Husband becoming obsessed with much younger single neighbour

Another who wanted to reassure you that I'm sure no-one is laughing. Most likely they are all aware that they, too, will age and who knows what that brings them?

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's a hard thing to have to deal with.

Only just read this thread and I’m so sorry for your situation. As others have said it’s so good you have a supportive family. It’s awful that this problem escalated so quickly but it’s out in the open now and hopefully your husband and you will get the help you both need.

As for neighbours laughing at you - I very much doubt they are. They probably feel very sympathetic towards you so don’t worry about that and take care

Oh Bettinalove I hope you realise that everyone is sympathetic and supportive especially here. SO glad you have a supportive family-shows what a good job you’ve done raising them, well done. Hope you and your DH get the help you now both need-not in a few months; shame on that GP! All the best dear, hang on in there ?

Any updates Bettinalove? We were all so concerned about you and your predicament. I hope your DH is still in hospital.

Oh Bettinalove, I am so sorry for all your troubles!
It almost seems poetic that your husband is in hospital after his admission to your son that he was looking for someone else. I'm so sorry for your hurt and for the embarassment but I feel sure your neighbours are not laughing at you, how could anyone laugh at this devastating situation? They would have to be inhuman.

I'm glad your Daughter in law stayed with you and really , really hope that your husband gets a mental health assessment when he's in the hospital. Make sure you tell the medical staff everything or get your sons to. I think divorce might be a good way to protect your future now and because of his admitted unreasonable behaviour I think you would get a great settlement. You should not worry about what he would get seeing as he has not thought about you. I imagine your sons are pretty disgusted with him as well.

Everyone here is rooting for you

PS don't let the hospital discharge him to you. Refuse on the basis that he is violent (he has shown he has the propensity to be violent when challenged) Don't put yourself at risk, Bettinalove.
This is not someone you should be with, for your own protection and self esteem.

Oh dear onwardandupward this ladies husband is obviously mentally unwell and with the correct diagnosis and medication and family help there may be no need for your extreme remedies
It is all out in the open now and if it turns out there is no mental condition then Bettina has to seriously think about what to do in the way of leaving BUT if as most people on here believe he is diagnosed with a mental illness that can be controlled (Alzheimer’s or Parkinson’s or whatever) then he needs care and understanding too

You are not taking into consideration that he possibly isn’t in his right mind isn’t a normal thinking person at the moment you are talking as if he is a cheating, wife beating man there is nothing at all to suggest that he’s ever been a bad husband in their married life
They both need help but in very different ways

OnwardandUpward, this man is clearly ill and with treatment may return to his former self. We don’t know. Only a qualified doctor can give a diagnosis and prognosis. Bettinalove may find that, with treatment, things get back to normal.
If she does eventually decide she wants a divorce she will not get a ‘great settlement’ because of his behaviour. The judge will take account of the respective parties’ needs, among other things, not what the husband did whilst ill. You really have no idea (as a solicitor I do) and sound like you’ve been reading too many Hello type magazines.

I understand where Upwardsandownwards is coming from
She said not mention divorce in her post at all.

OP's DH needs to be cared by professionals.
He is clearly dangerous to himself and others.

We have seen too many threads where the poster had to insist that the patient wasnt coming home with her.

She did not mention...

She certainly did. Post of 10.07. Suspect you only read her second one.

Yes, you are right, I only read the second one.
I dont agree with divorcing him but OP shouldn't be with him unsupervised, just in case, for her own safety

True I am not up to date on divorce law , but see I'm wrong, which is a shame for anyone in this position. Like others say, the best thing is to get a professional evaluation and then make a decision based on that. I agree that it's best not to be alone with him. Yes we have seen posts where the person would not have got the help they were due if their spouse accepted them home. I agree, they both do need help of different types.

PS I don't buy magazines. I gave them up years ago. I seem to remember Hello magazine being a glossy celebrity type magazine, if my memory serves me well.

How would a divorce help this man to overcome his illness?

hi everyone,
DH ended up only needing his hip manipulated under anaesthetic no plates or screws needed. He was making lewd comments to nurses and tried to upskirt a doctor so is now in an elderly mental health ward. DH tried to discharged himself against doctors advice but changed his mind when he was told he would be sectioned. The local hospital is allowing 1 visitor per day which can be a different person every day for 1 hour but he has refused to see me. He has also demanding i be removed as his next of kin so not to upset him we have changed this to DS2.
DS2 has been visiting and has told me DH is adamant he will be issuing divorce proceedings as soon as he is discharged. DS2 reports he is acting as a normal person in front of hospital staff but when he is there says everything about me under the sun. Ive thought about refusing it but both DS2 and DD pointed out that means in 2 years he will only reissue again and ill have to live in this situation longer. DD has visited once - difficult for her with DGC and found it very distressing. DS1 is not helping the situation blaming the woman for everything. He was going to go round and as he put it "have it out with her". i begged him not to and finally he said he wouldnt.
The doctors have said they are struggling to find any signs of dementia as DH is able to name the date and time. His long and short term memory is normal. His reasoning and thought processes are clear. His reasoning for watching the woman was clearly explained and although for confidentiality they cannot tell me what was discussed DS2 saw a report that said he was attracted to the woman and looking for a mistress type relationship. They also havent found any evidence of personality disorder but have reported delusions of grandeur, known inappropriate behaviour and unrealistic expectations. He is however not being discharged until he is considered safe around female healthcare staff. DS2 fears DH will put on a front to show he made mistakes to get out of hospital quicker then will get into trouble with the police once home.
DS2 has also said like some on here i should set up a seperate bank account and he has helped me to do this. Divorce will cripple us both financially. I will need to try to return to some type of work at 68 years old. SIL and DD have helped me to move into the spare bedroom and im facing this is likely to be the end of our marriage. Its so hard after 40+ years. Im also feeling sick with anxiety about how our life is going to be when DH comes home. I cannot live with being constantly ignored again. I keep being told by everyone consider your options carefully but all i want is for things to go back to how they were which i know cant now happen.

