Gransnet forums


Older child sleeping with mum

(64 Posts)
Shanavine Sat 18-Sep-21 05:36:18

Does anyone else think it weird that my SO daughter 17 still goes in to her, at least twice a week to sleep.
I'm not there all the time.
Gets tucked in to bed most night. They have a routine that they go through, nobody is going to break in and kill us etc.
And then during the hot weather thanks it in to wake us up at 4am to say she can't sleep do to the weather
She is 100% healthy no issues.

March Sat 18-Sep-21 07:15:50

Sounds like she has anxiety if she has go through her intrusive thoughts and reason with them.

Lucca Sat 18-Sep-21 08:05:36

Don’t understand the post .” SO daughter 17”

Georgesgran Sat 18-Sep-21 08:07:29

Significant Other?

BlueBelle Sat 18-Sep-21 08:10:55

What a strange post
Welcome by the way

What’s a SO daughter ?
Do you tuck 17 year olds into bed ??? I used to be lying wondering what they were up to at that age Do you live with your daughter how come you know so much about their sleeping habits if you don’t
Do you mean 7 year old if so that sounds much more normal that’s she’s going through an anxious phase
But far far from normal for a teenager
By 17 mine were practically tucking me up on their way out ???

Aldom Sat 18-Sep-21 08:38:53

I find your post difficult to understand, but from what I can make of it I would agree with March. It does seem to me as if the 17 year old girl is suffering from anxiety. Perhaps you could help her by listening to her concerns. If she is anxious she may need to talk with a doctor. Anxiety is very debilitating.

NotSpaghetti Sat 18-Sep-21 08:45:18

If this is a way of keeping a severe anxiety at bay and manageable - is it so dreadful? We don't know how long this has been happening.

Has the 17 year old had some counselling for this fear? Is there a background that has triggered it?

I think it's easy to judge here.

Shelflife Sat 18-Sep-21 08:49:02

A confusing message, shanavine will you please be more clear , then the GN team will be in a better position to respond .

CafeAuLait Sat 18-Sep-21 09:21:40

It sounds like the daughter needs to talk to her GP. If she's having to be reassured about not being hurt during the night, she needs help. There is not 'no issues' with a 17 year old who needs a pep talk before bed that no-one is going to break in and harm them. Please get her help and support. Her Mum should take her to the doctor as a starting point, medical tests and a referral to a psychologist.

Elegran Sat 18-Sep-21 09:25:24

I too wondered at the 17-year-old being tucked in and assured as a routine that no-one was going to break in and kill them. Perhaps if the break-in wasn't mentioned she wouldn't get anxious thinking about it? An odd post.

DillytheGardener Sat 18-Sep-21 09:56:41

NHS waitlists are woefully long atm for mental health services. First action is for parents to flag with their gp, but if your SO can afford to pay for a psychiatrist privately or on reduced rates based on your income I would encourage your SO to do this.
Anxiety completely eats up a persons self worth, and untreated in childhood can negatively impact their adulthood.
She may seem healthy and ‘otherwise fine’ but anxiety is often masked by coping mechanisms, creating an iceberg effect, everything looks fine on top but underneath trouble looms. ( we have had several family members suffering from anxiety)

maddyone Sat 18-Sep-21 10:02:58

I don’t understand the post.

Bluebellwould Sat 18-Sep-21 10:09:14

Is Shanavine the dad or the mother or stepdad? I’m confused too.

Germanshepherdsmum Sat 18-Sep-21 10:21:55

I really don’t understand the post, what the relationship with the child is and how old she is, but if a girl of 17 needs to have a bedtime routine (as opposed to a very short term need for reassurance after seeing a scary film perhaps) in which they are told no-one is going to break in and kill them she must have issues which need to be addressed. And if the person is 17 surely she should understand it’s not ok to wake the family at 4am because it’s too hot for her to sleep. If this girl is 17 she doesn’t sound as though she’s ‘100% healthy no issues’ as OP stated. I wish OP would return to clarify some points.

CafeAuLait Sat 18-Sep-21 10:22:51


Is Shanavine the dad or the mother or stepdad? I’m confused too.


DiscoDancer1975 Sat 18-Sep-21 10:31:23

What’s a ‘ significant other’ daughter? I don’t follow this either. Another wind up maybe?

Gingster Sat 18-Sep-21 10:35:45

Very strange. !

Teacheranne Sat 18-Sep-21 10:49:50

I think the original poster is the step father whose stepdaughter, when he’s working away from home, gets into bed with his partner.

It is unusual I guess but maybe there were some difficult times before he was around which have led to a very close relationship. My daughter still gets into my bed in the morning if she is staying over, she is 35 now! But she has never slept all night in my bed, not even as a baby. This habit started when my dad left under somewhat difficult circumstances and she was struggling to cope. I think she didn’t like seeing me in bed on my own when she brought me a coffee in the morning - took over that job from her dad, and just hopped into bed for a cuddle. It then continued in the holidays when she went to University and has noe become a lovely tradition.

DillytheGardener Sat 18-Sep-21 11:04:10

That’s lovely Teacheranne

Teacheranne Sat 18-Sep-21 11:59:13

Sorry, meant to say her dad, my husband.

sodapop Sat 18-Sep-21 12:09:43

I think Shanavine is in a same sex relationship isn't she ?

Sounds like the teenager is a bit anxious and this is a way of dealing with it. I wouldn't worry about it Shanavine unless it's impacting on your life together.

3dognight Sat 18-Sep-21 12:41:48

Teacher Anne, I get into bed with my sister of a morning to have a cuppa when I stay at hers. (Provided her DH is not in it!)

Doodledog Sat 18-Sep-21 13:07:51

I read it as the SO is the female partner of the OP, and the 17 year old daughter is not the OP's, but the 'child' of the partner.

(I'm not sure that's expressed any more clearly than the OP ?)

It seems a bit odd to me, as 17 year olds are usually more independent than that, but I'm not sure it's something to actively worry about.

I'd be a bit annoyed at being woken at 4.00am to be told that someone else couldn't sleep, though! If the daughter were 7, I'd put up and shut up, but by 17 I'd be expecting her to be dealing with it herself unless she has issues not disclosed in the OP.

BlueBelle Sat 18-Sep-21 13:44:29

Maybe we should wait until the original poster comes back and explains
I don’t know whether the poster is male or female, father or mother or a step parent or whether the child is 7 or 17;

The last sentence says she’s fit and well and has no issues well that’s nonsense she obviously has huge mental health/anxiety issues if she needs tucking in resassuring there’s no bogey men and waking everyone up at 4 am this is very much not normal 17 year old behaviour and not even 7 year old either

Doodledog Sat 18-Sep-21 13:51:53

Why does the gender of the OP matter in this context? We know that the SO is female, as is her 17 year old daughter (where does it say she might be 7?), so it's not a case of a father and daughter being in bed together. It is irrelevant whether the OP is in a same sex or straight relationship.