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Moving on - should I feel guilty?

(88 Posts)
Walkandtalk Thu 15-Apr-21 23:42:02

I have been married for over 40 years, but not very happily. He tries to control me and can be very nasty, and then switches on the charm, which then makes me think everything will be OK. now.
I have tried to leave a few times but each time he has persuaded me to stay, saying we would both end up paupers if we split up, and that we have a good marriage and just need to work at it.
However the past 5 years have got worse. He has accused me of having someone else- not true- and has took my diary. He demands to see my bank statements and then queries every transaction. He doesn’t like me socialising with my friends, and doesn’t speak to me for months if I do anything he doesn’t like. He says he doesn’t trust me or respect me.

Now he has decided he wants to move to another area, where it’s warmer. Where we live now was supposed to be our forever home. The house is on the market, though at an inflated price so it will take a while to sell.

So why am I feeling guilty if I leave him as he is a Type 1 Diabetic? I feel I’m going round in circles.

Also I would have to help with the packing and selling of furniture, so is it more sensible to stay until the house is sold, and that could take a long time, or should I just leave and move into furnished accommodation until the house is sold?

As you can tell I’m very mixed up and can’t see the wood for the trees. I have been to see a solicitor, worked out my finances - I can just afford to live on my own for 2 years - and have also had counselling, where I was told I have low self esteem, which maybe the reason why I have difficulty making a decision and to act upon it.

I welcome your advice, to help clarify my thoughts.

manny Sat 24-Apr-21 10:53:38

I too have sent you a PM

Camellia20 Wed 21-Apr-21 21:13:13

I have sent a pm. You are brave.

Forestflame Tue 20-Apr-21 10:34:00

There is a charity called Refuge which helps victims of Domestic abuse. It may help to contact them.
Stay Strong and keep us updated on your progress. GN is brilliant for help, advice and support.

Walkandtalk Tue 20-Apr-21 08:42:50

Sgilley Thank you for your encouraging words.
I’m having a bad day today. I’m Wavering , as there is so much to organise and what ifs going through my head. I’ve just been reading my diary for the past 4 years and that has made me realise there is a definite pattern to my husband’s strategy. I need to be strong as see this through

Sgilley Tue 20-Apr-21 07:40:19

Please leave. You deserve better and definitely thinking about it all is far worse than doing it. I wish you contentment and relief for the future

EmilyHarburn Mon 19-Apr-21 09:59:27

See your solicitor to tie things up and leave now. You need to stay in the area where you have friends and keep your counselling sessions and very soon you will feel a lot better and much more able to plan your future.

yggdrasil Mon 19-Apr-21 09:54:59

I finally flipped over his behaviour when our daughter had her first child. I went to mediation, him too, I think he thought he was 100% right in all his attitudes. He insisted I couldn't have any part of his (large) pension, so the mediators said I should have 80% of the house. He agreed and the divorce went ahead, clean break.
I did ok out of it, sold the house and downsized with no mortgage. And I went on working long enough to have a satisfactory pension in my own right.
When the mediators put in their bill, he objected, and refused to pay his half, he msut have realised by then the division had been fair and didn't like it. But the court decided otherwise. I haven't had any news since of him, neither has my daughter. I think my son may hear occasionally, but that is nothing to me.

Classic Mon 19-Apr-21 04:44:19

Oh wow this is a difficult situation, I recognize some of that controlling behaviour, my husband tries to control me, sulks, withholds affection (was for weeks at a time but now hasn't given me so much as a hug, even when my mum dies, for years) be very careful about moving house, if your house is currently in joint names, you could find that for any number of reasons, you don't get to move into the next house together or see your share of the money. I was moving house with a previous husband, he had ordered me to go and sign the sale documents at the solicitors, on the way the purchasing solicitor phoned me as he hadn't got hold of husband, wanting to know what the delay was with signing the purchase documents, which husband had told me had already been done. Turned out he had no intension of buying a new house, he just was tricking me into agreeing to sell our home. And lots of people will say you can go to court to get your share but the reality is it can take years and by that time the money is spent, lots more money eaten up in court costs and you are left with an order requiring ex to pay you so much a month out of his wage, then the next round of legal work kicks in when he doesn't even do that! Be careful, if the house is in joint names do not move out until it is sold and you have your share. If he won't move out you will just have to share living in the house but get it sold, it will be very hard, but forty years is a long time to be unhappy, its time to look forward to the rest of your life.

Walkandtalk Sun 18-Apr-21 13:35:45

I googled Charming Manipulator last night and I couldn’t believe how accurate it was! It made me realise that it’s not my fault and that there is a definite pattern to his behaviour and what you said about me being useful to him, but not valuable rings true.

There is so much excellent advice here and I shall try and keep you up to date with my progress.
As I mentioned previously, I went back to him partly I think because I had spent so much time and energy organising my escape and when I finally moved into my apartment I felt lonely and missed the house and my things. In hindsight being aware that I shall feel like this and it’s normal, will help me this time.

