Husband becoming obsessed with much younger single neighbour

From what you have said it is highly unlikely that the lady is interested in your husband. I think this is demonstrated by her only responding to about 1 in 10 of his emails. I'm not quite sure why you think she might be pregnant. If you about it no young woman of 44 is going to be interested in a man of 72, unless he is incredibly rich.

It does sound as if your husband is unwell and you are right to discuss this with your children asap. You are going to need their support in dealing with whatever you decide to do.

I wish you all the best and hope that you come to a resolution soon.

Just read your latest update which must have been written while I was sending my post. Well done on taking positive steps to involve others, good idea to meet your son away from the house. Might be an idea to write things down as well as talking? Sounds like you have a lovely supportive family. As for your comment about dementia, it could be if this is the diagnosis and his behaviour is explained to him and put in context that it could stop. I have known that happen.
Do you know how your husband feels about the children of the neighbour? 4-16 is quite an age range and I wonder if any of them have noticed his behaviour (I am not suggesting you ask!) and how they react.
Please look after yourself as best you can.

I recognise some of this behaviour and you do need to talk to his GP. This sort of delusional behaviour is common in PD and Lewy Bodies; or as a reaction to certain medications.

It does sound like delusional behaviour and the one piece of advice that I would give is to avoid getting sucked in - it has already happened a bit with you tailing her.

Talk to the GP.

This sounds a dreadful situation and you are right to discuss it with your children, and then to contact your doctor. There was a situation like this some years ago at my church when a very respectable married man, much younger than your husband, pillar of the church,became obsessed with a happily married woman. She disregarded his advances so to impress her he raised a considerable amount of money for the charitable work she was doing, only it wasn't fundraising, it was theft from the accountancy firm he worked for.

The sooner you can get your husband's obsession recognised as an illness the better; I am sure there is a medical reason for this change in his behaviour. I would not discuss it with the woman concerned until you have had a medical assessment of your husband, and you must pester for this.
It doesn't seem as though your husband is receiving any encouragement from this woman, and I imagine she would be alarmed if she realised the extent of his obsession.
It may be a good idea to consult a solicitor and register your concerns about the situation.

Please be aware that if his behaviour escalates, she may well get the police involved.

Bettinalove I am so glad youre involving your kids. It will be hard for them , but Im glad you wont be alone with this. Do you have other trustworthy neighbours that you could have a word with to keep an eye on him when you cant be there?

Some older people can lose their inhibitions and do strange things as a result of dementia, too. I am sure hes not himself and the old him would surely not wish to hurt you in this way. He does sound very unaware! Possibly your kids or another visitor might see things you might be overlooking, only because sometimes it's hard to see the wood for the trees.

I am so sorry that you are going through this Bettinalove.
I hope you will feel a little better for sharing this with your family.
This uncharacteristic, inappropiate behaviour of your husband is not normal as you already know. It might relate to a physical problem so I suggest an urgent GP appointment. Personally, I would ask the GP to organise 1. a brain scan and 2. a referral to a geriatrician. Do please keep in touch and let us know how you are coping.

My daughter-in-law had a landlord who became obsessed with her and would stand outside their lounge window when my son was out. She had to close the curtains. I was there one day when it happened. Eventually she told his son and was informed he had dementia. He had a wife and she was in despair about it. I feel for you. Certainly I would have a chat with my doctor and my son if I was in your situation. My son and family eventually had to move because of it.

bettina this is a horrible situation but you are letting your mind completely run away with you God forbid she is pregnant and then you go on with various scenarios even worrying about what the teenage children would say and if would they pass it round at school you also are talking and planning how you would manage if you divorce
You are torturing yourself with these ‘what ifs’ which serve no purpose at all but to rev your anxiety up

There is NOTHING in your posts that suggest anything physical has happened or that the neighbour is even aware of his attention With five children and a business to run I doubt she has even noticed your husband attention to her
I really don’t think you should talk to your neighbour at this stage it might spook her completely (it would me)

REMEMBER If your husband was in his right mind he would be hiding his obsession from you not talking about her and sitting drooling He is obviously ill

Hand it over to your son he is a middle aged man and although he loves his Dad he is not invested in the same emotional way as you bring it into the open in your family and hopefully he will get him some help and you some peace

Men can be incredibly stupid and probably not ill at all, he just will not admit he has a crush on her.

