They are growing up fast dont delay

Ydoc your recipe for sorting this problem out is a recipe for estrangement. I cannot see why there should be any problem here or need to act or do things specially.

We live 4 hours from our grandchildren and DDiL's mother lives 10 minutes away. This has never caused us any problem and we do not do this 'quality ' time bit either. When we go north to see DS and family we spend family time with all of them. we are different people to their other grandma, different lives, different ages, different background. All three of us are united by our love for our grandchildren and grandparent in different ways.

When we see our DGC at the end of May, it will be the first time in 10 months. When I speak to DGD she can tell me exactly how many days it is until we meet again. Every contact, telephone, Zoom, email ends up with her saying how she is missing us and so wants to see us.

She does not love us less because it is 10 months since she last saw her, she doesn't love her other grandmother more because she goes round each week and stands in the front garden and waves to her.

The best thing OP can do is - nothing - and just play it by ear.

I’m also a long distance nanna. my oldest granddaughter I text her and call her. Her mum is remarried so I don’t see her unless she is with her daddy my son, I see her few times a year now. My son just had a baby in nov with his 2nd wife I’m hoping to get to meet her next month, normal I would have seen her before now but with covid obviously that’s why I’ve not. my youngest grandson who lives with my other son is 2 also his mum as a 10yr boy from her first marriage my step grandson also 200 miles in other direction. I video chat with him also so he knows who I am. He kisses me via the screen lol. I try see them as often has I can but I’m moving closer to my youngest son. Myself and my boys have discussed it. I send them a parcel once a month. So gives them something to look forward too. Yes the inlaws do see them more than me. Yes I do envy them but that’s life.But grandkids are all over me when I visit them. Even if other grandparents are there. But I’m sure that they feel same way. But grandkids love us all and we love them and that’s all that counts at end of day. Covid should have taught us that family is important along with time.