Both retired(important) does your dh ask ?

Nannan2 there is a lot of truth in what you say. Sadly he is probably not going to change. Clio it is very frustrating. URNBU.

Chloe51 you have loads of good advice here.hope you get the life you want and let's face it "deserve"

Start doing things on your own with no notice to him...just do what you want. Make sure you are not back in time to make lunch etc. I am so glad sometimes that I am on my own...hahaha

I wonder were you at home more than him before you retired and he has just got used to you being there?
Some men are incredibly selfish. I am not sure why people are saying you are lucky to have him. It sounds like you are housemates but he is a really bloody annoying one

It's funny isn't it? Men and women are definitely worlds apart in how they respond to each other. Why is it that women have to always have to be so specific in what their needs are, yet almost always consider what their partner might want to do? Why is that this is so hard for men to do? Since retirement I have socialised A LOT more than before and am finding so many women have exactly the same issues with their partners. It isn't that they don't care, they JUST DON'T THINK, (Same seems to go for for home duties!)

A key question is do you still love and care about each other? I'm no expert, but it does sound as though your husband may be on the autistic spectrum ( extreme fixation on bikes and needing routine etc). You have also said you suffer from anxiety and panic attacks. Maybe while you both worked, a lot of issues were masked by work requirements/routine. It may be worth considering whether this is an opportunity to help each other and both be happier in the process. First step may be to find a calm moment when you're both quite relaxed and gently suggest you need to look at your routine to ensure you're both happy in retirement and as you get older. If he doesn't see that he has any issues, you might have to sell it as you need things to change as you're not as happy as you know you could/should be. I think it will need either a professional counselor or a specific structured approach maybe based on suggestions in a book or internet guide/course. If he won't do that, you might still be able to find strategies to help you approach things differently either by seeing a counselor on your own or reading up on some ways to identify whether he is on the autistic spectrum and how best to communicate if that seems to be the case. It would be a shame for either or both of you to be unhappy or harbour resentment in your retirement years. I hope you find a way to improve things.

Sorry OP, I went off on a tangent - sparked a bit of a rant really. You ANBU, but as others have said, you need to state your case very clearly or he thinks you are happy with the status quo.

LEAVE HIM!

Just read your post again and realised I was a bit smug. Strikes me though, there is little compromise and communication on both sides. I find I can just work my way round issues and go with the flow. Mind you, I have an even-tempered dh and we have been together for 56 years and I am used to him. Previous posters have said sit him down and tell him how you feel and I think this is a good way forward.

Talk to the man! Communication is key.

I wish my DH had a few more of his own interests.

Having said that, we are happy doing things together and I have other interests.

It sounds to me as though you're not happy with the whole marriage. My ex-husband made me angry and irritated in the same way.

Sounds as though you need to rethink things. This is not a dress rehearsal - one life!!

I would certainly tell him how you feel and how selfish he is being, you must speak up or else nothing will change. I wouldn't accept that even if I didn't want to go, I would want and expect to be asked if there was anything I wanted to do. Maybe go to the shops with him. Sorry if that sounds harsh but my MIL always said I call a spade a spade!

Hi Clio51.
When I read your initial post I thought that is what my other half is like. He’s not quite as bad, in that he only has the one hobby. He is quite intense about it though! We hardly chat as he has his head in a sodoku or crossword every coffee and lunch time. If we go out anywhere his camera has to come too. This is his hobby, I come second place. When at home he is in his office with his pictures most of the time. I have started giving him jobs to do which he does after a fashion ! I have had words with him about it he sort of makes a bit of an effort but it doesn’t last. So frustrating. I sympathise with you.Yours sounds as if he doesn’t care for you at all.

I would have thought by the time any couple gets past the twenty five year mark a bit of give and take should be second nature but then there will always be those who fall by the wayside
I tried it and although met with some opposition we did celebrate our golden.

I go out a lot to meet friends for coffee, lunch, WI etc. I go for a walk on my own every day.

I tell DH each week what I’m doing, he tells me what he is doing, which is generally home based.

I then say ‘Let’s go out to lunch on Wednesday, I’ll organise it’.

It sounds to me as if you are not that happy being with him anyway. Why don’t you make a life for yourself, like he has?

I doubt he will change. We are what we are.

Best of luck.