I would be tempted to have a word with her, say you know he has been messaging her and has a crush, would she please shut him down. As she is only answering a few messages, is seeing other men and may be pregnant, having him off the scene may suit her.
She is probably just being friendly she and has not realized what is happening and you can then both have a laugh about his crush.

I have had this happen with a couple of older men, and I'm hardly a femme fatale.
In my 30s I had a man in his late 60s making a nuisance of himself for months after he did a job for me.
He turned up with a picnic one day, ready to whisk me off to Brighton!

I'd say this is more than a crush: it's an obsession!

Men can be really stupid, you're right Katie59. I know of a local man who follows women and has no idea he's a pest. He hangs around outside their houses hoping to see them, only in his case it's not just one but many!

It sounds like the other men maybe visiting her because of her business.

My dad, brother and brother in law often pop by in the daytime due to working odd hours/odd days. I am now cringing at the thought the neighbours might think I am “seeing other men”…!!

Oh dear, yes Muffinthemoo. Don't worry, I am sure most neighbours would not bat an eyelid and most have their lives full enough, or keep busy enough to not be looking out of the window.

But I must admit, I do look up every time someone passes by but I'm easily distracted and my dog barks every time so it's hard to ignore even when I'm busy.

I will no doubt get shot down for this but here goes........he's not the first to have his head turned by a younger woman who sounds as though she is basically being neighbourly and the attention has gone to his head.
You state that she replies to around one in ten of his messages, that tells me she is just tolerating him and doesn't want to come across as unkind or dismissive.
Just ignore it all and let him carry on in his own sweet way, she will shut this down if he oversteps the mark.

H1954 yes. Unfortunately as women we need to not be "too nice" or polite to men just because we are brought up to be. They are not "better". In fact, they can get dangerously obsessed with a woman who is just a bit polite to them and their deluded mind can think "oh, she LIKES me".

I think documenting everything is the way ahead and involving the son. It maybe that one day he realises he was being an ASS or gets the treatment that he may need. He may resent the interference so having proof of WHY it was needed might pave the way to forgiveness. It might also pave the way to divorce from Unreasonable behaviour if the GP says it is not medically induced.

At the end of the day, as his partner it is your responsibility to step in if you think he’s ill or pestering her. He shouldn’t get the chance to “overstep the mark”! This is her home and she deserves to feel safe and not worry about some old creep staring at her.

OP, I think from your later posts you are getting worried that there may be something between them, which is so unlikely. She’s replying to his messages so infrequently it’s obvious she’s trying to give him the brush off whilst still remaining polite. He sounds delusional and is fixating on her. I think speaking to your son and getting him to speak to your husband and suggest a doctors appointment may be a good idea.

I would definitely speak to the neighbour, she may be feeling quite concerned but not wanting to talk to you in case you don’t know. If you don’t want to do this alone then you could take your son or DIL with you. But if he’s being obsessive about her there may be more which you don’t know that sheds light on if this is an infatuation or potentially dementia or mental health related.

H1954 I was also thinking along those lines.
I wonder if any of the male members of Gransnet are reading this. And if so, what are their views?

This is a worrying situation and I think you should express your concerns to the GP. ? I think one emails drs these days. He /she will be aware if there is any medication that might be causing this.
Perhaps try to get him to talk about her as casually as possible as that might produce a further insight into his feelings.
Glad you are going to discuss it with your son.
Wishing you all the best.

Are gps around to discuss men fancying younger women?
I really think it is no more than that, in fact I think making an appointment to discuss it, worrying the woman is pregnant, and so on is more worrying than the husband eyeing up a vivacious younger woman.

Totally agree with your post Bluebelle
There can only be two scenarios, he is either I'll or obsessed. Either way for everyone's sake including yours it has to stop.

Why do I think he might be ill mentally or physically ?
Because a man wanting to have an affair does NOT tell his wife, he is sneaky, he is hiding his obsession he is doing everything to stop you from knowing….but…. your husband isn’t …..hes talking to you about it, he’s asking your opinion, he’s telling you she may be pregnant, he’s sharing his annoyance when people are being entertained He’s not being devious or hiding his interest which is not normal

That is just not how cheating men act and believe me I ve had enough in my life

I wouldn't think he is cheating, but it's common for people to keep talking about the person they fancy, even without meaning to.
A lot of times they don't even realise they're doing it.

The only time I have heard of this excessive behaviour was when a neighbours husband has start of dementia, it was awful for his wife,