Shropshirelass Sun 18-Apr-21 09:23:54

It is a big step but you need to find the strength to get away from him ASAP. What have you got to lose? Nothing except a miserable life ahead with him. On your own you can find yourself again and have a happy life making your own choices. His diabetes is his problem not yours, don’t let that stop you! What he is doing is domestic abuse, it can be emotional as well as physical, perhaps you could contact someone who deals with this to give you the support you need. Good luck.

Edith81 Sun 18-Apr-21 09:10:00

Have you ever tried to fight back? If you have low self-esteem a bully will take advantage of you because they are cowards and only pick on the weak. Don’t waste your time feeling sorry for him, he doesn’t feel it for you. If your finances are sorted you should leave ASAP and let him worry about the packing etc. I have been in your situation and took the plunge, never looked back. Good luck.

Hil1910 Sun 18-Apr-21 00:23:31

I seem to remember a friend in similar circumstances to your own (whose husband did the same with their house) arranged for her solicitor to have some sort of marker placed on their property with the Land Registry which prevented him selling it without her permission. I think you need to talk to your solicitor about this as soon as possible to protect your own interests.

lovemabub Sat 17-Apr-21 19:37:41

Having been in a controlling relationship for twenty years I would say it really seems ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE to get out of. It's so easy for people to say, just leave, but that would have been like cutting off my own arm and leg. I couldn't do it. But now that he's passed away and I'm on my own I really couldn't be happier! Exactly the same with my Mum who had a new lease of life after my controlling Dad died. But please don't wait for your hubby to die and release you before you get the life you love and deserve.

Yorki Sat 17-Apr-21 19:30:38

I apologise for extra words added that make no sense in my last post. It's my phone, I think there's a gremlin in here somewhere. It does it quite often.

Yorki Sat 17-Apr-21 19:27:54

Walkandtalk... He sounds like the typical narcissist. He ticks all the boxes, the fact that you've had councilling shows his tactics are working. Narcissists are what ask own as ( excuse my French) major mind fucks. Diabetic or not, it's not your problem, but he will use it against you. He not. Is he making you move away from friends and family? If so, it's a deliberate act to isolate you, in order to totally control you. Get out!!!! And don't be guilt tripped, keep things as private as possible, because he will want to know every single detail of your move, to him " forewarned is forearmed". Don't give him any" tools" he can use against you. Good luck. And take care of yourself.

Lettie44 Sat 17-Apr-21 19:07:35

Good luck with whatever decision you make. Today would have been my 50th wedding anniversary, but I left 18 years ago for the same reasons as you. Please don’t feel guilty. You have done nothing wrong.

Harris27 Sat 17-Apr-21 18:12:21

Make sur enough go have everything ready try and get a flat or place to go before you leave. Heck your finances and make sure he pays for the misery he has caused you. You have made the right step before contacting a solicitor and he will make sure you get what your owed. For your sanity leave and enjoy the rest of your life. Good luck x

Walkandtalk Sat 17-Apr-21 17:22:45

I’m overwhelmed by the responses. There are quite a few suggestions here that I hadn’t thought of, so thanks again.

This is what Gransnet is all about, empathy and support for those of us who need it.

I feel far more confident now that I am doing the right thing and if I waver again, I only need to reread the comments.

Ellypat Sat 17-Apr-21 17:12:04

I left my abusive and controlling ex after 37 years. Best thing I ever did. I’m a type 1 diabetic and can’t understand why you think it should be a factor in your decision. Adults are responsible for their own health. Mine was greatly improved by leaving!

Riggie Sat 17-Apr-21 16:39:32

Start making your plans and be very careful not to leave a trail - he may be accessing your emails/social media/phone etc.

Christo69 Sat 17-Apr-21 16:36:10

I endorse all the previous comments you have made the decision -now you need to see it through without being manipulated in to back tracking this guy may try to make it hard for you-but every effort he makes to impede you simply underlines your decision to move on!
You may find there are support groups nearby for others in your position you don't have to do this alone!

greenlady102 Sat 17-Apr-21 15:47:54

i would like to say leave now and fast....but its important to get the finanaces sorted, especially the house and making sure you get any share due to you. Don't let yourself be bullied and conned any longer.

Newatthis Sat 17-Apr-21 15:40:29

Madeleine 45 has said it all. Leave him but plan it first. Don’t stay, you have years ahead of you.

TrendyNannie6 Sat 17-Apr-21 15:40:28

When you say should I feel guilty, guilty for what?

TrendyNannie6 Sat 17-Apr-21 15:39:31

Please get your finances together get advice and leave, if you stay you could have countless more years living like this, I couldn’t live like it where I’m dreading seeing him this isn’t a life it’s just existing, you deserve much more, he won’t change, but you can change what’s happening, if you stay I guarantee your health will suffer with all this stress he’s a bully! Best wishes to you