Why don't you sit down once a week and do your diaries for the week, Then have a wall calendar that you can write things on - 'Monday bins', Tuesday dentist', etc. If he says I'm playing tennis on Thursday you can either say 'fine - I'll have lunch with xxx that day' or 'Hang on a second you need to move the sofa before you do that!' That worked with my husband - I just had to remind him to look at the wall calendar!

It sounds as though you ve reached the fork in the road and have gone down different paths in your retirement. I d suggest, as others have, just to start pursuing your own interests and things that make you happy. If you love each other it will work out, if not maybe you need to reassess why you try together ? Communication is the key. After 20 years of marriage and constantly trying to keep someone else happy to my own detriment I m on my own and have been for a number of years and I love it, I can do what I want when I want. Good luck

We also have a joint calendar which works well. We are both pretty independent as well - having both worked full time and brought up 3 children. We have joint friends and separate friends - we spend evenings together- and all family ‘dos’ of course, also cinema, theatre, quizzes, holidays etc - which I have to say, I usually organise! We go to different groups in U3A - he goes to engineering heritage, and some general meetings, I run a book club, host a craft group and a family history group - I love investigating my roots! He plays golf and goes swimming- I go for walks with friends ending with a coffee or a pub lunch. Most of our lives he had a motorbike and an ordinary bike. I had a bike until my joints gave out.? We have also always had a boat - he can’t manage it by himself any more but goes out with our son. So perhaps try to get some life for yourself? I appreciate you suffer from anxiety but most people our age are battling some sort of difficulty- maybe Join U3A or a church? You will meet new people and may start to feel better. Do try to chat to your husband about it - he sounds like a typical bloke to me and needs telling! But make sure you have some interests of your own. Good luck xx

Old joke;
Man says to wife "Put your coat on, I'm going to the Pub".
"Me, too says surprised Wife.
Man replies "No, I'm turning the fire off.

It must be difficult but I'd be glad he has hobbies. So many men don't. When my dad retired he drove mum mad as he had nothing to do and kept asking her where she was going and when she'd be back. You need to find a way to compromise really.

Clio I think you maybe just needed a good vent.
To find a bit of balance sometimes it helps to follow a vent with writing a list of the things you love about him.
If he did a vent about you what do you think he would be saying? If he followed it up with a list of what he loves about you, what would be on it.
Could you afford to have a couple of days away together? Yes you would probably have to organize it but sometimes a break away from home and routine allows you to 'touch base' and remember how much you love each other.

My husband is more like a self-centred toddler these days. I have accepted he will never grow up.

You just sound like 2 people who have different ideas of what they want in their lives and consequently resentments have built up. Without any slur to "Clio51", for all those saying he sounds like a selfish man, it can't be easy for him either to live with someone who has anxiety and health issues. That is not to excuse his selfishness but it may be that he has to have his routines to keep his life together.
This sentence spoke volumes about the communication: "^Obviously he couldn’t manage it, so I said I’m having my breakfast just like you did an hour ago so you can wait till I’m ready^. It reveals the resentment, the lack of communication and the resentment. It ratchets up the ill feeling whilst "Hang on, I'll give you hand when I've finished this," would have been neutral and tensions wouldn't rise.
He does sound like a man who needs to be pointed in the direction of what you need him to do. My husband is like that. He doesn't 'do' hints, manipulation, etc. 90% of the time he is willing to do what I want as long as I just ask him outright. The other 10% is easier to bear because of the majority of his willingness.
There is absolutely no point in talking when you or he are angry. Far better to say that you are really unhappy but you think it would be fixable if you could come to an agreement on how you can move forward with both of you getting what you want but in a more harmonious way. There will need to be compromise. If you know that every morning he needs his shopping fix until 10.30, try not to commit him to appointments which clash with that without giving him fair warning about what you expect from him. As somebody said, put appointments on the calendar so you both know where you are.
Sadly a lot of men just don't care what the home looks like. However, it sounds like your finances need to be sorted so that you both put enough money to one side so that there is money to pay all the bills plus enough to do maintenance and renewing worn out stuff. Anything else he has can be for his hobbies...you get the same benefit and if you want to spend it on the house, that is your choice.
If you haven't got it in you to work through this, be honest with yourself and start to plan how to make bigger life changes. Maybe talk it through with a Counsellor and try to find something to look forward to.

Time to go.

This person sounds bloody awful to live with.

What a miserable existence for you both.

There is plenty of advice given in the posts above but he will still be the same person whatever you do and not great to live with. He needs to be able to live on his own?

Set him free.