Husband becoming obsessed with much younger single neighbour

That’s all ok if he keeps his activities legal. If he oversteps - which it sounds as if he’s on the verge of doing - and his wife has done nothing- is she not guilty also in some way? Whatever this lady shouldn’t have to put up with this. It’s hurtful in the extreme. Report him to the GP I’d say. They’ll asssess and take action. If they don’t then police is next step. If you don’t do anything and something bad happens you’ll not forgive yourself. Good luck. I really feel for you.

Please come back Bettinalove once you have chatted to your son.

I'm really hoping this is resolved.

I fear OP may have left the building, but if you are there, please read what I said about Frontotemporal Dementia and talk to a doctor.

Polarbear2

That’s all ok if he keeps his activities legal. If he oversteps - which it sounds as if he’s on the verge of doing - and his wife has done nothing- is she not guilty also in some way? Whatever this lady shouldn’t have to put up with this. It’s hurtful in the extreme. Report him to the GP I’d say. They’ll asssess and take action. If they don’t then police is next step. If you don’t do anything and something bad happens you’ll not forgive yourself. Good luck. I really feel for you.

Sorry Polarbear2, I dont think your assessment of the situation is fair.

Bettinalove was talking to her son and family this weekend, so may be there is a lot to discuss before she feels like coming back?
I do hope she does.

I don't think you can "report" someone to the GP as such, because any information you give them is revealed to the patient. That's why I suggested filming his activities. That way, if he goes made at having his activities talked about to the GP, Bettinalove can show him just how unreasonable his actions have been.

I do so hope Bettinalove has found the support of her family and will come back here.

If he goes mad not made, typo!

And madder still upon learning that he his nearest and dearest has been secretly videoing him.

At least a video would be proof of his troubling behaviour and is undeniable. I think he would apologise if he had previously been unaware of just how badly he was acting.
The camera never lies! Of course, its up to Bettinalove to do what she feels is right.

I think that some have been cooped up in lockdown for so long that they have actually forgotten how to function in society and lost their social boundaries. It sounds like he is unaware of his actions and I think if he could see what his wife sees he may be sorry (if it isn't health related)

OnwardandUpward you can certainly make the GP aware of your concerns and the GP can listen to what you have to say. What he cannot do is discuss the patient unless you have the right Power of Attorney.

I am pretty sure you cannot film someone secretly and then show the film to that person's doctor, even if you are related to him. The camera does lie, all the time.

It is pointless talking to a GP as the husband does not see he is doing anything wrong so will not visit a GP. As for reporting to the police, he has not committed an offence and it would be impossible to live together after.

I hope the family come up with some realistic solutions.

So no bettina it’s now two days since she was going to talk it through with her son ?

Perhaps her son has told her not to put anything on GN as it is a family matter. If she has told him that is.

Rosycheeks I couldn’t agree more.

Especially if he’s read through all of these pages!

PippaZ

OnwardandUpward you can certainly make the GP aware of your concerns and the GP can listen to what you have to say. What he cannot do is discuss the patient unless you have the right Power of Attorney.

I think they do tell the patient though even when you don't want them to. Their loyalty is to the patient not to you.

eazybee

I am pretty sure you cannot film someone secretly and then show the film to that person's doctor, even if you are related to him. The camera does lie, all the time.

Well I know you can edit things to make it look worse but if someone is hovering around in front of the window and talking about the neighbour and you ask them to stop, but they wont- that's unreasonable or a lack of control.

OnwardandUpward

PippaZ

OnwardandUpward you can certainly make the GP aware of your concerns and the GP can listen to what you have to say. What he cannot do is discuss the patient unless you have the right Power of Attorney.

I think they do tell the patient though even when you don't want them to. Their loyalty is to the patient not to you.

It is not about "loyalty". It's about the patient and the law.

I remember my dad, years ago, talking to their ( my mum’s and his GP), because she was acting strangely. I know this because I sat and talked to dad about the fact we had noticed she wasn’t right. Won’t go into detail, it’s irrelevant, but suffice to say, the GP was very helpful, and told my dad it could be related to medication she was taking at the time. There may have been more discussed, but I just left it there.

My dad died a few years later, and I became estranged from my mum. We’d never seen them regularly before, perhaps once or twice a year, due to distance mainly. I never felt my mum was right though, and could see it at each visit, probably because I didn’t have the ‘ drip drip’ of seeing them regularly. I never got the chance to speak to dad again, my mum always got in the way, so can’t say how it panned out.

