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I have left

(152 Posts)
deedee6969 Tue 17-Aug-21 18:37:17

I have been married for 37yrs this year. It has always been a rocky marriage. DH was raised by a drunk dad and paranoid schizophrenic mum. It rubs off. He has always thought I was having afffairs behind his back. I never ever have. These past 3 years have been horrendous and after a really bad episode of accusations and blame for everything that is wrong in his life I told him that the next time he blames me for everything I was leaving. It settled down for a while then reared up again. Same old abuse, different day and I left. I know it was definitely the right thing to do but it's also very hard. I have been accepted onto the housing register and I have applied for a little bungalow so fingers crossed I hear something soon. I just feel like a failure and at 56 I am starting all over again. I know I couldn't stay in the very abusive and sometimes terrifying situation but it is so hard. We do own the house he's still in and I know it will have to be sold but I also know he will drag it out for as long as possible. It is what it is. I am claiming universal credit now and they have assured me I will get housing benefit until my home is sold. I do have a son and daughter who support my decision but I don't want to upset their family lives so as far a they're concerned I'm fine. I'm not. But I will be. Sorry for the long post think I just needed a rant ?

V3ra Tue 17-Aug-21 23:09:33

You're not a failure at all. Sometimes it's braver to know when the time has come to draw a line under something and move on.
The future is yours now and there are some good accounts from other people on here to encourage you.
So telling that your son and daughter are supporting you in this move.

Hithere Tue 17-Aug-21 23:19:51

Happy independence day!

Esspee Tue 17-Aug-21 23:33:07

DeeDee you have my deepest respect and I know that things will get easier for you in time. Enjoy the rest of your life.

SuzieHi Tue 17-Aug-21 23:46:35

Wishing you a happier life. Stay strong. Keep looking forward x

NotSpaghetti Wed 18-Aug-21 00:03:51

This sounds like a brave, scary, but life-affirming step.
Well done.
I hope you get the bungalow but if not, you will have something of your own in due course.
You will have the key to your own door, and a new and brighter life ahead of you.
flowers

Lauren59 Wed 18-Aug-21 02:35:57

Well I’m sure 37 years of a miserable marriage is far too long, so good for you. It won’t be easy, but the day will come when you’ll be living in your new place and life will be MUCH better! I spent many years in an unhappy marriage but it was still tough getting through a divorce. Believe me, it will be worth the effort when you no longer walk on eggshells and you are in control your own life and happiness. Best wishes to you.

mokryna Wed 18-Aug-21 08:20:24

Congratulations on gaining your new life.

Froglady Wed 18-Aug-21 08:30:04

You're not a failure - you are a survivor that has taken the very difficult step of starting your life again; and it is your life this time, not attached to an abusive partner. Keep to that decision, don't ever feel that you have to return no matter how much pressure he may put on you, as people can be so persuasive and promise you the earth and that they will change - they won't or can't. You need to stay strong and live your life for you. Good Luck.

Shelflife Wed 18-Aug-21 08:33:52

Thinking about you , wishing you strength , security and comfort. You have been very brave and I imagine you know in your heart you have done the right thing. Self preservation at the end of the day ! A happy future is ahead .

sodapop Wed 18-Aug-21 08:47:07

Can't add anything to Shelflife's post except well done and good luck.

Mattsmum2 Wed 18-Aug-21 08:47:56

Way to go! Relief and hope for your new future. Take care xx

timetogo2016 Wed 18-Aug-21 09:01:42

Well done deedee,you won`t regret it ,i did the same and never looked back.
Have a happy life.

glammanana Wed 18-Aug-21 09:15:53

DeeDee well done to a brave lady you have many happy years ahead of you which you well deserve.
I hope you get your bungalow and get yourself settled don't listen to any promises he may come up with as they will surely be broken a leopard never changes its spots as the saying goes,look forward to a peaceful future with the support of your children flowers & a warm hug.

DiscoDancer1975 Wed 18-Aug-21 09:25:17

Well done, and I hope it all goes well for you. I can see you being helpful to many others who come on here on the brink of leaving, but not knowing quite how to do it.

Mary59nana Wed 18-Aug-21 09:25:59

Just want to say Well done going alone is not easy after being married for such a long time but you will find the weight lift from your weary body and you'll skip with happiness in time.
I wish you all the happiness in the world x

Nonogran Wed 18-Aug-21 09:32:24

Your story is inspirational to all who may be scared of leaving a toxic relationship. Well done & maybe in a year’s time you’ll let us know how you’re getting on!
Whatever you do, don’t go back! Keep the faith & stay positive.
Well done.

olddudders Wed 18-Aug-21 10:02:31

Allow this ex-widower, now contentedly remarried to Ashcombe to pat you on the back. You are only 56, may have another 40 years ahead of you, and why spend them in misery? You have demonstrated a great mix of common sense and courage in leaving, and I hope that things just work out for you to settle into a new life and put those wasted years behind you.

Forestflame Wed 18-Aug-21 12:23:52

Well done DeeDee. Sending you hugs and wishing you all the best.

Witzend Wed 18-Aug-21 12:33:15

Very brave of you, deedee6969. I wish you all the very best. ??

Eviebeanz Wed 18-Aug-21 12:42:10

Well done. I cannot imagine what courage it must have taken you to make that decision and act on it. It may not feel like it now but I expect you will come to realise that being in your own home however small it may be, where your opinions hold sway equally or above others is a great feeling to experience especially if it hasn't been like that for some time. My very best wishes.

H1954 Wed 18-Aug-21 12:48:58

Ive sent a PM

deedee6969 Wed 18-Aug-21 13:45:47

Thank you again for all your kind words. "Happy Independence Day" made me smile ?. I'm patiently waiting to find out if I've got the bungalow as bidding ended at midnight last night. I'm at my sisters at the mo while she is on holiday and I've done nothing but clean to keep my mind occupied. It's our 37 year anniversary today. Hey ho thinking about my future not the past or trying to. ?

welbeck Wed 18-Aug-21 13:55:39

don't think about it like that.
get a mid year diary, academic, and mark up the days as
Independence Day plus one, two, etc.
and all the new things you are doing.
and those children are a real credit to you.

midgey Wed 18-Aug-21 14:33:08

Wow! More power to your elbow! How brave of you to start your new life, fingers crossed for the bungalow. flowers

GoldenLady Wed 18-Aug-21 14:37:18

Good for you DeeDee! You sound like a very strong person, and will make it just fine on your own.