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Feel so alone

(67 Posts)
Trouty Sun 05-Sep-21 14:08:48

Hi everyone looking for some advice. I have 4 grown up children, 3 DD and 1DS. I have been married over 30 years and my husband is my soul mate.. or so I thought. I had a troubled upbringing. My parents had a toxic relationship which transferred to me and my siblings. Mum was and still is ultra critical to me and my sister but loved the boys. Dad died a number of years ago. I unfortunately don’t have a great relationship with my 3 DDs. Over the last few years they have told me straight I’m emotionally unstable and me and my family have gave them anxiety and a high level of ACES. I tried as much as I could to be a good mum, always supported them, stuck up for them, protected them and nurture them as much as I could. They are very close, although it’s not always been the case, and feel it’s fine for them to vent and be disrespectful but if I try and explain I’m accused of not listening, being a drama Queen etc.. last night I read messages on my husbands phone, terrible I know, and he was basically slagging me off to each of the them individually and there was a whole WhatsApp discussion saying life would be better if I wasn’t there.. and how fed up they are with me. I can’t win if I contact them the either ignore me or accuse me of meddling and if I don’t then I’m accused of not caring.. I have 3 grandchildren who I adore but I rarely see 2 of them. Sorry of the long post I’m just absolutely gutted.. I feel like an outsider in my own family and sometimes think I’m better off not here.

Puzzled Sat 11-Sep-21 19:49:29

Look not at what you cannot do, but at what you have achieved.
There are lots of different things that all of us cannot do.

You have matured, married, and brought up a family, obtained and and held down a job. Your boss rates you highly enough to want to help and to arrange counselling, so he appreciates your worth.
You have friends who value you.

Take heart, you should be proud of these things and hold your head up high!

M0nica Sat 11-Sep-21 20:05:32

I find CotswoldGrannies post deeply, deeply disturbing, it is in itself a classic example of victim blaming.

Yes, we do have threads and stories on here where it is clear thatthe OP is probably the author oftheir own misfortune. But absolutely not in this case. Nothing, but nothing makes a WhatsApp group led by a husband with the children, whose sole purpose is to blame one person for everything that has gone on in the family and to denigrate and demean them, acceptable.

I am shocked and appalled that anyone could be so crass as to suggest this. In fact CotswoldGrannies post is so insensitive , I find it difficult to think that it was written with a straight face.

Most people who read other family members phone messages, do not set out to do it, but pick up the phone and see something that makes them go further. All this angst that you read his ohone messages, forget it. Once you has seen the first you had a right to go on.

To discover that someone who you loved and trusted, could let you down like this must be so devastating. How long has this been going on? Is he the reason your relationship with your daughters is so bad, because he has been constantly criticising you to them and feeding them negative attitudes to them.

I do not think I could even stay in the house with someone who can behave like that. It would make me feel that my whole marriage was based on a lie. If your job is sufficient to make it possible, I would just rent some accommodation and move out. It will give you a breather and a chance to seek counselling. There are courses and one-to-one counselling available online.

What your husband has been doing to you, even if you have only just discovered it, is emotional abuse. It is a crime and a cause for divorce. It might be worth your while to speak to your local Women's Refuge. Eeven if you do not need the protection they can offer, they will be able to give you the practical and emotional support you so need at this time.

Trouty Sat 11-Sep-21 21:49:20

Thanks MOnica.. I felt that too.. yes I’ve made mistakes but have in way been abusive.. I’ve never interfered in their lives and been there supporting them through everything. My oldest two use cannabis and the oldest has been using recreational drugs.. this seems to have led to paranoia. The youngest is very easily led and is happy to stir things up. I can’t fight 3 against 1. I’ve never touched drugs, been an alcoholic and every penny I made went on my children. We even lost our house struggling to put them through college and Uni.. which the oldest and youngest dropped out of. I don’t care if they shovelled 💩 for a living as long as they were happy. People are quick to judge. Spoke to my husband and let him know I had saw the posts.. how hurt I was.. he said he was just agreeing with them to keep the peace.. I could never do that and told him straight the trust had gone..

Trouty Sat 11-Sep-21 21:53:42

Also I’m trying to focus on what I can do.. I have the best colleagues who have been sending me messages all week.. I have good supportive friends and my sister.. but like every mother I want a cuddle from my girls.. I really wish I could say or out my finger on why they feel the way they do.. I’ve spoke openly to them, helped them to which my youngest said “I never asked for your help”.. I just feel worthless and horrible that I just don’t want to be around them just now.

Granmarderby10 Sat 11-Sep-21 22:41:27

I think, Trouty that if at all possible maybe you should approach your sister and ask if there is any way you could stay with her for a period even a couple of weeks to create a fire break from this toxic atmosphere at home, then depending on whether or not your husband reaches out to show any genuine concern or interest for your well being, you can start thinking about the future and whether you can continue as you have, feeling hurt all the time or make a definite change for the better. Chin up and 🤞 good luck.

M0nica Sat 11-Sep-21 22:46:41

trouty you are NOT worthless. You have had a difficult life and have struggled to make things work, but if your DH is working against you, you are heavily handicapped.

