Gransnet forums

Relationships

Friend moved without telling me

(78 Posts)
Kestrel Sat 21-Aug-21 18:04:01

I have just discovered that a friend of mine (known her for 7 or 8 years) moved house without telling me. I moved 400 miles away from where we both lived 5 years ago but kept in touch. She has been under a lot of strain due to 2 recent family bereavements. I sent a sympathy card but then found out her house had been sold in May of this year. When I contacted her to ask if she had moved as I'd sent a card, she said that it would reach her because she had a redirection service but didn't give me the new address or say where she had moved to. Last time I visited the area I ran out of time and couldn't see her and felt dreadful about it - I've apologised several times. Is this a tit for tat or am I being too thick to see that the friendship is over? Thanks

Nonogran Sat 21-Aug-21 18:17:16

You’re far from thick because you have the capacity to think things over.
In your shoes I’d let it go. Move on.

Kestrel Sat 21-Aug-21 18:23:31

Thanks Nono - I think you're prob right.

Mollygo Sat 21-Aug-21 18:26:59

I’d think it’s time to say goodbye. If she sends you a Christmas card or gets in touch, see how you feel then.

SueDonim Sat 21-Aug-21 18:27:39

It sounds like the friendship has run its course. I’d leave it now, tbh.

TrendyNannie6 Sat 21-Aug-21 18:32:20

To be honest I would leave it and move on with your life

Madgran77 Sat 21-Aug-21 19:08:38

I would write again, send to old address to be redirected OR phone and say " I am wondering if you feel our friendship has run its course as you haven't given me your new address. I will respect your view if you do wish to finish our contact but I would appreciate it if you could tell me either way"

Being open and asking is always better than second guessing or created misunderstandings

BlueBelle Sat 21-Aug-21 19:12:35

But the poor lady has just had two recent bereavements maybe you weren’t top of her mind. if you normally keep in touch by phone or email then there’s not much need to have an address Not many people keep in touch by letter now a days and maybe it never entered her head to give it you
I d just carry on as normal
I doubt if it’s a tit for tat I would imagine, moving and having two bereavements has left her a bit stressed
If you value the friendship carry on as before

EdithRose Sat 21-Aug-21 19:46:29

Sadly, many friendships to do run their course. I believe that people come into our lives and us into theirs for a reason, so we can learn from each other, but then it's time to move on.

In this case, I'd send her a card just letting you know you're thinking of her and see if it reaches her, other than that, she knows how to get in touch with you so I'd leave it at that if she doesn't respond.

It sounds as if she's been through a lot so maybe she'll get in touch when she's ready but for now, concentrate on other friends and activities. I know it's difficult but don't assume the worst just yet that the friendship is over.

SpringyChicken Sat 21-Aug-21 20:20:43

She knows where you are if she wants to get in touch. Leave it to her to make contact next. If/when she does, you'll know it is because she wants your friendship.

Grammaretto Sat 21-Aug-21 20:49:47

I think keeping up a long distance relationship is quite hard especially if your life is already full.
I keep in contact with old friends via email and rare phone calls and maybe Christmas cards and concentrate on the people I see regularly. Family are the exception.
A bird in the hand and all that.

Redhead56 Sat 21-Aug-21 23:11:25

Some friendships run there course because of various circumstances. Your friend has had dffcult times to deal with while moving house. Some people just move on in life and drop friends sometimes without any reason.
I would leave it let her settle and see if you get a Christmas card. If you don't the message is loud and clear. Concentrate on family and friends you do see.

kircubbin2000 Sun 22-Aug-21 07:12:25

One of my best friends did this too. I phoned her one morning to say I was coming up and she said don't come this morning , the men are here.When I asked who she said the removal men.
She did give me her address but told me not to tell any one so I didnt contact her again.I think her husband must have been threatened in some way.

Calendargirl Sun 22-Aug-21 07:33:19

An old friend, (at school together from 11, she was my bridesmaid also) moved about four years ago. She and her DH had many spats with neighbours, often I feel their own fault, they upped and moved, didn’t tell anyone except her sister, where they were going to live.
She told me beforehand she didn’t want to hand out her address, but took my e Mail and promised to keep in touch when they were settled.
Never heard any more. I realise it wasn’t just me, it was everybody, but hey ho, her loss, not mine.
Sad though when we had known each other for over 50 years.

