Care home for husband ?

Carers not careers!

Is there a day care centre nearby that he can go to for a day or two a week ?
A lot of these centres are beginning to open up now and just for you to have a day off for your self and for husband to perhaps widen his social circle may help both of you.
Added to the fact that he may see that he isn't the only one that has mobility problems like he has. A lot of the day cares will provide transport.

Luckygirl The figures I quoted are Average costs, taken from www.carehome.uk and updated by them April 2021 I know care home costs can be far higher, as a family member recently was paying similar to yourself.

Good ideas on here I think
- Day care to get a break (both of you)
- Cut down on commitments
- Change the way you think about your relationship

Lots of people have been there.

Also, what can he do? I would be very grumpy in his place if the answer was absolutely nothing.

Good luck.

Aldom - I went to see cheaper homes and there is no way on this earth that I would have allowed my OH to set foot in them.

So sorry to hear about your difficult situation. You are the same sort of age as I am, but my difficult husband took himself off several years ago. I do have experience of my father breaking his hip and expecting my mum who was at that time over 90 to do all the looking after. Thank heavens she did, in the end, get carers sorted out as she found herself in the hospital herself, with an injury sustained while caring for him.
I would say that it would be sensible all-around to get both his care needs assessed and your needs assessed. And a benefits check, are you entitled to anything because of looking after him. And is he entitled to a blue badge? That can make things a lot easier even just going to the doctor or the hospital. Does he need a stairlift, special chair, loo seat , caddy for his zimmer, etc while these must have been checked when he was discharged home is this still enough? Sit down and think through what he expects you to do and what he actually needs. Doesn't sound as if he needs your company to does it. He may want you to do things for him but could do them himself. What [apart from not having the old curmudgeon around the place] would make life better for you, what do you need to give up to skivvy around him. Don't give up helping our daughter or your dog, you need to have something for yourself. Would it help to have a cleaner, a gardener, or to have more ready prepared meals for times you are busy? Go for whatever it takes, it will be much cheaper than a home.

No, you can't unilaterally put him in a home, if he has his faculties. You also can't force him to go today centres or anything like that, although the community nurse or social services might be able to persuade him to go, for his health's sake, I visit one in normal times and the old guys sit together, b choice, and play dominos etc, but it sounds as if he would not enjoy that either. But you could unilaterally get carers.
But you don't need to be his nursemaid. Honestly, if my now ex-husband had needed care he would have been similar to yours, although the age gap was not that great and it would have been an absolute nightmare and am so glad I won't be in that situation. He never helped me when I had problems at all, even when for instance, I had a nasty burn on my hand and needed to keep it dry, I still had to do the washing up, I could keep it dry but it was painful to put the hand in warm water, no help with washing either, or other things that were harder because of my hand being bandaged up, for example, I had to be at death's door before I could rely on any help from him with anything throughout our marriage if I was poorly or injured.
At this point, you have to consider that if you did divorce, would take both your needs into account, and he would obviously have lots of needs, and you probably would face criticism for abandoning him, even though his behaviour is so very unreasonable. But you yourself need an assessment as a carer for someone with these additional needs
Does his child or children keep in touch with him, would he listen to them [I assume not] but are you in a good enough relationship with them to discuss things?
Your story is really a good reason why no one should stay in an unhappy marriage

Wildswan had a good idea, changing the relationship in your head, instead of wife and lover become his nurse. He has to understand that you cannot manage on your own, wether he likes it or not he has to accept others helping. Make a stand now or it will get worse.

You need to get the rest of his family behind that way of coping contributing to care if they can, you need your own time off duty or your own health will suffer. Thinking forward, make sure you get enough control of the finances, when the time comes for power of attourney.

Luckygirl I absolutely agree with you.

can I point out that you can't unilaterally make someone go to day care or respite either

PS I'd be getting a financial POA NOW or at least making a clear formal divide between your finances and assets

Thanks for all the advice
I now know I can’t put him in a care home against his will but he has suggested it himself although I don’t think he means it
Anyway the cost is shocking !
He wouldn’t go to a day care either
I have thought about respite care but a week of it round here starts at £950’!
He is besotted with the dog and won’t let me use a dog walker
So this is why it’s so difficult
Our grown up children don’t really offer to help and when I say I am tired , all they say is ´ but what can we do to help mum ? ´

You deserve a life too and if your husband really will not accept help then I would be looking as other options. See a solicitor to find out how you stand financially. Maybe a trial separation? If your marriage has been unhappy it must be very difficult caring for that person especially if they are not prepared to make any compromises. As another poster has said the situation may only get worse.

Notjustaprettyface my mil wouldn’t go to a day centre. Then the community nurse arrived took her off in their car so she could see what it was like. If your husband is thinking of it maybe he could just go for one day to see if he likes it or not.

I think you need a break, so try and fix up respite care so you can get away for a while.

Why are you helping your daughter with child-care, instead of her helping you look after her father or step-father?

We can all of us only do so much and feeling tired or resentful all the time only makes it harder.

A lot of men (most of them) react to adversity by being grumpy.

