Gransnet forums


Advice needed

(30 Posts)
GrannyLiz1946 Sat 10-Apr-21 23:29:05

I haven’t posted for a long time but I have seen that this is a forum in which people are kind!
What would you do if someone you met at a group dinner , part of a club we joined late last year, made it clear that she was cutting you? I sat next to her at the dinner as she is the organiser and I was new. We chatted and although I was a bit nervous I thought it went well. But I have seen her and greeted her on 3 or 4 occasions since and she has basically cut me. So I’m upset!
Is it better to ignore this behaviour or to get her on her own and ask her what it was I did that annoyed her? I am going to bump into her a lot and I’m anxious to clear the air.
I was thinking of going to her house and asking her. Otherwise I’m unlikely to see her alone.
What is the best thing to do in your opinion?

Hithere Sat 10-Apr-21 23:38:47

Is there anything that may have caused it?

I would certainly not go to her home and ask why.

She doesnt want to have a friendship with you.
If you happen to be on the same room, just avoid her.
I bet there are many other people who appreciate your company, why waste time in something that is out of your control?

Bluebellwould Sat 10-Apr-21 23:41:06

Oh gosh don’t go to her house. I think you would come across as needy. Perhaps she doesn’t remember you and so has no idea that she is cutting you. Also if you are new it takes a while to get to know someone and perhaps there is a feeling that you might not stay in the group. Give it time and be patient.

crazyH Sat 10-Apr-21 23:48:50

Oh GrannyLiz, that’s so awful. You say she was ok at the group dinner ? So something happened, either during or after that. If I were you, I would certainly like to know the reason. Does this group meet regularly? I am presuming this happened some time ago, because we are in lockdown now. Yes, if you live near her, I don’t see any reason why you shouldn’t knock her door and ask her the reason. Good luck. I do feel for you ...

GrandmaKT Sat 10-Apr-21 23:51:52

Could it have something to do with lockdown? Maybe she is shielding, but needed to go out to get essentials and wasn't chatting with anyone?

Kamiso Sat 10-Apr-21 23:53:25

I had a neighbour who was friendly then suddenly turned into the neighbour from hell. Her last mistake was to corner my teenage daughter in the garage and accused her of stealing her peg bag!! She was not someone you could have a rational conversation with.

It’s not likely to be personal or anything you’ve done. She’s just a bully so be polite but wary. If you appear to take no notice she’ll probably move on to someone else.

Game playing with others emotions seems to have become a pastime for some!

geekesse Sun 11-Apr-21 00:00:41

She may just not be very good at remembering faces, or perhaps her eyesight is a bit weak. I occasionally go out without my glasses and then a couple of days later, someone will say that I ignored them in the street, when actually, I didn’t see them at all.

And I’m useless with faces - I need context to figure out who someone is. I once did a 16 mile sponsored walk over quite strenuous terrain with a woman who clearly knew who I was because she asked after my kids, but I hadn’t a clue who she was. Then I went into the local library, and the librarian I chatted with every week for years asked me if I’d got over the walk yet, because her thighs were still aching.

Please don’t assume it’s personal and take offence. Just be your normal charming self, and be charitable when interpreting her intentions.

CafeAuLait Sun 11-Apr-21 00:02:44

It might be something to do with her and nothing to do with you at all. You don't know what is going on in her personal life. Or maybe she really isn't that friendly?

Either way, I'd just shrug it off. If you see her again in a social context just be normally friendly. She might warm up to you or you'll just have to accept that she isn't open to friendship.

ElderlyPerson Sun 11-Apr-21 00:06:18

Maybe something really worrying has come up in her life and she was not being aware of you.

There is also a condition called prosopagnosia that some people in the population have, not always being aware of it.

As some people have it, it is possible that she is one of them/us.

Did you meet her in a different context when you think she cut you? Such as in the street or in the frozen food aisle of a supermarket?

Were you dressed differently than at the dinner?

Was your hairstyle different from how it was at the dinner?

Some people, like some teachers, can recognise the members of a class after one meeting.

Some people cannot tell one movie character from another if they are both wearing a black suit and are about the same age.

When I was at school, people usually sat where they liked, but one teacher insisted that we sat in alphabetical order of surnames. I wonder if that is why he did that.

Gannygangan Sun 11-Apr-21 00:08:17

I can understand that this is confusing for you. I agree with others, don't go to her house.

Not saying this is the case but I had a similar problem with a neighbour of my Mum's. Lovely lady who would always have a chat.

However I saw her a couple of times when out and about and she totally blanked me. I was quite bewildered really but just carried on.

One day I saw her in the village and she beamed and came over. Told me how pleased she was with her new glasses and how wonderful it was to be able to see again.

It appeared she'd blanked me due to the fact she couldn't see me!

I hope things get sorted for you. Try not to worry too much about it.

Spice101 Sun 11-Apr-21 00:08:34

While you thought the chat went well and you thought there may be a friendship in the making, perhaps this person did not get the same connection and has no interest in being friends with you.