Kestrel Sun 22-Aug-21 09:22:31

Thanks everyone - I felt a bit shaken by it so thanks for your input. I'll leave it and give her time to make the next move if she wants to.

NannyJan53 Sun 22-Aug-21 09:32:27

I think the ball is in her court now. She knows your address so it is up to her to contact you I think.

I have a good friend who moved 100 miles away 4 years ago, we keep in contact by phone and WhatsApp, but it gets harder as the years go by, as we don't have the regular meet up connection we used to have.

Peasblossom Sun 22-Aug-21 09:36:02

To be honest, she wasn’t very high in your friendship priorities, was she? When you visited your old place, you ran out of time to see her, which means there were other people that you had rather see first.

All those apologies sound a bit condescending to be frank. She must be so upset that you couldn’t fit her in🙄
Are you feeling a bit put out that she’s just not bothered about keeping in touch?

timetogo2016 Sun 22-Aug-21 09:36:45

I agree with BlueBelle,she has too much going on in her head to think straight.
She needs space and time.

lemongrove Sun 22-Aug-21 11:21:52

BlueBelle

But the poor lady has just had two recent bereavements maybe you weren’t top of her mind. if you normally keep in touch by phone or email then there’s not much need to have an address Not many people keep in touch by letter now a days and maybe it never entered her head to give it you
I d just carry on as normal
I doubt if it’s a tit for tat I would imagine, moving and having two bereavements has left her a bit stressed
If you value the friendship carry on as before

I think this is the perfect response kestrel😃

3cats Sun 22-Aug-21 12:51:31

Sadly friends do just drop you for no reason, not much you can do, just don’t put any more effort in trying to find out why. I realised over the last few years, I was making all the running with a close friend, always being those one to get in touch etc, I contacted them at least 5 times in the last year but no response, hard lesson to learn that simply friendships do end, it can be upsetting, but you learn to live with it.

MawBe Sun 22-Aug-21 12:56:35

I would give her the benefit of the doubt - it is too easy to miss someone out especially at a fraught time.
Can’t you email or ring/text for her new address?
If she fobs you off or doesn’t reply you may have to reluctantly accept the friendship has run its course, but a pity to cut all ties when it might be a slip-up on her part.

Whatdayisit Sun 22-Aug-21 13:12:35

Considering her bereavements I would send 1 last xmas card or anything sooner you would normally send and if no reply then leave it. It wasn't your fault you didn't get too her a true friend accepts this.

Had a similar end of friendship and I left it. I should have given 1 last chance but didn't and she is now dead I feel sad that I didn't try once more even though the end would have probably been the same.

luluaugust Sun 22-Aug-21 13:28:38

I agree one last birthday or Christmas card and see if you get a reply. It is such a shame after a long friendship but moving does make a difference some people need the regular meet ups to keep things going.

Allsorts Sun 22-Aug-21 13:44:16

I don’t agree with Peasblossom. You did what you could and your friend has been through a lot. She knows you care and perhaps she will get in touch. Sometimes certain friendship run their course through no ones fault. One of my friends left the area and moved to a beautiful place miles away to be near her 2 daughters whom she had little to do with for 20 years, she left contact up to me and despite saying before she left, there are lots of room for you to come and stay never offered but if I raised the question it was fobbed of with work needed doing on the house, as if I was bothered about wallpaper and such, it was her I wanted to see, she wouldn’t visit me, too far. In the end I gave up, not heard a word, I realise now she was a taker and not a giver after 30:years friendship I excused a lot.
It’s not your fault and I would just leave it up to her. People always come back if they care.

Peasblossom Sun 22-Aug-21 14:36:14

I guess I see it differently Allsorts.

Ive moved around a lot in my life and the friendships that have lasted are the ones where we acknowledge that life moves on and people will fill the gap we leave behind with other friends and activities. Our importance to them decreases in terms of everyday life and we have to be mutually understanding of each other’s priorities.

Here’s a lady who has suffered two recent family bereavements and has been in the throes of moving house. That’s a lot to deal with and most friends, getting a bit of a short reply to did you get my card, would just think “Oh she’s got a lot on her plate. Her head must be all over the place. I’ll get in touch later.”

I don’t think the friend has done anything to justify some of the comments here. She’s got more to think about than what the OP wants from her.

It wouldn’t hurt the OP to cut her a bit of slack at this difficult time rather than suggesting it’s a spiteful “tit for tat”.