Care home for husband ?

He has to understand that you cannot manage on your own, wether he likes it or not he has to accept others helping. Make a stand now or it will get worse.

This is so right.

Contact your GP and he will arrange for social services to give you assistance in looking after your husband.You will also receive respite. 'Over the top as suggested to 'extract yourself'

JaneJudge

That is a really good suggestion NotSpaghetti I do find the judgement on family/spouse carers harsh no one asks to become a carer for someone, it's not a choice they have made and they need a lot more support than society in general ever gives them. There is an element of becoming invisible too, people just don't ask how carers are and they don't like carers being anything other than positive. It's obvious on this thread too unfortunately.

This is so true. A young mum at my GCs school was struggling with children, fulltime job and a husband with a serious illness, potentially terminal but fortunately he did recover. One day I asked how she was coping and she cried, she said no one ever asked her just asked about him and of course he was so brave etc. I said he has no choice, you are the brave one because you could walk away but you haven't.

She stopped me a few days later and said she felt so much better, she hadn't thought of how brave she was but it had done alot for her morale.

If there is one thing that everyone could easily do it is ask the carer how they are.

Daisend1

Contact your GP and he will arrange for social services to give you assistance in looking after your husband.You will also receive respite. 'Over the top as suggested to 'extract yourself'

It varies. I have LPA for elderly relative and her local authority were totally useless and didn't do one thing to help. The idea that they'd arrange respite is just so far fetched. Where I live it is much better, it really shouldn't be a postcode lottery.

You always sound such a nice person theworriedwell, I hope that isn't a weird thing to post

Our local authority is awful. You really do need advocacy to get anything to happen at all. I have become a warrior in all honesty and my daughter's file most probably has 'DIFFICULT MOTHER' written on the top of it but I've realised that I am the only permanent fixture who contributes to decisions and the social workers, carers and everyone else are just temporary and I know better than they do. People need a lot more support to get to that point though.

Oh and I'm judged, I'm judged by lots of people who absolutely NO IDEA who I am or what I have been through.

Thank you JaneJudge, that's a nice thing to say.

One of my kids is a teacher and further trained to be a SENCO. When they qualified I said, "Don't blame parents for being pushy, they've been fighting for their child for at least 11 years before they get to you (she was at a senior school) and you will have to earn their trust." I hope it was good advice and parents did come to value her, but it did take a few tough months.

I hope your child as a SENCO with a mum like me

I'm sure she is marvellous

I’m coming at this from a different perspective as I’m horrified that the majority view is that you should sacrifice your happiness to be a handmaiden for a grumpy man with whom you live in an unhappy marriage. Please, OP, consider your own happiness and think about how YOU would like to live out YOUR twilight years.

I write as the middle-aged daughter of a father who died four weeks ago and who, in all honesty, could often be (very) unpleasant to my mother. On paper, their marriage lasted nearly 60 years and would be a good news story. In truth, nobody could pay me enough money to have lived the life my mother did with my father. And I DID love him in all his gloriously complex human frailty. In some ways, I’m relieved for my mum that my dad has died as he can’t pick at her endlessly. Sadly, she can’t really enjoy her peace as she is newly diagnosed with dementia. She also has a number of severe auto-immune conditions that mean she is housebound; and I would bet my house on the fact that she is profoundly ill, due to the enduring stress of living with my grumpy and hypercritical father.

Honestly, I think it’s okay for you to consider your husband going into a care home, especially as you say it’s what he wants.

I think the majority of responses here have been from posters who have been fortunate enough to enjoy happy and life-enriching relationships with their other halves. I simply wanted to give a perspective about a woman who has lived a very small and unhappy life in her quest to put duty before her own happiness and peace of mind.

Good luck, OP.

