To stay or go?

As others have said, the relationship is over. I’d get my ducks in a row and leave. Don’t make a song & dance about it. No point scoring, just pack up and go. May the power be with you.

Hithere

Love for him has nothing to do.

Love for yourself and your daughter is the key

Love for him has everything to do with what happens. If she leaves because she no longer cares for him that's fine. If she leaves with feelings for him she is likely to spend a long time wondering if she has done the right thing. And that would stop her loving herself (it's called guilt).

Only you can decide OP.

PM sent

Trisher

Justifying staying in an already dead relationship where one partner is checked out and the other is unhappy just because one loves the other one is very teenagerish and shows lack of maturity

I can understand a teenager thinking this - learning from life takes time

A grown up woman with kids? Not at all.
Choose to stay in a relationship that makes you unhappy and your partner doesn't care how you feel but don't whine and complain about it.

Unfortunately the world does think just one way, Thankfully.

pm you

No message in my inbox

Hithere

Trisher

Justifying staying in an already dead relationship where one partner is checked out and the other is unhappy just because one loves the other one is very teenagerish and shows lack of maturity

I can understand a teenager thinking this - learning from life takes time

A grown up woman with kids? Not at all.
Choose to stay in a relationship that makes you unhappy and your partner doesn't care how you feel but don't whine and complain about it.

Hitheregoing for counselling as a couple and individually to explore if anything remains and to examine your own emotions is about as grown up as you can get.
So I don't know who suggested "just staying in a relationship".
How you get out is as important as doing it.

You say he goes quiet so you don’t know how to discuss things with him. If he’s quiet it doesn’t mean he’s not listening and you need to keep talking to him. That’s 50/50 really, I think, unless you used to be different together. It sounds like you have such a close relationship with your daughter and he doesn’t really have a close relationship with anyone atm. It seems like you’ve already given up on him, if so it’s time to go. If not, suggest counselling then, hopefully, he will have to talk. If he refuses you know it’s not important enough to him to try to save your relationship.

do a list of pluses and minuses
#keep a bit of a journal going forward with both of those
If you think it's not worth staying [maybe some personal counselling might help with this] start making plans for what next
You're not married, so hope the house is in joint names, it would be a good idea maybe, to get some legal advice as to where you both stand with dividing up the assets
It's not unreasonable to eat earlier if he was hungry and you will be late, but not to make just a meal for himself, if he is hungry you and your daughter will be as well, that is where it becomes unreasonable. Or he could have a snack perhaps and eat with you
As for not taking an interest in your health scares and the results of tests, well that sort of thing in retrospect is what my then husband did when he started checking out of the marriage. Would a friend do that?

He is close to his brother and parents but not close enough to talk through what's happening at home. He clearly heard what I said as he's been helpful this weekend.
The cooking thing is him just not thinking. It's not just because I'm at work. I can come out the shower and he's started cooking for himself!
My friend thinks I should leave.

OP

What would you tell your dd if she was in this situation?

I would tell her to leave. She's worth much more.

So if your daughter is worth much more, why not you?

Honest answer? Because I don't think I am. I had a very difficult, poor childhood. I escaped and have worked hard to get a profession. I have more than I ever dreamed of then. A lovely home, good job, beautiful daughter with whom I have a relationship which is so far away from what I had with my parents.

so with all those assets, job, daughter etc, why bother remaining in this situation that is not enhancing your life.
what would make your daughter more happy; you continuing like this, forever, and her saying when she is old, oh it was such a waste that mother never really lived her own life, by and for herself, or her rejoicing in your extricating yourself from the baneful effect of your dismal childhood.
make her happy. don't linger in self-imposed punishment.

Low self esteem is a horrible place to be, I have been there

It is so worth looking for help and addressing it.

Is he “better than nothing?” Some women stay because their self esteem is so low they can’t imagine leaving “nothing “ behind.

This is not a rehearsal.

Hi Localandlost. What is 'the dream you are chasing'? If it includes this man in particular, maybe initiate a conversation with him about your relationship? There is a lack of intimacy, a great distance between you and in my experience, this will not improve without effort on both sides. It's risky to start such a conversation but how long can you endure this rift?

I want someone who not only loves me but shows it. Not in grand gestures (although an occasional one would be nice!) but in day to day care of me. Listening when I talk, making an odd meal, shared interests...etc. I see my friends having this and think 'why don't I have that?'. I do know he loves me. I just don't feel it.

its gone through now sorry u had to go to emergency vet

Even if he loves you, he doesnt provide what you need.

What are you planning to do about it?

I think you really know the answer to your own dilemma, L. Sad but true........

At the moment I don't know. He's trying still. Came home to a cooked meal (finally!). He's still avoiding it. I feel like now I can't say all that's been bothering me because he's trying. He's finally heard that I've had enough but I don't want to slip back as he won't keep this up then I'm back where I started. I just need to say again that I can't carry on...it took me ages to get to that last time and here I am again.