Husband becoming obsessed with much younger single neighbour

Bettinalove, I have absolutely nothing useful to say except to wish you well.

Please see if there is a way of not having him home for now?
Please look after yourself first of all and be brave.

He is not the man you married.

I am so sorry you are going through this. X

Best wishes to you, Bettina

Bettinalove you are in a most difficult place presently and my heart goes out to you. I'm glad to see that others have brought up the issue of your safety if/when he returns to the home. This is a huge issue and must be given priority by the authorities and your loved ones. Please do not agree under any circumstances for him to live at the home with you or to even enter the home without others present.

You can only get through this one day at a time and you will get through it. Lean on those that support you. Find your voice and shout if necessary. As others have said so well, he is no longer the man you married. You must protect yourself now.

I’m so sorry for you and agree with all the advice given since your last post.
One of you needs to live elsewhere for your safety and sanity. Could DS2 take him?

Sadly I really do think that you cannot be at home alone with him and you must stand your ground on this as your safety is paramount.

He is suffering delusions and is angry with you because he sees you as standing in the way as his fantasy of happiness with the neighbour. He sincerely believes this, even though you know it is a delusion. But that sincere belief means that his anger could take a physical form and you must not allow yourself to be at risk.

I have good reason to say this - I was told to be very careful about my own safety during my late OH's delusional state.

I am sorry that you are facing these challenges.

I am so sorry.

What kind of husband was he before?
I agree with an MRI to rule out any other medical issues

He must remain in professional care, nobody (his sons, daughter) must take him home, especially kids are around

Please do not take him back home. Move out if he is back.

If he gets out of the hospital, the neighbour must be informed asap.

Bless you, I’m so sorry for you, but glad things are happening, and he’s getting the help he needs. Try to see it as the beginning of something much better, but there’s a few twists and turns first.

Absolutely don’t go backwards. Thankfully you have such supportive children who can help you through this. Don’t live under the same roof again.

68 these days is still young. Going back to work may open avenues you never thought possible. I wish you well, and hope you find peace and happiness.

God bless ?

Ps... my husband says why should he come home and you move out. If it’s shown he’s well mentally, then there’s no reason why he can’t sort himself out. He chose it.

I am so sorry you're going through this Bettinalove. There's nothing I can add to all the very good advice on here. My thoughts are with you. Big hugs.

Bettinalove it was good of you to update your friends here. Your husband is obviously suffering from some form of mental disorder and I hope the doctors get to the bottom of it very soon. I’m sure your son will tell them about the different behaviours he displays to them and to your son, in other words ‘pretending’ to the doctors.
Can your son also speak to the hospital social worker about the fears he has for your own safety if your husband is discharged home as your husband will perceive you as standing between him and the neighbour he has become fixated with? It may be that he can also speak to the local police about this; perhaps they would be willing to liaise with the social worker about the threats his discharge may pose to you and others.
I’m glad you have set up your own bank account and I hope you have transferred at least half your joint money into it. May I also suggest that you speak to a solicitor about your own position in all this. Some solicitors are specially trained in working with the elderly - I’m not suggesting you fall into this category but they would have met this sort of problem before. You can find a specialist local solicitor from the website Solicitors For The Elderly. If you can do this take some notes with you and if your son could go with you that would be very helpful. The solicitor will give you good advice about where you stand legally and how best to protect yourself and your interest in your home, which I assume you either own or rent jointly. This needn’t be a very expensive exercise, the solicitor may even offer a free half hour interview, but a very worthwhile one. I must emphasise the importance of seeing a specialist solicitor, not just any solicitor, as specialist knowledge is needed here.
I wish you well and hope you will feel able to keep in touch with your friends here, who are sad for you and want to see you happy and confident again.

There's no reason for you to move out of the main bedroom and into the spare room, surely that's where he should be? I would also consider refusing to have him back into the maritial home. Excellent advice in the previous post. Start taking some action to protect yourself, you don't have to be passive, you must consider your own best interest.

Are there police reports that can support the OP?

I would honestly talk to a lawyer and see what my rights are vs his rights.

You need documentation to show he is dangerous to himself and others - your word is not enough

If he comes back home- you need it to defend yourself.

I’m so sorry, Bettinalove. As others have said, I think you need to be very firm about not having him discharged to home. Something has happened to his mental state, and I think your safety would be compromised, no matter which bedroom you’re in.

