Care home for husband ?

I am going to sound judgemental, but really, is OP’s husband at the bottom of the pecking order in their family?
First the housework. OP says she does most of the chores (well that’s an improvement on some with husbands with dementia, life limiting illness or disability) - why not get a cleaner!
This boisterous dogs needs to be walked? Well the exercise is probably good for OP but if it is too much for her, there are dog walkers for perhaps a regular daily walk to give her some time to herself.
Finally - the daughter and grandchildren, OP doesn’t say how much time she spends and I’d be the last to discourage a couple of hours with the grandchildren - they probably make a change from her grumpy H.
Finally -H.
He is 80 - that’s not quite in his dotage, I count many 80 year olds among my friends, some in good health, most with joint replacements of one sort or another, some in better health than others - but none in their dotage.
These all sound like excuses - OP is clearly tired of having a H 17 years older than her - did she not see that coming?
It is hard to be locked into what sounds like a loveless relationship- or is it just inconvenient- but unless OP has a spare £4K or so available each month for a care home and indeed if her H likes the idea I think she may find it is not as easy as she seems to think.

OP is he getting any physio to help with his mobility. I don't think you've said when he had the accident last year so could be 6 months or 18 months but hopefully his mobility will improve and when he is more mobile and more able to care for himself you may want to plan for the future e.g. sell the family home and both go your own ways.

I have a couple of elderly relatives who have broken their hips, one several years older than your husband, and both had good results, probably not 100% but close.

I sympathise with the poster but think that with a little compromise on both sides life could be a lot easier for both of them. I am not a natural carer and am endlessly frustrated by DH’s utter lack of logic, and think some posters have a very rosy view of the help available because my experience is that there is remarkably little. Lots of suggestions here to pursue but don’t be too hopeful. The dog is obviously the easiest problem to solve, as is a cleaner, and both would give the poster a bit of respite. Good luck.

Please come back Notjustaprettyface and tell us what he can do and what he used to like when he was more mobile.

Also, if he wasn't grumpy would that be enough for you or is there a deeper problem?

Your first and easiest priority is a good dog trainer.

Then get in the local NHS physiologist and the NHS team who assess the physical needs of the disabled person.

You should assess your own housekeeping and cut it down to priorities. E.g. get rid of unnecessary furniture and small stuff, and make it easy to clean.

Psychologically you need to think of yourself as care giver and lower your expectations (such as they were)of your husband.

If you can sort out the practical issues that will give you more energy for dealing with an cantankerous patient.

I expect that I sounded judgemental too, but yes, I've been there and I really resented caring for a husband who'd become spiteful and violent at times. In my mind the 'ill version' was an entirely different person (my way of coping mentally) as the illness had taken over and destroyed a much loved partner. I was grieving for the one I lost - but caring for the imposter due to the love I still felt.

My GP said that if I couldn't cope I always had the option of just putting my coat on and leaving - not really practical when I'd be taking four kids, a dog and three cats with me, though.

A care home won't be the answer, either. I expect Notjustaprettyface will feel compelled to visit (daily) troubleshoot, monitor - and try to compensate for the failings she finds in the care provided. A particular problem is neglect at night. There are no minimum staffing requirements at night, when many elderly residents are wide awake.

A lot of people go downhill quickly in care (just look at the statistics on life expectancy) and relatives are left feeling guilty failures.

It's a big shock to find that there's not much help out there, your husband refuses it, you're on your own - and have to stick up for yourself. Mine spent an extra week in hospital once, when I said I was away and unavailable!

GrannySomerset

I sympathise with the poster but think that with a little compromise on both sides life could be a lot easier for both of them. I am not a natural carer and am endlessly frustrated by DH’s utter lack of logic, and think some posters have a very rosy view of the help available because my experience is that there is remarkably little. Lots of suggestions here to pursue but don’t be too hopeful. The dog is obviously the easiest problem to solve, as is a cleaner, and both would give the poster a bit of respite. Good luck.

Sorry you got little help but at least I know I'm not the only one. It sometimes feels like I'm in a different universe.

To add to my joy I am now immobile as I slipped last night, broke my ankle and I'm in alot of pain. Bloody awkward when you are the carer. Don't know how we are going to cope.

It does rather sound like you just want out. If he was 63, and you were 46, what would you have liked to have done then? You presumably wouldn’t be thinking care homes, more separation and divorce. Is that a route you could take? Would he need to be in a home so you could accomplish this?

It sounds like you’ve had enough, but because he’s so much older, it’s difficult.

Why not try talking it through. Have you ever done this? I think you need to work out a way of either working together, or working apart. Why did you put up with it for so long?

I wish you well whatever you decide to do.

Mr Notjusta is recovering from a broken hip, OP doesn't say that he needs personal care, just that he doesn't really do anything and is grumpy. He sounds bored, still in pain and cross with life in general! DH was similar, and although he was resistant to the idea at first. agreed to try a mobility scooter. He's now off to watch local cricket, bowls, football, and potter about the town. OP's DH could perhaps do the same, and take the dog out himself? Also, get a carer's assessment and perhaps try a carers' course, meet other people in the same situation and sometimes other people's solutions to problems can be very helpful.

Why do I think OP is unlikely to return?

I reckon you might be right MawBe!

In fact OP,does not mention any care she has to give husband.
Having mobility issues surely does not automatically mean a lot of “care”.
I think she’s just fed up with her grumpy old husband! In which case she has a decision to make doesn’t she ?