Confidentiality may be more strict now. This was about 20 years ago. As I always say on every thread I go on, the only way forward is honesty, and talking. Nothing covert, just plain out there. The OP’s husband could be ill, but this neighbour needs to be informed. Even if she laughs and scoffs, the right thing has been done, and then you bettina, can concentrate on your husband.

All the best.

hi everyone. Thanks so much for your messages. This is so so difficult. i had lunch and a long chat with DS2 and DIL. DS2 was devastated. He has phoned the GP and expressed his concerns. Hes been told to call back if still worried in a "few" months. DS2 took a fishing trip on Monday with DH and tried to talk to him about it. DH has told DS2 he cannot bear me anymore and needs his life back with the woman he loves. DH has not exactly said but indicated to DS2 he is "looking" on what he classes as appropriate sites online. DIL has been wonderful. She is the same age as the woman. DIL has been to speak to the woman. Ive found out the woman has a boyfriend and actually thought DH was watching her to report her to the police for breaking the rule of 6. DIL thought the woman didnt seem bothered when she explained that DH had been exhibiting inappropriate behaviour aimed at her.

The situation has gone from bad to worse when 2 of the womans friends and her boyfriend came round last night to challenge him. DH was in the front garden avoiding me as normal so they must have been watching for him. i saw them come and stayed inside at the window. They basically told him to back off. DH got very animated, shouting he could love who he chooses etc etc, embarrassing himself then picked up the garden fork and started pointing it at them swinging it towards them. Another neighbour called the police. A friend of the woman disarmed DH, he fell backwards and is now in hospital with a dislocated hip.

DIL came and stayed with me overnight. Shes still here. My neighbour next door who is a good friend went to talk to the woman. The woman then called me on the phone and i told her i didnt want any friction and i was sorry for what DH had done. She was upset as well.

So where do i go from here. i have no idea. DS2 has asked DD and DS1 to come to visit as soon as possible. They will be here later. I have a husband who cannot bear me, a street laughing at me and a neighbour who could call the police on me. I feel terrible for saying but i am a little relieved DH is in hospital for a few days just to get some space and time.

Poor Bettinalove. I’m so pleased your children are rallying round. You’ve dealt with this alone for so long. Now you have their help and support. Please don’t think the neighbours are laughing at you. If they’re laughing at anyone it’s him because he’s been so silly. And the neighbour who called the police only did so because there was a dangerous situation. She didn’t call them to you. Now your husband is in hospital you have a perfect opportunity to speak to his doctor there to get him properly assessed by a mental health professional. He is almost certainly mentally ill. Treatment may be possible. This incident may be a blessing in disguise for you. Good luck and do let us know how you’re getting on. You have a lot of supportive friends here.

So sorry for the urgent developments.

Is is clear that the situation was more serious than originally thought in the initial posts - your dh's behaviour was crossing the line

I would avoid any interaction between neighbour and your husband.

Your dh clearly has a medical or mental issue that needs help

Big hugs Bettinalove, no-one could have predicted this would all blow up like this a week ago, you are doing very well. I'm glad you have your family on side, and as dreadful and unfortunate as it is, I hope your husband can be assessed in hospital.

I really don't think that anyone is laughing at you. This is a serious and sad situation. Your husband's mental health needs to be assessed while he is in hospital. I would think that where you go from here depends on two things, the result of the assessment and what you would like to do. At least you can now discuss things openly and get some help and support for whatever you decide to do. You do have a voice in all this. I vets wouldn't have him home without help.

Please don’t think anyone is laughing at you bettinalove they aren’t, hopefully your DH will get sorted now in hospital and be assessed, I’m glad your Ac are helping you, please take care of yourself, best wishes & please let us know how everything is going when you can, people do care on here and will show you support

I am sorry that you are in this pickle. It is not of your making and you must not feel embarrassed about it.

Your OH's behaviour in front of these people serves to make it all the clearer that he has problems with reasoning and mental functioning. He is not the man you married; and you must remember that if he were his normal self, there would be no question of him not being able to "bear" you.

The neighbour talked of calling the police because your OH's behaviour was becoming dangerous - none of this is aimed at you. You do not know that people are laughing at you - you might be surprised how many people will recognise similar problems with their own families, in one degree or another.

Your last paragraph is full of negatives, and I can understand your feelings. But please count the positives too - your family are by your side and have got your back - that is a precious thing.

I do fully understand how difficult it is when the man you loved and with whom you have spent a large chunk of your life suddenly undergoes a personality change (even if through no fault of their own) - I have been there and it was hard.

You are not bad to feel relieved that he is in hospital where hopefully they will do some proper testing and assessment to see what is going on. It is important that someone in your family talks to the medics and makes sure they know what is going on.

I send you strength and good wishes.