How can I stop this without being perceived as rude?

I'm in a similar situation, but I always plan to spend an hour or so talking to my brother before asking him to put mum on the phone. He has very little opportunity for conversation and he and I have very little in common, but we both grow fruit and vegetables, so that's always the topic of our conversation.

Could it be that your brother simply needs to have an opportunity to have a chat too Skydancer ?

Some people just want to dominate a conversation - whatever you do. It's a control thing. I'd get her a phone of her own, maybe pay the bill - and if she can text too, so much the better!

Why do you have to be careful about what you're saying? Are you concerned about how he is treating her or something?

Granny activist I like you have a brother who needs a good chat before I speak to my dad, so we chat for half an hour about family and plants generally, then I speak to dad. No problem-you just need a spare hour!

I don't think it is about being forceful, I think it is about being clear and specific. At the moment it is awkward, argumentative and miserable for all of you!

Do not assume that he will pick up what is the obvious to you. State clearly what you want and why and also take into account his needs so as I suggested upthread have times when you cha to him, probably separate from when you call to talk to Mum. You can then say clearly that you are ringing for a chat with him OR you are ringing for a chat with Mum.

These sort of situations are best dealt with by honest discussion rather than hints, aggression, passive aggressive comments or whatever

Good luck

Madgran77

I don't think it is about being forceful, I think it is about being clear and specific. At the moment it is awkward, argumentative and miserable for all of you!

Do not assume that he will pick up what is the obvious to you. State clearly what you want and why and also take into account his needs so as I suggested upthread have times when you cha to him, probably separate from when you call to talk to Mum. You can then say clearly that you are ringing for a chat with him OR you are ringing for a chat with Mum.

These sort of situations are best dealt with by honest discussion rather than hints, aggression, passive aggressive comments or whatever

Good luck

I quite agree. Sometimes pussyfooting around a subject just doesn’t work! My late mum was a bit like that and then got upset when she was walked all over like a carpet.

You have had lots of suggestions about phoning but wonder if you have seen your mum since she moved to your brother? Can you visit her? Maybe take her out if that’s possible. I hope she is settling ok and your brother is coping.
Caring is not easy, you will know that. How are you?

It is not rude to tell your brother outright you want to speak with your mother.

If your brother is so hungry for attention from you, can you devote a phone call now and again especially to him? Maybe he feels lonely or had problems he hesitates to speak about.