Moving on - should I feel guilty?

I seem to remember a friend in similar circumstances to your own (whose husband did the same with their house) arranged for her solicitor to have some sort of marker placed on their property with the Land Registry which prevented him selling it without her permission. I think you need to talk to your solicitor about this as soon as possible to protect your own interests.

Have you ever tried to fight back? If you have low self-esteem a bully will take advantage of you because they are cowards and only pick on the weak. Don’t waste your time feeling sorry for him, he doesn’t feel it for you. If your finances are sorted you should leave ASAP and let him worry about the packing etc. I have been in your situation and took the plunge, never looked back. Good luck.

It is a big step but you need to find the strength to get away from him ASAP. What have you got to lose? Nothing except a miserable life ahead with him. On your own you can find yourself again and have a happy life making your own choices. His diabetes is his problem not yours, don’t let that stop you! What he is doing is domestic abuse, it can be emotional as well as physical, perhaps you could contact someone who deals with this to give you the support you need. Good luck.

allsortsofbags
I googled Charming Manipulator last night and I couldn’t believe how accurate it was! It made me realise that it’s not my fault and that there is a definite pattern to his behaviour and what you said about me being useful to him, but not valuable rings true.

There is so much excellent advice here and I shall try and keep you up to date with my progress.
As I mentioned previously, I went back to him partly I think because I had spent so much time and energy organising my escape and when I finally moved into my apartment I felt lonely and missed the house and my things. In hindsight being aware that I shall feel like this and it’s normal, will help me this time.

Oh wow this is a difficult situation, I recognize some of that controlling behaviour, my husband tries to control me, sulks, withholds affection (was for weeks at a time but now hasn't given me so much as a hug, even when my mum dies, for years) be very careful about moving house, if your house is currently in joint names, you could find that for any number of reasons, you don't get to move into the next house together or see your share of the money. I was moving house with a previous husband, he had ordered me to go and sign the sale documents at the solicitors, on the way the purchasing solicitor phoned me as he hadn't got hold of husband, wanting to know what the delay was with signing the purchase documents, which husband had told me had already been done. Turned out he had no intension of buying a new house, he just was tricking me into agreeing to sell our home. And lots of people will say you can go to court to get your share but the reality is it can take years and by that time the money is spent, lots more money eaten up in court costs and you are left with an order requiring ex to pay you so much a month out of his wage, then the next round of legal work kicks in when he doesn't even do that! Be careful, if the house is in joint names do not move out until it is sold and you have your share. If he won't move out you will just have to share living in the house but get it sold, it will be very hard, but forty years is a long time to be unhappy, its time to look forward to the rest of your life.

I finally flipped over his behaviour when our daughter had her first child. I went to mediation, him too, I think he thought he was 100% right in all his attitudes. He insisted I couldn't have any part of his (large) pension, so the mediators said I should have 80% of the house. He agreed and the divorce went ahead, clean break.
I did ok out of it, sold the house and downsized with no mortgage. And I went on working long enough to have a satisfactory pension in my own right.
When the mediators put in their bill, he objected, and refused to pay his half, he msut have realised by then the division had been fair and didn't like it. But the court decided otherwise. I haven't had any news since of him, neither has my daughter. I think my son may hear occasionally, but that is nothing to me.

See your solicitor to tie things up and leave now. You need to stay in the area where you have friends and keep your counselling sessions and very soon you will feel a lot better and much more able to plan your future.

Please leave. You deserve better and definitely thinking about it all is far worse than doing it. I wish you contentment and relief for the future

Sgilley Thank you for your encouraging words.
I’m having a bad day today. I’m Wavering , as there is so much to organise and what ifs going through my head. I’ve just been reading my diary for the past 4 years and that has made me realise there is a definite pattern to my husband’s strategy. I need to be strong as see this through

There is a charity called Refuge which helps victims of Domestic abuse. It may help to contact them.
Stay Strong and keep us updated on your progress. GN is brilliant for help, advice and support.

I have sent a pm. You are brave.

I too have sent you a PM