Reading your text I think we all felt at first sight that your husband has every right to feel grumpy, being grudginly helped be a wife who resents him, but you probably didn't mean your post to come across like that - you are just at the end of your tether.

So my suggestions are:
Respite care
A straight talk with your daughter asking her to help you, or at least make other arrangements for child-care
Find a dog walker to take the dog for a long walk every day, and you can still take it for shorter ones to get out of the house
Find someone who will come in for two hours once a week, so you can get out and do whatever you like for that time.

My mother was a right pain in the a* for the last three years of her life and we all, my father, my sister, the home helps and I exploded or broke down in tears at times. And we all knew the feeling that we just had to get out.

Rain or shine, I rode my bike for the hour that she slept in the afternoon, just to get away. So I know how you are feeling right now.

Sit down with your husband and tell him that you just cannot cope with looking after him, the house, the dog, the cooking and cleaning all on your own.

He may not like the carers, but you need them coming in regularly.

If you can afford it, get a cleaner too and send the laundry out, if no-one will come and do it for you. Otherwise bung it in the washing-machine and then in the dryer and don't iron anything!

If you cant rely on family to give you a break, you are going to have to look into other options. Respite is expensive but have you been assessed by social services? could you claim attendance allowance for example? This could be saved up and paid towards 'respite'. You need to contact social services really or one of the organisations that can help you navigate what is available locally to you and for support for yourself

A very difficult position for you to be in Notjustaprettyface but there are things you can do to try and make life easier for yourself, as have already been suggested.

In addition, if using a dog walker will make life easier than do so. Don't allow him to dictate on a matter that only impacts on you. He isn't having to walk a lively dog so this should be your decision, not his.

When your AC ask what they can do to help, tell them. Dog walking springs to mind for example and you could think of other things that may ease your burden and simply ask them.

Perhaps if helping your D with her two young children is in your own home, this is something you need to look at. A lively and no doubt noisy 2 year old wont help your H's grumpiness, no matter how lovely s/he is.

Notjustaprettyface, personally, I'd consider getting a dog walker (or even rehoming your dog) and seeing far less of your grandchildren - before even thinking about a care home (so called).

He's your husband, after all (not just a nuisance) so needs your loyalty and devotion in his final years. How would you feel if it were you?

Luckygirl, spot on. It was a real shock looking at care homes for my wheelchair-bound 89 year old mother.

Many were so awful that I wouldn't even leave my dog there for a day.

She lived in three during her last year (all 'luxury' ones) - all inadequate, a last resort too, although the last was a little better. Here (North London) it was £1,250 a week four years ago!

Did it not occur to you when you married a man 17 years older than you that this situation (being your DH carer, not the personal relationship) was likely to happen?

M0nica we can't exactly help who we fall in love with.

I doubt notjust would have fallen for the grumpy person he is just now!

What is it he can do - or could do if there were some home modifications?
What did he used to enjoy?
I once helped an old (to me) gentleman go fishing again through a charity. It really gave him something to look forward to and really helped his wife who needed a break.

That is a really good suggestion NotSpaghetti I do find the judgement on family/spouse carers harsh no one asks to become a carer for someone, it's not a choice they have made and they need a lot more support than society in general ever gives them. There is an element of becoming invisible too, people just don't ask how carers are and they don't like carers being anything other than positive. It's obvious on this thread too unfortunately.

Aldom

I agree with most of what has been said up thread. You mentioned care home costs. If you have to pay then the average residential home costs £2,816 per month and for a nursing home £3,552 per month.
I cared for my husband for ten years. It was extremely hard work, but for me it was a labour of love. I can sympathise with you if you are in a loveless relationship. Was your husband always 'grumpy' or has his personality changed with his mobility difficulties? Is he also unhappy and resentful? Possibly he is in pain. I hope life improves for you both.

A lot depends where you live re the costs. Here in Greater Manchester, a care home is around £900 a week ie £3,600 every four weeks. You can get advice re the finances and how they are split simply by a quick online search which you ought to do now. Your house will be disregarded if you live in it and any joint savings split between you both then only your husbands money will be assessed.

But you really are not at that stage yet, you could get help for yourself to give you free time eg hire a cleaner, gardener, dog Walker etc.

However, some help with looking at your relationship might be the first thing to consider as it appears that you are very unhappy and might not want to remain with your husband any longer.

Book if you can with your GP and tell them you need help from the social services as you are no longer coping.
You need someone night and morning and a cleaner.
Pleasant as it might be and a break to see your daughter and grandchildren make sure it is one not you doing the running around.
I knew someone who married a chap 21 years older than them. It was alright for the first 20 years but got hard when they were still working and the partner going to the pub and backing horses. Then a terminal illness came along and they were coping with teenagers as well.
You shouldn't feel guilty about how you feel all our feelings change over the years and what was fun and frivolous in our 20 can be tedious and boring when we feel underappreciated. It's you who needs help and quick. Shout for it ,

Notspaghetti I know that but when two people plan together for a joint future, surely that forms part of the planning.

I had an aunt 12 years older than her husband and she had plans, not only for her predeceasing him, but also the possibility that she might outlive him, which was always on the books.

How can he stop you getting a dog walker?