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Anyone else celibate?

(38 Posts)
Shinamae Wed 07-Apr-21 10:04:24

I have been for nearly 30 years. Never have enjoyed sex, yes I have had four children but believe me the process of getting them was not at all enjoyable for me!It might stem from an incident when I was about six with a local boy of 15,I cannot fully remember it but he was later charged with abusing his own children and there was actually a book written about him. Anyway whatever the reason it is what it is,maybe I’m frigid,asexual I really don’t know but I don’t think I am missing out. A lot of my friends say you “ haven’t met the right man yet” but I don’t think that’s the problem, I just have no interest whatsoever in sex ,anyway just interested to see if there are any other celibates out there and whether they will actually admit to it because I know I have had some very scornful remarks but luckily remarks don’t bother me..

olddudders Wed 07-Apr-21 10:15:40

I am absolutely not celibate, but would never, ever, question the rights of those of either gender who choose to be.

As for married ladies not enjoying sex, I think that is far more widespread than the couples idyll would suggest. My first marriage was a disaster in that respect - we were rowing about sex on honeymoon - and it didn't improve. But other great qualities in the relationship ensured we stayed together until ovarian cancer intervened after 38 years.

I have known married men who said sex was an over-rated pastime, so it isn't just ladies. Words like frigid have no place in such a discussion - you can't be wrong if celibacy suits you!

timetogo2016 Wed 07-Apr-21 10:17:19

I think it`s down to the individual Shinamae.
Sorry about your unfortunate incident as a youngster,that may have something to do with it.
I was celebate for around 2 years and to be honest i didn`t miss sex at all,then dh came along and hey presto i loved indulging again.
Maybe you will find someone who makes you so happy you too will find sex a pleasure.
I hope you do too.

grandMattie Wed 07-Apr-21 11:21:11

I am because DH had a radical prostatectomy 18 years ago and was made impotent. We had a lovely and joyous sex life, but have accepted that it is now over. So be it. At our age, there are more important things, like friendship and love, than sex.

Shinamae Wed 07-Apr-21 11:24:41

grandMattie

I am because DH had a radical prostatectomy 18 years ago and was made impotent. We had a lovely and joyous sex life, but have accepted that it is now over. So be it. At our age, there are more important things, like friendship and love, than sex.

💐💐💐

Newatthis Wed 07-Apr-21 11:33:10

I think that if were sexually abused at the age of 6 you might want to go and have some therapy. Not wanting sex could be part of this. However, if this is not so then it is entirely what you feel happy about regardless of what people say. Very brave and open of you to post this as many wouldn't want to talk about it.

MissChateline Wed 07-Apr-21 11:41:19

I never really understood why I was never over enamoured about sex with men despite having 2 wonderful daughters until I fell totally in love with a woman 32 years ago and became a fully fledged lesbian!
Several relationships later I am now with the woman I intend to spend the rest of my life with and in a recognised civil partnership.
Maybe start to consider other options !

grandtanteJE65 Wed 07-Apr-21 11:46:52

I am happily married now and enjoy sex with DH, but we married late and after some fairly unhappy love affairs when I was in my twenties and early thirties, I opted for celibacy.

I found it much preferable to unhappy relationships.

So I suspect do plenty of other women and men, but as it is not fashionable to be celibate, they don't often admit to it.

Nor do married couples, who have opted for a non-sexual relationship.

I heartily endorse the view that everyone should do what suits them in this respect.

I imagine if I outlive DH that I will happily embrace celibacy again, rather than another person!

CafeAuLait Wed 07-Apr-21 11:46:54

Some people are asexual. Could this be it?

henetha Wed 07-Apr-21 11:51:42

Even though my partner left me over 12 years ago I can't bring myself to be unfaithful to him. Isn't that silly!
There have been one or two little opportunities but I've squashed them.
So, yes I am.

olddudders Wed 07-Apr-21 12:20:32

henetha

Even though my partner left me over 12 years ago I can't bring myself to be unfaithful to him. Isn't that silly!
There have been one or two little opportunities but I've squashed them.
So, yes I am.

Of course it isn't silly! If you had real feelings for your partner, and those haven't gone away, why would you want to undress with anyone else?

