To stay or go?

I've tried in the past but he's not a talker. He just goes very quiet.

What is the financial situation can you just up and leave or do you have financial ties.

You could be missing out on meeting a good partner. How old is your daughter?

I'm financially independent. We both put equal equity into the house., It's a nice house in a nice area so would sell. With my equity I could buy with a small mortgage. Daughter is 16 and told me last week I need to make some big changes in my life to bring in more joy. We were talking about work life balance.

Please set a good example for your daughter

Would you want her to be in this situation in the future?

Does he know you are unhappy with your living arrangements ?

Speak to him about how you go forward, what you want to happen, what he wants and feels. Only you two can decide if the relationship is worth saving or if you are going to work towards parting.

Points to consider, because it is not always easy to walk away, sometimes simply changing one set of problems for another.

What do you get out of this relationship?
What would you miss if he left?
Do you get financial security, enjoy having a man about the house, do shared activities, have someone to talk to?
Or are you living parallel lives?
Was he always like this or has the situation changed?
And of paramount importance: are you happy?

He definitely knows I'm unhappy. I've given up making the effort. I no longer suggest going out as I feel it's always me doing that. So far he has offered to cook twice and bought me some flowers. He hasn't asked why I'm unhappy and I haven't started the conversation because I am frightened of where it will lead.

I haven't started the conversation because I am frightened of where it will lead.

You both sound very unhappy. He doesn't know what to say to you, and you don't talk to him. What an unhappy atmosphere for your DD to grow up in. You may find that you are better living apart, may even get on better, it works for some people.

Definitely just a house share. What bothers me in these more progressive days, is how many women are drawn to difficult relationships. Relationships where they are generally unhappy and appear to me, to be treated as second class citizens. Women who can’t seem to stand up for themselves, or afraid to. Why is this? If my OH behaved in the ways in which so many of those mentioned on GN do, I’m afraid he would have got short shrift. Is it perhaps the inbuilt view of a lot of women, that they can only be complete if there is a man at her side? Surely it is understood that this doesn’t have to be the case any more.

Localandlost, I am so very sorry to hear of your sadness. I am afraid to say that like me, you are with a selfish, thoughtless, self absorbed, ignorant pig of a man who does not deserve any of your love and attention, or you still in his life. Unlike myself, you can be financially independent of this man as you have a good job. I am making my plans as we speak for a better future for myself. As others have said this is also not a healthy relationship for your daughter either. I know, like me, you will have doubts about the future but we only get one life and there is no repeat. He will never change. Personally I blame my husbands parents for bringing up such a self centered, thoughtless individual but then his father also treated his mother like a modern day slave. Good luck, there is lots of support on here. I hope you find a much happier life x

Susysue

Localandlost, I am so very sorry to hear of your sadness. I am afraid to say that like me, you are with a selfish, thoughtless, self absorbed, ignorant pig of a man who does not deserve any of your love and attention, or you still in his life. Unlike myself, you can be financially independent of this man as you have a good job. I am making my plans as we speak for a better future for myself. As others have said this is also not a healthy relationship for your daughter either. I know, like me, you will have doubts about the future but we only get one life and there is no repeat. He will never change. Personally I blame my husbands parents for bringing up such a self centered, thoughtless individual but then his father also treated his mother like a modern day slave. Good luck, there is lots of support on here. I hope you find a much happier life x

??????

I don't understand why you are worried about initiating the conversation Localandlost you are clearly unhappy now. You can either decide to try and make things better between you or leave the relationship. Surely either have got to be better than how things are now.

Cooked for himself ... was that when you came in late because of work? Maybe jealous of your job but being a bloke expresses it by sulking, cooking for himself.

Worrying is that he seems 'unconcerned' about your health problems. Is this a communication issue or simply the relationship is dead. Cards on the table time. If you still love each other, sort it out.
Best of luck!

So, if he read your posts here, would it be a shock? Surprise? Or does he know it already? Is your daughter his as well? You said he has a son.
Honestly, I can imagine how hard it would be to change something you’ve been used to for 12 years, but you’re over halfway there. You’ve got your own money, you sound independent, or very easily could be. You’ve got a good job. Your daughter sounds like she has her head screwed on, and will be of valuable help.
The only thing left is to try and talk, but sounds like you’ve exhausted that.
Easy to say I know, but you’ve no life at the minute. Go for it. Sort out somewhere to rent temporarily, and just go.
I wish you well, and do let us know how everything goes.?

Thanks all. You are right. I know I need to talk to him, whether he wants to hear it or not. I can't continue as I am. I had just got myself in a tizz thinking I was looking for something that didn't exist.

Regarding my job. It's been the same since we met, just in different organisations. He enjoys the benefits of it...I can support myself, go halves on everything etc.

Please get out of the victim mentality. You need to take charge of the situation NOW, enough time has been wasted.

If anything, your daughter is the innocent victim of how she has been raised.

No, you dont need to talk to him. Not at all!
What do you think that will achieve?

You need to make a decision for yourself and your daughter - actions speak louder than words

Talk to a lawyer today and reclaim your life, if you are truly ready for a change.

Morning all. I decided to tell him how I'm feeling. I felt that was the fair thing to do. I told him I couldn't carry on as I was, that I'm really struggling and that what we have is a house share. He tried to blame it all on covid restrictions preventing us doing anything together. Told him that wasn't the case. He's now avoiding me or pretending that conversation never happened.

So what is your next step?

He showed you he doesnt care

I think you need to decide if you really care about him or not. If you do perhaps you should get some counselling both together and individually. It may only lead you to further along the road to seperation but you would have the concillation that you did your very best and be more prepared to move on personally. Good Luck.

Leave. It takes a bit of courage, and of course you should find out the legal/financial position you'll be in, but take my example as proof you're doing the right thing ... I had 2 horrid marriages and 1 awful long term relationsip, and then I met the best man in the world who loved me unconditionally and was the bravest, kindest, most generous spirited soul you could hope to meet. I was 37 with 1 child, he was 46, and we spent 30 wonderful years together until he died from Covid last May. But someone like my man is who you deserve. Don't settle for the creep you've described.

So sorry to hear that poshpaws. Sending you a hug. ❣️

I am on the same page as Poshpaws.
Sorry to hear of your loss Poshpaws i hope the 30 happy years can keep you going.

Life is precious. Existing is not the right choice.x

Gosh there’s a lot of militant women on here ready to hang, draw and quarter the poor bloke.
I think you need to clearly communicate with him before you throw the baby out with the dishwater. Talking to him doesn’t work very well does it. He gets defensive and stops listening and you can’t help but get emotional which is not surprising.
What I found works is writing it all down in as unemotional way as you can manage and then leaving him the letter to read when you aren’t around. Tell him in bullet points so that it is clear and understandable. Tell him what he does wrong and right, and also say what you think your faults are. Do not threaten leaving etc.I think, that you need to give it your absolute best shot at fixing things, before moving on to end things, if you have to.
You must surely have loved him once, enough to marry him at any rate.
If your hours at work are not regular and predictable perhaps he starts cooking for himself and by the time you get home it’s too late to enlarge the portion.
IMHO, it sounds to me that he is lost and doesn’t know what to do, so has retreated into himself. You sound to me like a very independent and capable woman that actually doesn’t need him and he knows it.

Bluebellwould- I think your last paragraph is spot on.
I wonder if he is just expecting you to leave him in the imminent future?

Do you love him?

If you have to hesitate before answering then make a plan to go, to be settled before the new school term .

Love for him has nothing to do.

Love for yourself and your daughter is the key