I do not know either of you, but instinct says to me that your husband's response: he said he was just agreeing with them to keep the peace.. is, to put it courteously, difficult to believe. You are his wife and it is his first and foremost responsibility to stand up for you and speak up for you when others criticise, especially your (meaning both of you) children.

I would move out, take a breather and seek help from your local women's refuge.

V3ra Sun 12-Sep-21 08:58:47

Your husband is a first class wimp if what he says about the WhatsApp group is true.

It sounds as if you have bent over backwards for years to help and support your daughters and they have taken it all for granted rather than appreciating it.
Time to draw a line now as their behaviour towards you is badly affecting your health.

Concentrate on what makes you feel good. There are people in your life who genuinely care about you and for you and want to help you, so let them.

Please keep in touch as we are all rooting for you Trouty 👍

Allsorts Thu 16-Sep-21 15:46:08

Trouty, I have thought a lot of what you describe. You feel very alone against them all. If you do have a mental health problem, and I don’t suspect for a minute you have, why would any family gang up as they do and not find you help and support whilst supporting you themselves. It is so unkind. Whatever you do visit a solicitor, get their advice to ensure you get half of everything including pension and when you have all your rights etc sorted out make plans to start again. You are the victim of coercive control. As a wife your husband should be at your side not currying favour and running you down to the children you gave birth to, he is the one at fault. Believe me, when you are living an independent life thelot of them will miss you. It’s never too late, believe me, tell yourself you’re worth it, they are out of order. 💐

tickingbird Thu 16-Sep-21 16:12:28


I would however like to know why do your daughters feel like this, have you bought this on yourself, or has your husband been goading them about you for a long time
For your own sake please find out why your daughters feel as they do, as it is 3 off them that feel like this

Wow! Victim blaming or what? Must be Trouty’s fault because it’s all 3 of them. Maybe because Trouty’s bent over backwards to give them everything they’ve ended up as 3 spoilt brats with a large dose of their father’s disloyal genes.

welbeck Thu 16-Sep-21 16:55:53

you are obviously valued at work, and do a good job there.
is there anyone from work, or a staff noticeboard, where you might find a room to stay in for a while.
you have your job, so you have an income, that's good.
does your husband work.
what are the outgoings on the house, the essential ones.
you need to get away from that house and that family, it has become toxic.
how do you get on with your son, what does he think of it all.
look online for many sources of support;
i like dr les carter on youtube. just hearing his voice is calming and encouraging.
i would encourage you to find sources of support.
don't bother about people who are unhelpful.
you can't sort everything out at once.
take a few days sick leave. could you go back part-time, while trying to make changes, seek other support.
are you in a union, if not how about joining. they often have welfare counselling services. not just re employment disputes. and self-development courses.
your work role is good for you. concentrate on that.
good luck.

Madgran77 Thu 16-Sep-21 17:31:49

Wow! Victim blaming or what? Must be Trouty’s fault because it’s all 3 of them

....They could have been very heavily influenced by a heavy handed father ...who thinks it is ok as a husband to join in a Whatsapp group to slag off his wife to their children to "keep the peace!" Hmmm!

Trouty I think you need to put yourself and your immediate welfare first. Then you may wish to discuss this with your daughters but NOT within the context of this must be your fault!

tickingbird Thu 16-Sep-21 20:03:37

They could have been very heavily influenced by a heavy handed father ...who thinks it is ok as a husband to join in a Whatsapp group to slag off his wife to their children to "keep the peace!" Hmmm

Heavy handed and wanting to keep the peace? Hardly. Oxymoron right there. Hmmm…?

Madgran77 Thu 16-Sep-21 20:55:32

Tickingbird Not really in this context as "keeping the peace" was the "reason" he gave for his behaviour! More like a strategy to put himself in a "better light" and try to ensure that his wife feels even worse about herself! (Trouty please DON'T feel worse about yourself, it was an unfair comment made to you as an excuse!)

"Heavy handed" can be quite subtle in fact but perhaps manipulative would be a more appropriate word!!! tickingbird

Neen Mon 20-Sep-21 23:39:34

Firstly, everyone is an adult here who are messaging and running you down, so no safeguarding concerns for children, so I feel without knowing the whole facts, you need some self care healthy boundaries and some self worth firstly. As mentioned, is there anywhere you could perhaps stay and say to a trustworthy person, I'm going through this... And need some space.
Self reffing to talking therapies is a good option to consider , you do it on line and get the triage call withing two weeks, then they set up therapy face to face, my counsellor was amazing through talking therapies. I found me. I needed to change in some areas but also had lost sight of who I am and got caught up in non healthy stuff and had no self worth and no idea what healthy boundaries were. That for sure all changed. So it could perhaps be a turning point, where your say, I need some time, as wrong as it was to look, I saw what you all wrote about me and I need some time so please respect that then literally keep contact peaceful and limited for the month space and see where you all are. It gives them time to think should they have written it and rather than sat in a chair running you down, he could have said where can we go for support for us all.

sophiaelean Mon 27-Sep-21 10:57:20

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Shinamae Mon 27-Sep-21 11:01:27