You simply can't be wrong about your own feelings. Enjoy them!

sodapop Wed 07-Apr-21 12:32:29

Absolutely nothing wrong with that Shinamae if you are happy with your life. I was sorry to hear about the incident in your childhood that must have been awful.
We are bombarded by media telling us how we should be enjoying sex and having x number of orgasms per week. Scant attention is paid to all the people who are celibate from choice and in fact they are often ridiculed as you said. Yet another instance where we are made to feel we are wrong if we don't conform to perceived 'norms'.
Enjoy your life it's no one else's business but yours.

vampirequeen Wed 07-Apr-21 13:06:28

I don't see anything wrong with anyone choosing to be celibate. Not everyone wants to swing from the chandeliers. It's all down to choice.

It's appalling that you have been ridiculed.

Redhead56 Wed 07-Apr-21 13:29:15

I was a victim of abuse by my relatives as a ten year old. I don't think it affected me physically I can't recall I blocked it. I was very naive and married my first husband (that's another story) He was sexually selfish I had a single life for four years. I dated a former colleague for a short while he was nice company. But he had too much baggage.
I remarried and have had a wonderful fulfilling life with my DH. We both had health problems so it's just best hugs now but we are very happy with that. Grateful for the life we have had together.

Shinamae Wed 07-Apr-21 13:35:33

CafeAuLait

Some people are asexual. Could this be it?

I did say in my original post that I could be asexual or even frigid but to be honest I don’t really want to delve into it and have therapy, I think dragging it up after all these years could do more harm than good. I am quite happy living my life the way I do.... and I have shared before that I am a recovering alcoholic and I started drinking at 15 so maybe that’s to do with it......

Shinamae Wed 07-Apr-21 13:53:08

And I was jumped on by another poster for even mentioning the word frigid!!

AmberSpyglass Wed 07-Apr-21 14:13:40

MissChateline I was starting to think I was the only lesbian on here!

Puzzled Wed 07-Apr-21 14:18:01

Sad that an incident when you were small has had such an effect on you. Have to say that it has deprived you of such pleasure, in all senses of the words.
Perhaps, before too long, you will meet someone who is caring and loving and can find a means to help you.
If you do, you will such joy

MissChateline Wed 07-Apr-21 14:25:27

AmberSpyglass

MissChateline I was starting to think I was the only lesbian on here!

It’s good to know that I’m not the only one, it’s been odd trying to write about things as a female and grandmother but also including references to my wife. I did sometime wonder if other contributors thought I was a bit of a weirdo!
Anyway thank you for mentioning it . Maybe we should set up a subgroup somewhere if that’s possible.

JaneJudge Wed 07-Apr-21 14:30:41

Seriously, with childhood sexual abuse and as a recovering alcoholic who has found peace and recovery, does it really matter if you are choosing not to have sex because you don't enjoy it? it is nothing to do with your friends

NannyKat Wed 07-Apr-21 14:48:51

Shinamae, you must be and do exactly what makes you happy. Just dont push anyone away who may want to love you and be involved in your life... other than that ... just keep on loving your friends and family

Shinamae Wed 07-Apr-21 14:58:19

MissChateline

I never really understood why I was never over enamoured about sex with men despite having 2 wonderful daughters until I fell totally in love with a woman 32 years ago and became a fully fledged lesbian!
Several relationships later I am now with the woman I intend to spend the rest of my life with and in a recognised civil partnership.
Maybe start to consider other options !

Seriously I had considered that I might be gay but I find no attraction to women at all I’m afraid. I am attracted to men but just can’t take it any further really just have them as friends...

LauraNorder Wed 07-Apr-21 15:02:58

Shinamae As long as you are happy with who you are and how you feel then just carry on being you.
If you’re not happy then explore the possibilities of talking it through with others with similar feelings, counsellors or your GP as a start.
GrandMattie, Orlin has had the same operation as your husband. We settled in to celibacy for a while afterwards but missed the closeness of sex and have since discovered many other ways of giving each other pleasure without the need for penetration.
MissChatelaine and Amberspyglass, don’t form a sub group, we’re all in it together on Gransnet, thank goodness we’re not all exactly the same. Different views, different experiences, different feelings, all makes the world go round.

Shinamae Wed 07-Apr-21 15:10:33

Totally agree LauraNorder, celibate, nymphomaniac, asexual, frigid, bisexual, gay or lesbian all are welcome on this thread, just not judgemental!!

Redhead56 Wed 07-Apr-21 16:01:50

MissChatelaine I have noticed you refer to your wife I have not thought twice about it. You are you and happy I have a nephew with a husband each to their own.