Moving on - should I feel guilty?

Why waste your remaining years with this controlling bully. You will be entitled to a 50/50 split on the property. Don't waste anymore time with this man, start getting your finances sorted and head off to a happier future.

Walkandtalk -a clear case of gaslighting - and he thinks you should stay together and work at the marriage because he wants to continue his coercive behaviour with you - the longer you stay the longer you are enabling this behaviour and it will only get worse as he becomes older. Play along with the sale of the house but in the meantime plan your exit. Good luck.

Would you leave him if he wasn’t type 1 diabetic ?!
He is not going to change - leaving my first abusive husband was the best thing I ever did - for me it was the mental/emotional abuse rather than the physical (although they find a way to do that where it can’t be seen), the daily put-downs that was the worse as it just goes on and on ... the abuse that no-one sees!!! it’s not going to get better ... get your stuff in order and leave him to it, you will find freedom and peace x

You can do this...you will do this. Ask solicitor if it is better to stay in house until it is sold by the way. Your husband might take it off the market without you knowing.

Madeleine45's response brought me to the edge of tears, every suggestion so apt. I left my controlling, abusive husband years ago, but it was so, so hard. Over many weeks I secretly planned my 'get-away', squirrelling away the child allowance in order to save for the train fares for myself and toddler son. We left one morning while he was out with just one bag of clothes each. I re-built our lives from that day, and never regretted it, despite the huge difficulties, financially and emotionally. Walkandtalk - You have one life. You have already given 40 years of it to your undeserving partner. Please try not to let guilt stand in the way of the future happiness that is not only what you deserve, but is your right. From my own experience, making the decision to leave (and sticking to it) is of course huge, but once done, everything else will gradually slot into place, week by week, month by month, and the day will arrive when this unhappy time will be a memory and you will be helping others by your bravery in this situation!

Please don’t stay in this marriage. When I decided to leave my husband 20 years ago I found a rental house for my son and I, took out a loan for the deposit without even knowing how I was going to cope financially. But I didn’t care, I just knew I had to get away. I never regretted it and we were fine.

Nowadays this is called a Coercive relationship and is against the law, he can be prosecuted for it. I was in the same style relationship for 20 yrs, and it almost killed me trying to escape. I left him with everything as I was too scared to stand up to him, and he even took me to a solicitor to sign a form saying I would never ask for any money from him. In those days there was nothing I could do, as he never physically hurt me, but was all mental and psychological abuse. Thank goodness the law has changed, follow the link for more info about women's rights in a coercive relationship. Be strong, be brave, you will look back on this in a few years and realise how lucky you were to escape. Good Luck! rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-information/violence-against-women-and-international-law/coercive-control-and-the-law/

Does your house belong to both of you, or only to your husband? Have you shared investments or work pension maybe a widow's pension? Take care of yourself.

He sounds paranoid. Are you afraid of him? If you feel guilty, you can maybe promise yourself to keep in touch with him in a friendly way. Is he attractive? If so he might find some other woman .

Unless your furniture is valuable antiques you should forget it, as it can be easily and cheaply replaced. Some furniture is not worth the cost of packing, transporting or storing. Your emotional health is more important than chairs and tables.

Madeleine's advice is good.

We have only one life on this earth.
Leave as soon as possible.
You've sacrificed enough years for this man, or should I say bully.
It is a known fact that women can cope far better on their own than men. Ask any widow of long-standing.
It is only fear of being alone that keeps so many women in these sort of marriages.
Your self-esteem will rocket!!!! Good luck.

If you have a friend or female relative who can support you through this I VERY much recommend that. You will need a strong woman to help.

When I left my ex I told him how much I would be happy with and told him he could keep his pensions, so I knew I'd have no ties at all with him. I moved in with family, he lived in our marital home until it sold. I got my share and that was that. Divorce was applied for, by him cos he knew it was final, I only went to a solicitor once to sign papers and he showed his face in court for 10 minutes, marriage finito. I now have my own home, I share it with my dog and I am so happy. Come and go as I please, no more insults, I've got peace at last.

Good luck you can do it ?

Please get your finances together get advice and leave, if you stay you could have countless more years living like this, I couldn’t live like it where I’m dreading seeing him this isn’t a life it’s just existing, you deserve much more, he won’t change, but you can change what’s happening, if you stay I guarantee your health will suffer with all this stress he’s a bully! Best wishes to you

When you say should I feel guilty, guilty for what?

Madeleine 45 has said it all. Leave him but plan it first. Don’t stay, you have years ahead of you.

i would like to say leave now and fast....but its important to get the finanaces sorted, especially the house and making sure you get any share due to you. Don't let yourself be bullied and conned any longer.

I endorse all the previous comments you have made the decision -now you need to see it through without being manipulated in to back tracking this guy may try to make it hard for you-but every effort he makes to impede you simply underlines your decision to move on!
You may find there are support groups nearby for others in your position you don't have to do this alone!

Start making your plans and be very careful not to leave a trail - he may be accessing your emails/social media/phone etc.

I left my abusive and controlling ex after 37 years. Best thing I ever did. I’m a type 1 diabetic and can’t understand why you think it should be a factor in your decision. Adults are responsible for their own health. Mine was greatly improved by leaving!

I’m overwhelmed by the responses. There are quite a few suggestions here that I hadn’t thought of, so thanks again.

This is what Gransnet is all about, empathy and support for those of us who need it.

I feel far more confident now that I am doing the right thing and if I waver again, I only need to reread the comments.

Make sur enough go have everything ready try and get a flat or place to go before you leave. Heck your finances and make sure he pays for the misery he has caused you. You have made the right step before contacting a solicitor and he will make sure you get what your owed. For your sanity leave and enjoy the rest of your life. Good luck x

Good luck with whatever decision you make. Today would have been my 50th wedding anniversary, but I left 18 years ago for the same reasons as you. Please don’t feel guilty. You have done nothing wrong.

Walkandtalk... He sounds like the typical narcissist. He ticks all the boxes, the fact that you've had councilling shows his tactics are working. Narcissists are what ask own as ( excuse my French) major mind fucks. Diabetic or not, it's not your problem, but he will use it against you. He not. Is he making you move away from friends and family? If so, it's a deliberate act to isolate you, in order to totally control you. Get out!!!! And don't be guilt tripped, keep things as private as possible, because he will want to know every single detail of your move, to him " forewarned is forearmed". Don't give him any" tools" he can use against you. Good luck. And take care of yourself.

I apologise for extra words added that make no sense in my last post. It's my phone, I think there's a gremlin in here somewhere. It does it quite often.

Having been in a controlling relationship for twenty years I would say it really seems ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE to get out of. It's so easy for people to say, just leave, but that would have been like cutting off my own arm and leg. I couldn't do it. But now that he's passed away and I'm on my own I really couldn't be happier! Exactly the same with my Mum who had a new lease of life after my controlling Dad died. But please don't wait for your hubby to die and release you before you get the life you love and deserve.