Second hand electric wheelchair so the poor chap can get out wouldn’t be as expensive as a respite care home and give him an incentive to not be demanding and grumpy he could even take the dog or be with you when you walk the dog it sounds as if your share of attention and love is now given to the dog
Is he grumpy because he’s bored and lost his independence
We have a mobility shop in our town where you can hire them for a day /week /month etc
You don’t mention his faculties being gone just his hip and 80 isn’t that old in this day and age Many very astute people on here are well over 80 and still got lots of life in them

I think the majority of responses here have been from posters who have been fortunate enough to enjoy happy and life-enriching relationships with their other halves.

barbamama you are jumping to big old conclusions there I think there are plenty of people on gransnet who have far from ideal, fulfilling or even happy marriages me included so I did the honest thing and removed myself from the unhappy marriage I brought my children up alone sooner than have them brought up in a dysfunctional family

Barbamama I agree completely with you, I have found the responses unusual to be honest, also there is nothing worse than being cared for by someone who doesnt want to do it, it is awful and possibly dangerous for the person receiving care.

Your dh can want you to be his carer but you, OP, also have a choice in this matter.

You are also a person and can call the shots in what you can do or not do for him - you matter!

Your dh has to understand compromises have to be made - daycare, carers, respite care, etc - whatever works for you

If he boycotts all your efforts, a hard decision has to be made

It is not unusual for the person that needs care to be inflexible with their requests.

Can want = he can desire and demand anything he wants
I know it is not fully grammatically correct

@BlueBelle, honestly, I meant no offence, and I agree, I have brought up my two children solo. I’m just a bit surprised that the prevailing view is that the OP should just put up with her unhappy lot. And people are tying themselves up in knots to find ‘solutions’ that would keep her grumpy husband at home, even though he says he wants to go into a care home - and she wants him to. Truly, I think it’s okay to admit our limitations in life and decide where our lines in the sand lie.

I’m more commonly found on Mumsnet rather than Gransnet so maybe I’m out of synch with the gender divide attitudes here? (I felt like I’d time-travelled back to the 1940s reading some of the responses, I’m sorry to say.

I actually think gender and generational attitudes are a really interesting discussion to be had but maybe not on this thread. I am in my 40s so not old but I think the expectations on women, wives and mothers still continue and society does expect women to pick up the tab and people really don't like honesty around the issues carers face. It's why I always suggest the carers organisations as I think they can be an outlet for people to explore how they feel.

Carers aren't dropped from the sky with a halo to polish and as you say galaxy, those being cared for deserve to cared for properly too. I do think limitations are things that are really overlooked and will continue to be because of lack of funding

If I were your husband I'd be pretty grumpy too. You can find time to look after the dog and your very young grandchildren but you don't want to care for your husband. That said, you also seem to be ruled by your husband in that he won't let you get a dog walker or a carer. You obviously need to have that conversation about life balance and how his needs can't come before yours. Maybe if he would give a little and you gave a little, you would feel a little less resentful and he would feel less grumpy.
You can also get a carer's assessment from your Local Authority and and they can help arrange respite care, carers, some company for him, etc. They will look at your savings and tell you what you need to pay. They can also look at whether you are entitled to benefits to pay someone. It might be worth exploring.
If he is suggesting going into a home as a way of guilt tripping you, take him to see some and talk about it as if it is a done deal. He might become more responsive to an alternative.

Barbamama

@BlueBelle, honestly, I meant no offence, and I agree, I have brought up my two children solo. I’m just a bit surprised that the prevailing view is that the OP should just put up with her unhappy lot. And people are tying themselves up in knots to find ‘solutions’ that would keep her grumpy husband at home, even though he says he wants to go into a care home - and she wants him to. Truly, I think it’s okay to admit our limitations in life and decide where our lines in the sand lie.

I’m more commonly found on Mumsnet rather than Gransnet so maybe I’m out of synch with the gender divide attitudes here? (I felt like I’d time-travelled back to the 1940s reading some of the responses, I’m sorry to say.

I don't think she has to do anything but it is important to remember he doesn't have to go into a home if he has capacity to make decisions

My elderly relative was a danger to herself and others, me included as the stress of trying to sort things out was making me ill, but social services, the hospital, the GP wouldn't help. At 83 with dementia she actually assaulted the manager at one home I took her to see. I eventually employed a private social worker who arranged everything and got her into a home that had a manager with enough about her to manage to hang onto her until a deprivation of liberties could be done and that took weeks. It was truly the most stressful thing I've ever coped with and I say that as someone who has been my husband's carer for 30 years so I wasn't entirely naive about the system.