That said it is no reason to not be polite if and when your paths cross. Give a cordial greeting when you see her but other than that I'd not make any attempt to find out what her reasons are.

ElderlyPerson Sun 11-Apr-21 00:31:40

Hello geekesse

I think that you posted while I was writing my post.

It is called prosopagnosia.

There are web pages about it.

There are YouTube videos about it.

Oh yes!

GrannyLiz1946 Sun 11-Apr-21 01:04:58

Thankyou so much for your advice. I will not go and see her.
She knows who I am as she is in several interest groups that I am in. It’s a group for retired people with around 100 members and many outings and interest groups are arranged. That’s why I want to fix it as I’m going to see her a lot.
I live in New Zealand and we are not in lockdown.
As to what may have caused it I have racked my brain and all I can think of is that she has a dog, a Westie, that she loves. I did say that our neighbours had one that barks a lot every time it sees or hears us and carries on for an hour! I guess that was tactless of me. I do get nervous when in a new group😏. But that does seem to be a small annoyance if anything.
At 75 I’m too old to not know how to deal with such things!!
But I think the basis of your advice has been very helpful. I will just keep saying hello when I see her and stop bothering about her if possible.

sharon103 Sun 11-Apr-21 01:46:00

I wouldn't bother with her. Some people are just plain ignorant.
There's a 100 people in the group you say. Make friends with the other 99.

3dognight Sun 11-Apr-21 03:00:38

I think you are overthinking it.

I would not go round to her house, just be polite and civil if you have cause to converse with in your groups. Just don’t talk about dogs smile

Well done for getting out and meeting new people, for sure you click with others there.

BlueBelle Sun 11-Apr-21 03:18:35

She may not be ignorant or nasty I have tried to warn my friends that I can’t see them very well especially in bright sunlight I m much better indoors but in bright light it’s quite blurry so I need people to call out hello to me then I say hello back whether I see who it is or not I also don’t recognise faces very well ( unless well known ) but I m one of those people who say hello to everyone whether I know them or not but she may be a more private lady and she has only met you once and don’t forget if you’re sitting side by side at a meal she may not have seen your face much

granny2one Sun 11-Apr-21 05:15:14

You have made me feel much better about it.thanks.

Dippygran Sun 11-Apr-21 05:31:44

Hi Liz, (this is my first post, hopefully not too long winded n hopefully helpful)

Having been in a similar situation, I finally realised (after months of going over every interaction we'd had in my head n making me so anxious that I stopped going to my nightclass) that if I HAD said/done something that bothered her then SHE should be the one to approach me! I still felt upset and believe me being around her wasnt easy - but like my grandaughters always telling me 'fake it till you make it' so I went back to class, chatted to the others, made out like I wasnt fazed by her, was civil and eventually I did feel ok - shes never approached me in 2years but Im fine with that lol

(ps Id maybe advise against going to her home? - just thinking it might immediatley put her on the defensive, please keep us posted?


wildswan16 Sun 11-Apr-21 07:28:06

I would just ignore it. Remain pleasant, don't expect to engage in conversation. Smile with a "good morning" etc and walk on. It really isn't worth making an issue out of it.

Looking at it from her perspective - sometimes we meet people we just don't get on with. That doesn't mean we should be rude to them though. Maybe she has just lost a close relative, or been diagnosed with illness - you just don't know.

Katie59 Sun 11-Apr-21 08:04:33

Women do this often, if you are not one of their clique friendship will be superficial - until they want something, men seem to mix much more freely. My husband joined the Rotary club, mostly male members, their ladies had their own lunch meetings, although I was invited and introduced getting accepted was hard, they all sat at “their own” tables and didn’t mix.

Calendargirl Sun 11-Apr-21 08:08:07


While you thought the chat went well and you thought there may be a friendship in the making, perhaps this person did not get the same connection and has no interest in being friends with you.

That said it is no reason to not be polite if and when your paths cross. Give a cordial greeting when you see her but other than that I'd not make any attempt to find out what her reasons are.

I second this viewpoint.

Nonogran Sun 11-Apr-21 08:24:54

Don't even think about going to her house! As a previous poster has said, you'll come over as "needy." Don't give her an opportunity to reject you.
In my experience, it's best to gird your loins with confidence & courage, be polite with a greeting & move on! Be circumspect & share your time at meetings with those who do gravitate to you. Don't give her a second thought.

Sara1954 Sun 11-Apr-21 09:24:55

No, definitely don’t go to her home, I can’t see any good coming from that.
Basically, I agree with Sharon103, just get along with the rest of the group, and if she wants be unpleasant, just ignore her.

GrannyLiz1946 Sun 11-Apr-21 11:31:05

Thanks, all very helpful. Dippygran your experience is useful. Yes will do as you all say. Even just having this chat with you all has lifted me back out of my anxiety and made it all seem less of a problem.
I will hang around the formum in case I can offer such good advice to others, 🙂

DiscoDancer1975 Sun 11-Apr-21 11:54:42

Less is more as they say. I wouldn’t bother with her at all. It sounds like an attention seeking thing to be honest. Just befriend someone else.