I agree with others who say you should have your husband home and am aware you are likely to feel under pressure to do so. From what you have said there is a real safety issue for you and also potentially for your neighbour and her children.
Your husband needs help and so do you, such a difficult time and I imagine you feel churned up. Have you been in touch with your local Age UK or other sources of advice and advocacy?
Thinking of you - stay strong.

It might be an idea to ask your DS2 to record his father talking about you and his intentions regarding your poor neighbour. In this way you can demonstrate he is a danger to others and delusional if he manages to persuade the medical staff that he is well.

oh how awful for you, so glad that you have the support of the family, and here's hoping that he gets kept in hospital until it is clear what the problem is and that you are safe, he has proved that he is a danger to others. It is important that he gets a diagnosis, so that for instance, he can't take all the money out of his account and use it to fulfil his dreams or whatever, there are more forms of abuse than simple physical abuse, financial abuse for example
You must be in a whirlwind in your head, it would be good to see a solicitor as some have already said, to safeeguard your situation as much as you possibly can

Sorry, I meant to write you should NOT have your husband home as things stand. Please put your safety and well being first.

Thanks for the update Bettinalove
Please, please, please x1000 do not have this hateful man in your home.
I think (perhaps with lockdown) he has had a lot of time to think awful thoughts and has changed from the man you once knew. I know many shot me down in flames for suggesting divorce already (and it wouldn't be an easy choice) but sounds like he wants one.
I am sure being completely alone is easier than being with someone who is ignoring you and treating you badly. You may find when you are out of this situation that you had been tolerating many things which were less than ideal (Sometimes we can't see the woods for the trees)
Work would be hard at your age, but it would also get you out of the house and meeting new people. Who knows all the amazing people you could meet? Maybe get some help to go through the grieving stages for what you thought you had and accept what is, then move on into your new life. I know it's easier said than done, but your GN family will be here to support you and you have your real family who all want the best for you.

If the medical professionals told him he would be sectioned if he attempted to discharge himself then they must agree he does not have capacity. As far as I know someone without capacity cannot start to issue divorce proceedings or change their will etc. I would suggest moving half the contents of any joint accounts into the account opened in your name to at least delay any detriment to you. Also as a previous poster said get all the documents relating to your house, any loans etc together and have them copied. Also try and find any evidence of any accounts etc that he may have opened recently. If this mental deterioration has been slowly escalating then he hasn’t been in his right mind for a while and may have done a lot of things you are unaware of especially if he generally looks after finance.
This is NOT being disloyal as he is obviously medically not in his right mind but you do need to protect yourself.

OandO, please remember that an illness, yet to be diagnosed, has changed the husband’s personality. This change may or may not be reversed with treatment, we don’t know, but in the meantime it’s unkind to call him ‘hateful’ no matter how badly he has behaved due to his illness. I hope Bettina will get legal advice as I suggested. You seem hell-bent on telling her to get a divorce. It may or may not come to that but it’s not for us to urge. We are here just to give her some practical suggestions and support in whatever she, with the help of her family, decides to do. She has access to legal and family support and that’s where advice about the future of her long marriage should come from, and that advice will take account of all the circumstances and her husband’s prognosis. Divorce may or may not be forced on her by her husband if indeed he is mentally capable of instructing a solicitor, as to which I have my doubts. But I don’t think your almost hysterical posts urging her to commence divorce proceedings are helpful. Bettina needs some calm headspace to consider her options carefully.

LtEve

If the medical professionals told him he would be sectioned if he attempted to discharge himself then they must agree he does not have capacity. As far as I know someone without capacity cannot start to issue divorce proceedings or change their will etc. I would suggest moving half the contents of any joint accounts into the account opened in your name to at least delay any detriment to you. Also as a previous poster said get all the documents relating to your house, any loans etc together and have them copied. Also try and find any evidence of any accounts etc that he may have opened recently. If this mental deterioration has been slowly escalating then he hasn’t been in his right mind for a while and may have done a lot of things you are unaware of especially if he generally looks after finance.
This is NOT being disloyal as he is obviously medically not in his right mind but you do need to protect yourself.

All of this is great advice!

Dear Bettina, lots of sound advice here. I just want to send my love and support. We are all behind you and here for you whenever you need us. Look after yourself xx

Thinking of you Bettina.