How absolutely heartbreaking for you Bettinalove, I'm so sorry to hear that.

So sorry about the situation in which you find yourself. It sounds as though this is not dementia but a but a psychotic illness. The delusions of grandeur are a classic sign. This will be why they have taken him to the psychiatric ward. Poor man and poor you.

I am so relieved to hear that you have your family around you.

I’m so, so sorry to hear this.

So very sorry to read this and am glad you have your adult children to help you. I am sure you are in shock, do accept all the support your kids offer.

I know you are feeling very very anxious but use this adrenalin whilst he is still in hospital to check all paperwork including the Title Deeds of the house, as well as your finances. Make sure you know where everything is, how much money/savings you have, and ask around for a good solicitor in your area. Wishing you all the best and sending you strength.

Thank-goodness you have your family around you, Bettinalove. I do hope things improve for the better. Please put yourself first and take care of your health.

Bettinalove, thank you for taking the time for an update, I have so been worrying about you. It all sounds so awful and I am so pleased that your children are helping you. Please take care of yourself as much as you possibly can and do take legal advice. Perhaps an EPA could be put in place to take care of your husband so that some one other than him has control of his future. I wish you all the very best.

It might be a horrid thing to say to you but reading your last post carefully do you think it would be a bad thing if he does get caught by the police? It might give him real pause for thought if he ends up in custody. Don’t give up your house etc if he might end up removed from it anyway.

I m so pleased you ve come back with an update bettina
He was making lewd comments to nurses and tried to upskirt a doctor so is now in an elderly mental health ward.
Well at least they have seen what he’s capable of Bettina Its amazing that there are no signs of anything untoward in the tests they ve been doing but I presume he must have had a psychological assessment for them to determine he has delusions of grandeur and inappropriate behaviour (if this has never happened in 40 years of marriage surely that’s an indication something has happened in his brain) !! Thank goodness for your younger son and wife and daughter/ son in law I d keep the elder out of the equation he’s blaming the wrong person and will make the situation worse

Why do you think divorce will cripple you financially? if you both want it, he serves it and you agree it certainly shouldn’t be a long winded affair everything will have to be divided
Oh what a mess but I don’t think you should be living in your house when he comes out though, he may turn on you if he is that delusional Can you stay with your younger son or daughter until you can get somewhere else I don’t think it will be safe for you or for the woman next door do you ?

May I ask …until this behaviour reared it’s head some months ago was he a good husband, had he treated you well, had there ever been any affairs or inappropriate stuff before did you have a seemingly normal relationship?
Try not to take it all onboard at once Bettina and may I suggest you get some help outside the family, counselling would give you an unbiased and more balanced view of the situation Relate maybe able to help
We re all behind you

Please consider refusing to have him home whilst he is a threat to you. He needs to be seen by geriatric professionals.

I have experience with a family member who was able to convince her doctor that she was perfectly well while happy to point out to me the “people” walking through the wall and the purple stuff oozing under the door and filling the room. Eventually she was found outside her house screaming for people to help her and call the police to get the “men” on the roof to stop throwing down the roof slates. She was sectioned and got the help she needed. The diagnosis was Dementia with Lewey bodies. With medication she improved greatly, without the fear and confusion which had made her life a nightmare. She remained in care which gave her a feeling of security.

Let me reiterate, he needs proper care and you need to refuse to allow him home. He has shown he is capable of violence, you cannot be expected to put yourself at risk.
You will be pressurised to take him home as all the authorities wish to do is pass the responsibility to family. If you agree he will continue to get worse. Once he is diagnosed, treated and no longer a threat to you then you can reconsider.

Your DS1 may try to insist you allow his father home. You can suggest that he takes his father for a month or so.

Please take care of yourself and keep in touch. Everybody wants to support you.

is your son able to ask the doctors if he can have a brain scan.
if his behaviour has turned so suddenly out of character, surely all possibilities must be investigated.
don't let them palm him off on to you. thy will probably say he is just a dirty old man, family disputes, blah blah.
but this situation sounds much more serious than that.
he is volatile, and deluded, and doesn't like you standing in his way a he sees it.
please don't have him home.
if you absolutely cannot stop it, you need to go elsewhere.
do not be alone with him.
there was a terrible case near here a few years ago; a woman said her husband was not well or stable enough to be discharged from mental hospital, but they insisted, told her to contact GP. who was closed when he came home, she tried other sources of help, was made to feel that she was being overly demanding, told to ring GP when open.
he came home in the evening. early the following morning, the milkman found her slaughtered on the doorstep.
after that they found a place for him to be detained. bit late.