The thing that is hard to get your head round (well it was for me) was someone can be making very bad decisions, even very dangerous decisions but if they have capacity there is nothing you can do about it.

At least I wasn't sharing a home with her, it must be even harder in the OPs position because if he won't go into a home what does she do? Leave if she has anywhere to go or stay and do nothing for him. I think it would be harder to do than to say.

It's also important to remember that if the LA don't agree he needs a home they won't pay anything towards a care home even if he has no resources. I couldn't get anything other than attendance allowance for my relative although she couldn't possibly continue to live alone, she was locking carers out and refusing to have shopping delivered but assuring the social worker she was eating and the social worker was quite happy to accept that without further proof.

If this government can sort out social care I will be totally amazed but very impressed.

And it's really hard to talk about I have watched this happen a couple of times to people I know but would feel disloyal talking about it even on an anonymous forum. Caring is a skill, and not everyone is suited to it.

That’s a bit rude to say you ve gone bavk to the 1940s Barbarmana*
I m not saying the original poster should look after him just that there’s two sides to the story he’s broken a hip not got dementia or Parkinson’s or a terminal illness he may be unhappy, in pain, bored, lost control can’t take his dog out etc etc Poster sounds as if she should have got out of the relationship years ago and just because she didn’t doesn’t mean she has the right to decide to put the old boy into a care home and she does say although he said he’d go in a care home she doesn’t think he means it
I fell sorry for both people in this equation and there needs to be a compromise
I still don’t see why he can’t use an electric mobility scooter to get out wouldn’t you be grumpy stuck in

@BlueBelle, in your opinion, maybe. In mine, not. Shall we flip a coin? Honestly, I don’t want to argue with you but you seem to be taking everything very personally.

We’ve been given a very brief snapshot into a poster’s life and you and I have given our opinions, whether welcome or not, based on the learning from our own individual lived experiences.

I am reading what you are reading but I am drawing my own conclusions, as are you. For all we know, and the OP hasn’t said this, the adult children could be staying away as they have endured years of their father’s grumpy, unpleasant behaviour, especially if they don’t want their own children to be on the receiving end?

Maybe the OP would like to have the ability to be able to travel back in time to a place where she felt emotionally, socially and financially able to have left her relationship? Or maybe, like my own mother, she’s been so brow-beaten over the years and decades by a ‘grumpy’ husband, who won’t even allow her to make her life easier by organising a dog walker for their mutual pet, that she is unable to make a decision that would benefit her own existence. I am surprised by what I consider your victim blaming approach ie she should have made her escape years ago but now it’s too late. I would beg to differ: life is very short and we are all entitled to live the very best life we are able without any obligation or duty to those who simply do not appreciate, value or treat us well.

And, please, don’t try to shut me down because we don’t agree with each other.

What about some respite care for a week every few months(Social Services can help but there will be a charge), to give you a break, and perhaps some type of help around the house for yourself to help. Does he have any other family beside you and your daughter? Could someone give you an hour or two weekly that would also give you some " me time". It is hard being a full time carer ( I know I am one to my husband) But at the end of the day how would you feel if you roles had been reversed and you had been the one to have the fall and he just put you in a home.

I would think that you need an assessment from social services to work out what's assistance you need. In our area you would need to contact Adult Social Care. I also know of cases where the cost of care has been met by the council. Depends on circumstances. You don't know what help you may get unless you ask. You could also get your children to walk the dog on a regular basis to start.

Barbarama, “somebody” has to care for her husband in his declining years, divorcing him and walking away is easy but doesn’t solve the problem, the OP is trying to do the best, without killing herself.
She says she has been married a long time and wants to care for him but needs help, a friend had a similar problem, it was solved by some tough talking and her husband accepting that he had to be reasonable in his demands, help was organized, family helped too.

Esspee

This is a warning to those in an unhappy relationship. Get out now.

My thoughts exactly on reading this

Reading the op again, if husband has “only” a broken hip surely this doesn’t mean a whole army of carers, respite care etc?

Rather than spend money on care homes surely just pay to have a cleaner, a gardener etc.

Stand your ground, talk to husband about what you will and won’t do and do some things for yourself for goodness sake. Alternatively do you want to separate ?